March 20th, 2003


Xanax Helicopters and War

Okay so will you guys remind me that no matter how flipped out, scared, or emotional I may get, taking Xanax is just not the answer? I need to be present, not completely zonked out on meds. Blech. I feel so hung over and out of it. Well, maybe this isn't so bad, because I have to busy myself with trying to raise my consciousness to the surface here, rather than breaking up over the television coverage.

I just feel so overwhelmed with things to take care of before my surgery, and every little stupid thing that can go wrong has gone wrong. The will that I drew up ages ago has conveniently disappeared so I have to quickly cobble together a new one, that's always a lot of fun, and my damned CD drive isn't working so I can't install the Willmaker program I bought. I have hundreds of annoying little ebayish e-mails that I have to go through to make sure all of my puny little auctions have been paid and handled before I won't be well enough to handle them for a while, but the huge payment that was supposed to be wired to my credit card, the one that was going to zero out my balance and free up lots of room to pay bills, didn't happen because the Denver office of Charles Schwab has been snowed in for three days so no one's business got done. Isn't that lovely? Then our computers, Beau's and mine, that I spent two hundred and fifty dollars on yesterday, so that our router would be upgraded and we wouldn't keep getting booted off the net when we have DSL damn it, aren't working. And the phone isn't working.

At least the many helicopters that hovered over our house yesterday for FIFTEEN HOURS are finally gone. So I can occasionally let the problems of the world shift just slightly out of my focus. Well, as long as I turn the darned TV and the radio off and don't look at the paper or talk to anyone. Fat chance of that.

More Granny Dresses, I Like Emoticons, Sex with Kevin Spacey, Normal, and Madonna Stuff

And just to take our minds off things we are relatively unable to do anything about, here is one of my Granny's dresses (my Mother and Grandmother were fashion designers for years and years here in California and I am trying to collect their clothes because they never saved any of them for me), that I just bought. This is the second most expensive dress of hers that I have ever purchased, and the most I have ever had to spend for one of these on Ebay. This blows my whole budget for next month.

Here's another one I won.

And here is one more. I'll just include the link in case you're interested because this might be too many pictures for some people's browsers.
Pretty granny dress with lots of buttons.

And this is just a kind of a cute fun little number that I wish I could afford but my money well has dried up : (
Fun Pale Peach Soutache Dress

And another thing, I know people don't think emoticons are cool anymore, that they're for tourists and anyone who's been around longer than a year or two doesn't use them anymore, but you know what, screw them, screw judgemental people, because do help convey feeling when it is sometimes hard to discern what someone means by what they write here, without the added benefit of being there in person and able to read their facial expressions. So I will continue to use them and just let them try to stop me with their cynical uptight cyber-nerdyness.

And btw does anyone know of any terrific computer people in LA, or a computer repair co. where you can find sweet, friendly people who will come over to your house and help you with your computer problems, who will actually give a shit about you, and not bleed you financially, and leave you hanging?

I had super detailed dreams about my Mother buying me a new house, selling my old one, without my permission, and going to see this weird new house with my ex husband and my mother-in-law, yuck!!!!!! The only thing good about it was that it was on the ocean with a view of the beach and the sea from most of the rooms, and I almost got to have sex with a real estate agent who looked like Kevin Spacey, in a hot tub. I know Kevin Spacey would not be diggin' me due to the nature of his nature, but a gal can dream can't she?

And did you see that wonderful, moving, made for cable movie on HBO the other night, Normal with Jessica Lang and Tom Wilkenson? OMG I cried and cried. I wonder if Thingie saw it?

Also there's a really cool intersting deconstructed fashion spread of Madonna in W that just came out yesterday, for any of you who might be fans. The pictures are kind of stripped down and grim but definitely interesting. I love the shot of her with her leg pulled up behind her head. I love Madonna. Her body is so beautiful. I'm not sure if you can find her new video American Life online anywhere yet, let me know if you can, but HBO has a bit of the song attached to one of it's trailers for it's Sunday night programming. American Life Song Preview

Man am I out of it, I had to go back and edit all of the html here about four times, sheesh. Someone slap me, slap me or fuck me. I can't believe I said that, I'm getting braver and more authentic by the day.

Overeating, My Selfish Ex, and a Whole Bunch of Damned Helicopters

I am so overdoing it for dinner. I won't eat more than an eighth of any of this but like most lush folks facing this surgery and even though I am supposed to be dieting, I feel like I have to have a series of last suppers. I am having a piece of spinach cheese quiche, some stir fry pasta with soy sauce, broccoli, and tofu, humus, bread, cheese, olives, soybeans, and lemon cake. I promise you I won't eat all of this, my body won't let me. I just wanted to have the option.

Oh and of course the helicopters have been back now for hours. The LAPD are forcing the protesters back with batons just a few blocks from here. I'd join the protesters if I wasn't so weak and unable to walk that far. These are loooooong blocks. We drove by last night around eleven, waved, and honked at everyone.

I hate that my former fave radio guy, Phil Hendrie, is so pro-war. I'm not so rabid that I can't hear other people's point of view, but he is so relentlessly mean to people who are protesting for peace. Who would have thought?

You know what, this pile of food looks so sickening to me. Maybe I'll just eat a couple of olives and take my pills. Darn it, I bought all of this food and it is going to go to waste because after tomorrow I'll be on all clear liquids and things for a looooong time. And no one around here really likes my kind of food. Oh well. I've got my vegetable broth and vegetarian fruit sweetened Jello to look forward to.

Xanax helps with the anxiety but it really kicks up my Fybromialgia - I have never known how to spell that. Is it Fibromyalgia? Yeah that looks better.

I know I had something else I wanted to tell all of you but I am just too weary and I have got to get caught up on my auction payments and e-mail. I want to get this piddly stressy stuff out of the way.

My ex still hasn't sent in the financial papers I have been begging him to send in for more than a year now. I begged him to just simply fill them out, put any old thing down, so we could send this in to the judge and go for a simple dissolution. I wanted to do this before my surgery so that I wouldn't have to worry what would happen to Beau and my home and assets if anything were to happen to me. He agreed to do it and then typically never did. I called and called to remind him but to no avail. So I wasn't surprised when I spoke with the lawyer today and learned that it was a no go. He hasn't sent them. What a selfish bastard he is.

It's this kind of stuff that really bucks up my resolve, this kind of stuff that has helped me recover from the heartbreak of being cleaved away from him. We were together for so long and he was my first real love, so it was tough, real tough, breaking up. I'm happy now that everything worked out for the best but the hurt and the disappointment and the sadness remains. The fact that he couldn't find the time to do this little thing for me so that we could be divorced before my surgery just further affirms my belief in his relentless selfishness. It's not that he loves me and doesn't want to get divorced, we've been separated for five years now, it's that he just can't be bothered to face anything taxing or confrontive. It makes me sad for Beau that his biological father is so damned unkind and uncaring. I want to call him up and tell him that my surgery is Monday and somehow share this with him, but that's just an old dying part of me, that just can't be reasoned with. A part of me that wound her roots around a man who she thought she would be entwined with forever. No matter that I am deeply involved with Scott, or that I find my ex totally unappealing, it still hurts, and the little girl part of me yearns for a piece of my old familiar life.

Will someone please tell these helicopters to fly higher or to go away? It's scaring our children and pets and it's so damned loud.

OMG it's getting so much louder. What is going on out there? I can hear people screaming. Poor, poor people. I feel sorry for everyone. I know some of you may not agree with me, but I can't help but empathize with everyone involved. I feel sorry for the protesters, for the cops who are caught between a rock and a hard place in having to try to deal with this, and who might be needed somewhere else, for the people of Iraq and Kuwait, the friends and family members of anyone who has lost someone to a terrorist attack, and to the soldiers, the military, and the members of the press who are bravely risking their lives to cover this for us.

I feel so pressured to pick a side and demonize the other and I won't do that. I don't believe in war. I think war is atrocious and evil, but I can't condemn our military. I think they are brave good people who are sacrificing their lives, who give up being with their friends and families, in the belief that they are doing the right thing, they aren't to blame unless their actions are directly inhumane, and it makes me sad when people turn their anger towards them rather than towards our own politicians. I mean I know for a fact that if I could have sent troops to Tibet to defend the Tibetan people from the Chinese, I absolutely would have. If I could travel back in time and kill Hitler, I would, so who am I to judge?