April 14th, 2003

Chalkboard

Sex Toy Parties, Irma's Birthday, Six Feet Under, Happy Fights, and Food!

This Morning

Thank you God for bringing back our POWs!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a wonderful thing to get up and read first thing on the computer. Such happy news. Their families must be weeping with joy. I thought they were all dead. God I hate war and warmongerers.

In other mundane Jacqui news, the mean balloon people didn't come through with Irma's huge birthday bouquet. They tend to blow off us pleebes when they have bigger celebrity orders to attend to. I would blow them off if there were an alternative balloon source that made bouquets as cool as they do. They make the best balloon bouquets -- you know with the clear balloons filled with gumballs, and the doughnuts with squiggly balloons threaded through the holes, and every other kind of figural and theme balloon you can think of. Man, any business that treats their customers this poorly in times like these deserve a good business spanking.

So now I've got to go out and get some kind of pretty floral arrangement, a cake, and a TV. I'm giving Irma a TV because she and the kids have to watch TV on one of those old thirteen channel turn the dial sets. Then I have to stop in at my neighbor Karen's house because she will never forgive me if I don't at least make an appearance at her Tupperware-like Sex Toy party.

Have you heard of these? They've been doing them for a while. A representative of the "toy" company comes by and sets up her wares, you invite all your girlfriends over, and she demonstrates them, somehow. I think women are even invited to go off into various bedrooms and try some of the items. While it may sound kind of wild I think it's a terrific thing. Most women, (not me though, I think it's all a hell of a lot of fun and actually dragged Scott to one once or twice), are too shy to go to porn shops with their peep show booths and trench coat wearing men to avail themselves of the many sex life enhancing products that are out there. I know there are some much cooler shops out there like The Love Boutique and The Pleasure Chest and there are places on line, but I still think a lot of gals are shy about it. I have friends who have never tried a vibrator. I for one can confidently say that my life would not be as much fun without my Hitachi Magic Wand.

The vet called and left a message that the tests came back on my darling Sunny and that he didn't have FIP. That's extremely good news for all of us here, but what did Sunny die of then? Could he have had cancer? I'm waiting for the vet to give me her ideas on this because I so want to let myself off the hook. Knowing that he came to us with whatever it was that took him away would make me feel so much better about his leaving. I was tortured thinking that I brought him here only to catch a disease that killed him.

This Evening

Scott just left. We had a nice night with a minor to medium conflict that we resolved lovingly. Every time this happens, when we manage to work something scary out between us, I feel this surge of love and affection for him. I love how we resolve all of our fights now, as opposed to when we were younger and one or the other of us would storm off, (usually me), or hang up (usually him), upset. I'm so glad to be out of that era of my life where I'd sit on the floor of my closet feeling so alone, misunderstood, and unloved, sobbing and contemplating overly dramatic self injuring options.

We watched Six Feet Under which I love as much as I ever did. I feel like an untrusting bad fan grrrl for having complained so bitterly after the first epsiode of the season. Everything is working out just fine. Shoulda had a little more faith.

I loved the game Dave and Keith played at the party where everyone had a female star's name slapped on their back and had to guess who it was using yes or no questions. I would love to do that. I would be so good at it. I could go on and on about this show but maybe I should save it for the wake on HBO or for another forum

I'm having a few bites of tofu tomato salad and a little bit of humuus for my late night supper. Yum. I am feeling stronger and more hopeful by the day. I lost another pound, so that makes my total loss since surgery twenty-two pounds. I'm pretty happy about this, I just can't help my competitive nature that wants me to do, not only as well as the other people around me, but better. If someone in my support group can lose thirty five pounds in two weeks, I want to lose forty. Never mind that I started eating solid food sooner, and that I'm not as big so I won't lose the weight as quickly.

Beau and I managed to get all of our errands done today. I got a new printer, Beau picked out some games, and we got Irma a good TV at a decent price and some toys from the Giant Robot Store, (I bought a Mr. Sushi Rice Pen), and two cakes, ice cream, a flowery balloon, and some cards.

I barely made Karen's party. The hostess was putting away her toys and wow were there a lot of them. I think I'm allergic to latex which really lets me out on partying down with the various fun looking dildos, particularly one called Cleopatra something, that looked like it would have been fun. There's a website where you can buy things, and as long as I buy things there by Wednesday, my friend Karen will get credit. Although I can't tell you the address because Beau, who was dying to see what was going on, snagged my catalogue as soon as I came home and ran off with it. Typical. I was so like him at his age. I wanted to know everything!


Irma's party was really sweet. She started crying when she saw the cakes and the candles. And one of my wonderful neighbors helped Beau carry in the TV. I think she liked her Happy Cloud pillow the most of all though.


For me, it was exciting to take the tiniest bite of cake and realize that I didn't like or want it. Me, not want cake? Do you know how insane that is? When Courtney Love</a> or Kurt Cobain wrote that she wanted to be the girl with the most cake, I thought she had to be thinking of me. Now I want to be the girl with the most protein, watered down juice, and crushed ice.

It looks like I'll have to ask for another tax extension this year, because it just isn't going to happen.

Okay my darlings, off I go to chisel away at the great e-mail mountain, sigh.

Here are two dresses of my Grandmother's that I just won on eBay.

Pink Chiffon and Black Lace
Black and White with Lace and Rhinestone Trim

And I took this quiz... too funny.

Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
Chalkboard

(no subject)



I just heard Madonna's Love Profusion. Love her. I can't help it, she's always been just fascinating to me!

Have you guys seen W magazine's forty page spread of Madonna? On the spine of the magazine it just says All About Madge. I bought a few copies about three weeks ago when it first came out. I'm thinking it's some sort of deconstructive comment on her Virgin wedding phase because there are shots of what looks like a white gown burning. I also like the shots of her body curled into poses that mimic photos of human organs on the opposite pages.

It's definitely interesting and different. I'm wondering about the smoky eyes and the tabloid shots of her looking like she got hit in the eye. I mentioned this before, but I'm insatiably Madonna-Curious. I wonder if she had plastic surgery or got in a fight and then if the W fashion shoot happened just after that, so they had to go for the serious smoldery eye makeup to hide the bruising.

I imagine plenty of people think wondering about the true lives, the behind the scenes lives, of celebrities is a complete waste of time, but our society foists this kind of icon status on them, and I can't help but look at the pictures that the magazines feed to us. They do tend to get more information or better information because they have so much access. And all the trends seem to start with them. I'd never even heard about Kabbalah until Roseanne and then Madonna got into it and yoga was something I wanted to go back and do again but it wasn't the wildly popular thing it is now until celebs started embracing it. Same with Pilates.

But then there are the even sillier more mundane things like my wanting to wear the same scents, the same lipsticks, foundations, carry the same purses. I want to see what they wear to premieres, find out what cosmetic surgery they've had done if any. It's like television, mind numbing, diverting, entertaining, and it takes the focus off of my own life for a moment. I know this. That's why I'm so conflicted about it. That's why I hardly ever post on my own celebrity sightings community journal. As soon as that writer from the LA Times tracked me down and wrote a little story about it I completely backed off and stopped posting. Maybe some of this has to do with my own lifelong drive for success, my own obsession with and desire for fame. I can't do to other people what I wouldn't want them to do to me.

A perfect example of this would be yesterday. I went to this sex party at my neighbor's house, and I swear I'm not writing this to tease you because I know it's a tease to withhold information, but there was a major celebrity there. Not an A list film actress, even though she's been in a few films but definitely a hit television series actress. You would absolutely know her if I mentioned her name. But I don't want to because it seems so mean to do to her, and to my neighbor, like a serious violation of this poor gal's privacy. I mean here she is at a small sex toy party, hanging out with a few girlfriends she thinks she can trust, and she must constantly feel like a deer in the headlights, every time the doorbell rings, is this going to be someone she can't trust, someone who is going to run to media to tell them that she bought the double jelly delight strap on or something like that? And I don't want to be a part of that. I don't mind saying, I saw Brooke Shields looking gloriously pregnant and beautiful at the dog park, as long as I don't mention the name of the dog park, but I don't feel comfortable when I'm seriously violating someone's privacy. But then I'm a part of this whole celebrity consumption culture and I feel bad about it.

I know it's stupid and shallow but when I'm living here in LA I completely buy into the whole thing. When I'm traveling -- when I'm in Hawaii or Mexico or when I was in Tahiti, all I care about is nature, my health, all facets of it, spiritual as well as physical, and connecting with other people and absorbing the culture around me. That's one of the many reasons I want to get the fuck out of here.

This is one of the best shots. God, I wish I had the strength and drive to keep in shape like she does.

Chalkboard

Good and Bad Feelings and We Have Three Brand New kittens!


I've got lots of mother daughter issues, just lots of 'em

Oh God! My life feels so unmanageable right now. Sound like someone needs a meeting? Yup. But I have to work up the courage to find one and go to it. I haven't had the world's best experience with OA meetings in West, LA though. I definitely need a better place to go where I can talk about my feelings. I love my journal and I love my LJ friends, but without food to push all the feelings down, it's hard to deal with everything. And with eBay and a world of wonderful things just a click away it's so easy to just sit here and play all day and night and ignore all of the things that need my attention.

I've been doing a lot of compulsive shopping on eBay. A lot of compulsive spending in general. Then this gets me into conflict with Scott and my Mother and my Mother's secretary. It's all so complicated and painful. In many ways I feel like this woman I saw on Fear Factor (I actually hate Fear Factor because of all of the gross and cruel animal related stunts, but I happened to be watching it and the first stunt didn't involve anything abusive towards animals so I hung with it), tonight; she's on Fear Factor for God's sake, but she's carrying this little piece of fabric that she calls her banky, and she can't let it go long enough to not have to be seen rubbing it by millions of people watching the show. She kicked ass, she did the stunt perfectly, but as soon as she got back on the dock, she needed her "banky."

I feel like this sometimes, like a very wounded child who is just learning how to be brave, how to be me in a confusing painful world, while still holding on to the comfort and safety of the past. And it doesn't help that I have put myself deep in a situation where my Mother can pull all of the strings financially. Today, twice when I tried to reach out to her, when I tried to have a loving, bonding conversation with her about anything we can find to talk about that we have in common, she just ripped into me about money. It was so awful. She thinks nothing of ripping my security out from under me whenever she feels like it. Today she threatened to cancel all of my credit cards and told me that she isn't going to pay for my psychiatrist anymore because she hasn't cured me. Cured me. My Mother was the one who sent me to the psychiatrist in the first place, but then she's never happy because no one fixes me to her liking. And she surrounds herself with people who kiss her ass and oppose me. It's so ugly and hurtful and she's getting more forgetful and senile by the day which is breaking my heart.

Then there are all of the other people who depend on me for their survival and always, always, always feel that I don't do enough for them, no matter how much I do. Today Irma (who I spent most of yesterday running around buying gifts for) told me that when Esther was here working with us the other day she said, "I can't tell you anything anymore. Whatever I say you'll just repeat it to Jacqui." And she was right, Irma immediately repeated this to me, and I hate it. It makes me nuts, what did she want to say, what is it that she really feels about me? I've been so hurt so often by the people I have loved the most and felt the closest to in my life. I hate feeling used by the people I love and care for.

My Mom always tries to remind me in her socially separated world that I shouldn't let myself get so close to the people who work for me, that it's an exchange and nothing more. That people will hurt me like they've hurt her. She used to tell me this about my friends when I was little as well. But it's impossible for me to live this closely with people and not come to love them, not want to help their children, not treat them as family and treat their problems as my own. I'm just not built to behave any differently.

And then there is Scott who works in this awful job, works like a slave for just enough money to get by. He is a brilliant, brilliant artist. I mean he is a true genius being when it comes to music and acting and he shouldn't be wasting away in this job that is driving up his weight and his blood pressure. I worry that it is killing him. And he needs money to record an album the way it should be recorded and he has to sit by and watch me blow thousands of dollars on things like Moulin Rouge headpieces and chenille chicks and my Mother and Grandmother's dresses, something they don't even really appreciate my doing, and books and electronic toys for Beau and gifts for everyone I know. But at the same time I know that he knows I will always help him as much as I can.

And there are the pets, my many many pets, who need so much care, and it all costs sooooooo much money. And there's the fact that I hadn't finished fixing or paying for all of the cats who needed to be spayed and neutered before I brought two new intact male teenagers into the house who ran around and got all of the girls pregnant and now I am ankle deep in swollen cat bellies and little mews. It won't be long before there are little cat people scratching at my ankles. And this, of all the things I'm complaining about right now, because, well, because I just need to, is probably the best and the sweetest thing that is happening in my life. But who can understand something like this, a woman with XX cats, allowing some of them to have more kittens. It's insane and I know it is.

And here I am with a brand new stomach, just trying to learn how to eat without throwing up. I'm trying to learn how to get enough nutrition in without getting sick and losing all of my hair, or eating too much and failing after having gone through so much.

Additionally I've been taking Vicodin for the pain in my abdomen following my surgery, and Valium for the back spasms and pain that come from my body's reaction to the pain meds (I have Fibromyalgia and medicating pain gets kind of complicated), and I know that within a few days I will have to wean myself off of them. I've gotten it down to half of a pill each once in the morning and once at night.

So after having had to express the upset I've been feeling, I want to add that I honor some of the wonderful things that have been coming in to my life to replace some of the old things I am willing to surrender. The best things that have happened lately are the friends I've made on Live Journal who have crossed over into the real world and sent me flowers, cards, and called, who have made their friendships feel real across the miles, and across the net, our three kittens being born safely, two of whom are white, and the feeling that one of these kittens might be Sunny reincarnated and maybe Mirau as well, come back to us, my son's continuing happiness, my having survived this surgery, my Mother's having beat cancer and still being with us, this world of Latin people and their children who surround me everyday, the support and calls of my old friends, the drawing closer that I feel with them, the shedding of this fat, the little bit of exercising that I've been willing to do, this huge, monumental change I've been willing to make in my life that is like a true Easter at just the right moment, the getting closer to getting back to my art my right work and my true sense of purpose, and the love and fidelity of this man who has treated me like none other. I have a lot to be thankful for. I could go on for hours but I think I'll just leave it here for the moment.

And excuse me but how mean is Married to America? I think Fox TV has hit an all time new low. I would have to tune in for the finale after not having watched any of the episodes before this. This is just simply heartbreaking, what was I thinking tuning in to this? I love weddings, I'm a bridal junkie. I didn't realize people would back out at the last moment. How totally sad.