April 2nd, 2003

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Happiness, Sharing My Juice With My Rat, Kittens, Pilgrims, Big Balls, and Kids Who Say Mean Things To Their Parents


She's got big balls.

God, I'm just so happy. I was just telling Scott this, and I was wondering, is it the meds, or just the incredible relief that I am alive -- that I made it through this surgery and I'm on the other side of it? Or is this some kind of huge re birthing process for me, or am I just manic? I don't know, I just feel so tremendously hopeful, and I have all of this energy. I've been inspired and happy all day. I even started working on a stand up monologue and finally returned some calls and laughed my head off. I want to jump up and scream, "I'm alive, I'm alive, I've been given another chance! I love living! I'm so happy to be here, yeay, yeay, yeay!!!!!!!!"

Maybe if I keep away from war coverage, and stories about this new virus that is killing people, I can avoid my familiar snug little cat bed of depression.

I'm definitely being stupid in sleep depriving myself so much, but other than that, things feel pretty terrific. We'll see if this holds.

Developing a new sharp little pain in the middle of my belly where I don't have any incisions, I wonder what this one is all about.

My naked rat Pinky has just learned that when I hold a cup up to the door of his cage it means that I am sharing something liquid with him so he doesn't try to grab the cup and run with it anymore.

Oh and we are going to be having kittens, shhhh, don't tell anyone who will hate me for this. I didn't fix Kaiiki in time and he ran around and had sex with the girls who I hadn't fixed yet because I had neutered all the boys. When you have as many cats as we have and you're such a worrywart you'll only go to the best vet who charges a minimum of $200.00 for each surgery, it's easy to get a little behind. Now I have three little black girls with bellies. I can't believe I've done this to us again. I mean it is always such an incredible joy but it is just so damned irresponsible and unkind of me considering the many animals who are being murdered at the shelters.

If God (Goddess/Mother Earth/The Great Creator/Whoever) somehow managed to pass a no kill law for the shelters in our state I would get on my knees and kiss the ground and go to mass every day for a month. I went to mass once this year, with my Mother after her cancer surgery went so well. Maybe that isn't a great enough sacrifice. How about walking to church on my knees like a pilgrim? That would be so hard.

PS: Have you ever heard the song Big Balls by ACDC? Scott has been telling me about it for years now because I always tell him that he has... well, I'll just let you guess at that. Anyway he finally found a copy of it and sent it to me so I could hear it on my Real Player and it's so funny, I'm dying to sing it with him when he performs. I think it would be a blast for a big band to cover. Everyone gets to shout. "I've got big balls, he's got big balls, but he's got the biggest balls of all." It's so funny.

PPS: I just bought Beau a neon sign of a green gecko for his room because he loves them so much. I'm going to have this be his big Easter present. I always make a little Easter Bunny line of eggs, jellybeans and surprises that he has to follow along until he gets to the big surprise. I think he's really going to like it. He'll like that it's a gecko and he'll think the neon is cool to have in his room. I'm a nice mom, yeah, I am.

You know compared to what some of his friend's and their parents are going through I'm thinking I haven't done too bad of a job after all. I just spoke to his little girlfriend Juliet's Dad (they've been calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend since first grade, it's so sweet,) and he said that she just got her period and that things have been hell for him. Her Mom died of cancer two years ago so he is pretty much raising Juliet by himself and the hormonal changes she is going through are hard for him to handle. Anyway the other day he said he had made her breakfast and she came downstairs and said, "I hate my life. School sucks. And I hate you!" Ouch, if I had told either one of my parents that I hated them it would have been well, it would have been bad.

Beau's friend Steven's Mom called tonight just to kind of complain about life in general and one of the things she was upset about was that Steven called her a fucking bitch and an asshole. I can't believe these guys. It just blows me away. I am sssoooooooo permissive and liberal but the only reason Beau doesn't say stuff like this to me is because he knows I'd kill him. I mean there is no way I'm going to devote my life to raising a child who tells me he hates me, just now way. Don't you think this kind of stuff lies in the boundaries the parents set?

Goodnight Everyone -- XOXOXOXO
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Happiness, Sexy Dreams and Soup



You know everyday now I am waking up happy. I'm not used to this. This minor discomfort I have, that is so easily smoothed over with pain meds, is just nothing compared to the joy I feel at having taken this leap of faith and created this change in my body. I couldn't resist the urge to get on the scale and there it was another pound melted away. That's a total of twenty-five pounds since my first weigh-in with Dr. Liu last October, thirteen of which I lost since my surgery the Monday before last.

Then again who wouldn't be losing weight if they were only consuming liquid protein drinks and ice chips, but yesterday I spoke to people who were eating food and the weight was still pouring off. For now I feel really, really, enthused about this surgery and the decision I made to turn my health and my life around. I'm the bariatric surgery ra ra chick. I hope it lasts. I hope it isn't the Valium and the Vicodin which I am trying to taper down off of. I've managed to be able to go without having to take so much of the anti-nausea. And of course I am also hoping that I will be able to use this energy and enthusiasm for good and not for a simple exchange of compulsions, as in food for shopping, or something destructive like that. I'd much rather trade food for sex, and Scott has just better watch out, as soon as I'm cleared for certain kinds of pleasurable activities.

I had some great dreams last night. I don't know if anyone out there even bothers to read through all of this highly detailed personal stuff, I'm so flattered when people tell me that they do, because I know how little free time we all have these days. If you do read these long posts o' mine you may remember a dream I wrote about a week ago about having sex with my ex. It was so upsetting, because unlike a lot of my dreams, it wasn't very lucid. I was really stuck in the dream and couldn't control it like I often can.

In last weeks dream I was having very detailed, super graphic sex with my ex-husband. God, it hurts to say that, ex-husband, even though I am completely committed to my beloved Scott, the super brainwashed little Catholic schoolgirl in me often takes over and when it comes to marriage this is just one of those places where I truly believed in death until you part, So even though I have almost no contact with him, I am just recently having these intense dreams about my ex.

In this older dream we were screwing in his car. We had sex about four or five times and it was so real that it hurt to be in that moment, to be remembering the love I felt for him, the closeness, the intimacy. The way he smelled, felt, and tasted, and then to wake up suddenly with all this heartache and memory. Even now as I write this it brings up tears.

The good news is that on the dream plane I seem to be growing up and progressing, and it feels good. Funny, I keep hearing this Madonna song running through my head, Last night I dreamt of San Pedro gotta be the drugs. So back to the dream; I'm always dreaming about houses and house construction. I know that houses often symbolize ourselves but we were constructing our home when we split so I often go back to that time when I dream of him. I'll put the rest of this behind the cut tag so you won't have to read it if you don't want. Although it's a pretty good one with lots of sex with a celebrity, hee. Collapse )
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I just like the tinted flowers in this.

And this next one is for Scott who so patiently remains beside me as my wild dream self runs around with other men. He says, "It's all right as long as in the end you come home to me." How sweet is that?
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Okay I'm just not going to be able to get back to everyone and go through my friend's journals today like I'd promised myself. I swear it's so frustrating. I set these simple goals but then there is always so much going on and I feel pulled in so many different directions.

I had a cup of broccoli soup for lunch and a cup of mushroom soup for dinner. I'm stuffed and it feels a little bit closer to being real food. Trying to get enough grams of protein is hard. I forgot that I needed to drink my protein drink thing before I had my little bit of soup and wound up being too full for the protein but I'll just wait a bit and then I'll be able to have some.

I can't believe I'm about to get sucked into another Bachelor. What's wrong with me? Haven't I learned my lesson by now?

Okay back to my dreary work in the pay-off-my-compulsive-spending Ebay mines.

PS: Pardon me while I whine about something here. Why can't we have sex sooner than two to three weeks? What's up with that? It just feels so unfair because my hormones are going wild now. Who knows what they'll be up to in two weeks, probably picking flowers in a meadow somewhere or something.