April 5th, 2003

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Hello My Dear Dear Journal Friends,

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to write back to everyone yet. I tried to cover one post's worth of comments and by the end I was so exhausted I had to go lay down. But please don't go away. I really appreciate you guys, and your kind comments are a tremendous source of comfort and support. Thank you so very much!

I am still so sad about Sunny, but I am trying to wrap my mind around this and reason with my heart. I knew something was wrong with him when I got him. His fur always looked a little mussed. He always seemed depressed, and I was there cajoling, cuddling, and adoring him, just hoping I would be able to win him over and bring him out of it. I think maybe I misread his progressing illness as heartbreak over having been abandoned. At least I hope that's the case. So when he didn't appreciate being cuddled, didn't want to snuggle with me under the covers, didn't really want to be hauled around, even though everything I read about his breed told me he would, it might just have been because he was feeling crappy.

Now when I start thinking like this, I start thinking I should have done something for him sooner, could have saved him if I had. But I did have my at-home vet take a look at him and she said he was fine. I just regret not having taken him in to the better more expensive vets sooner, but we didn't really know how much better they were until recently, and Mom was starving me out with the credit card game. So for now, as sad as I am, I am reasoning with myself. I am thinking that he is much better off free of a pain bound earthly body, and can sore around knowing he was loved so much. I look up at the ceiling and picture him hovering above me. I reach my arms out to him and bring them down to my chest pretending to be holding the spiritual form of my beloved cat. It hurts and it helps at the same time. I do miss him so.

I've written about this before but when my ex was leaving me, my brother-in-law, who I had loved since he was this chubby little six year old, decided, (in that cruel immature way that people do when they are confused about how to handle a divorce), to take sides against me. I remember going up to him to hug him like I always did and he was just stiff and wouldn't put his arms around me. Robby had holed up in a motel with a drug crazed hooker, but Matt was mad at me. It didn't make sense, but it was what it was, heartbreaking. But one of the worst things I remember his saying to me, (when he was trying to justify his turning against me, maybe because he was just trying to make all of it hurt less by making me wrong and his brother right), was that in all the time he'd known me he'd never known anyone to have so many animals that died -- as if I was this horrible neglectful animal abuser. It hurt so bad and I've never gotten over it, sometimes referring back to it in my mind as if he were right.

Otherwise I just can't stand only eating these tiny cups of protein drink so my nutritionist said I could add in small curd lowfat cottage cheese. I feel so weird and angry and mixed up around food. I just don't know how to deal with it right now but I know things will smooth over.

I started writing this earlier in the day, then set it aside and now I am finishing it so late. I know Scott will check and see the time I went to bed. Oh well.

This is for you


Extra hugs to jadedheart : )
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Letting It All Hang Out

Two more pounds gone, woohoo! But I have been a beast all day. Getting mad and raising my voice at people. This is not the person I want to be to my family and the people who kindly help me, shit!

Beau and my Internet and my movie addiction keep me up all night and then I wind up sleeping all day. I woke up unmedicated, hungry, and super rough around the edges. I can't believe it's five o'clock already and I am just starting my day. I have got to shift this back around. Melatonin!

My old incredibly wonderful, super smart and loving, brown Burmese cat Coco is the last survivor of his family. His wife Fufu and daughter Myanmar have both died and I don't want to lose him. He's such a fighter. He has terribly infected teeth despite all the dental care that we have given him. It must just run in his family. He has all kinds of other troubles too. So he needs subcu fluids every other day and lots of meds.

I spend tens of thousands of dollars of my dwindling principal on my animals to do right by them, and when I do everything I can and someone here screws up, and screws up badly, and then someone at the vet's office screws up as well, I can't help but get a little pissed off.

Irma has been doing a pretty crap job dealing with remembering to take the animals to the vet when they have appointments and giving them their medicines. I only just discovered this, or really, accepted this, today. She's wonderful here with them, a great big hearted animal loving soul and I really adore her. But with four kids, one of whom is always having some kind of problem, and this drunken sod bastard for a husband, (nothing against all of my many AA pals here, like I said, I'm in a bad mood, and this guy truly deserves any name I can think of to call him and worse, hey wait, I bought this new book, Roger's Profanisaurus, so let me just look up a few more here to add and yes, this dog-catching, brown winged, cock lodger), she tends to space out on things. Which is fine, except when I'm not eating, my nerves are frazzled, I'm on massive doses of medications, and I discover that she not only did not bother to tell Esther (Esther works when Irma doesn't), what very important medications to give to two of my cats, stopping their meds mid stride, which is extremely unhealthy when you're dealing with antibiotics, but has been giving the wrong medication to the wrong cat! ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Coco was getting Miss Fuzzums, (I didn't name her), antibiotic pills, and Fuzzums has been getting Coco's critically important liquid dental medication. Then to make matters worse I ask Esther to show me the list of instructions from the vet and I find out that they've given me someone else's instructions. I don't have a German Shepherd named Ginger, nor do I need to know what medication to give her for the brown and black diarrhea she had all night.

Then Beau starts in on me over his Aibo. I nicely ask him to please pick it up and take it to his room and not leave it where the cats are going to pee on it or knock it over and pull it's ears off, and he gives me one of these, "It's my Aibo," goes to his room and slams his door. I swear it was as if time froze as I marched down the hall towards his room. It took everything in me not to drop kick the little two thousand dollar robot dog across the room. But instead, just like my mother before me I said, through clenched teeth, "It may be your Aibo, but it was my money that bought it, and if I tell you to do something, IF I TELL YOU TO DO SOMETHING, whether it pertains to something as unimportant as a toy, or something as life threatening as putting down a knife, all I want to hear out of your Goddamned mouth is "Okay Mom!" You got that? IS THAT CLEAR?"

Then I headed straight for my office and my Live Journal steam pressure valve, and Lord, you should have seen me gulp down my high blood pressure medication.

I just count myself lucky that my Mom hasn't driven by today and pulled her usual honk honk hoooonk for me. The last time she did that when I was in a bad mood, I worked up the nerve to tell her not to, and she nearly ran me over with her car, twice. No lie!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I so mean this right now.

Thank you so much for being here so I can come here and not only document my life but know that a handful of really good people, who without getting anything in return, care enough to take the time to read my journal, and talk to me in loving ways. I will never be able to adequately express how much you all mean to me!
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Laurel Canyon



I just saw Laurel Canyon with Scott and I loved it. It's funny how we all do really have different taste in movies. I mean I can see how someone else might be bored out of their minds by it but I just thought it was the greatest thing since well, since I could chew anything. Sliced bread just wouldn't have fit in that sentence. Plus I cheated, I have chewed -- 1 1/2 pieces of string cheese, small curd low fat cottage cheese, a bite of hummus, about ten bites of an avocado and ice. So maybe it would have been more fair to say that I think Laurel Canyon is the greatest thing since the last time I had a really good Mexican meal, and that's saying a lot right now.

Frances McDormand is a deep, centered, sexy, shining soul-being of an acting goddess and anything she does makes me want to suck her toes and ruffle her hair. Christian Bale, who has always scared me a bit, (not just because he was so disturbing in American Psycho, and not just because he looks a little too much like a wanna-be Tom Cruise), holds his own against her. I never expected as much from Kate Beckinsale, and Natascha McElhone, well, she's just so pretty who cares that she has this sort of unnatural stillness about her work. She's all eyes, but they're such pretty eyes.

I really liked Allesandro Nivola, the about-to-be-a-rock-star boyfriend of Frances McDormand. hey had such chemistry together and he had some of the best lines. I liked the writing, the humour, and I loved the music, and really bought that this was a band making an album. Plus you guyz know I'm a sucker for anything involving water and there was a lot of swimming pool action front and center with some great underwater shots. I don't know, maybe it's because I live here, but I could lay on my bed and watch movies like this back to back all day long.

I so hope they hurry up and release a DVD with lots of extras so I can see anything that might not have made the final cut.