May 3rd, 2003


Fifty Pounds Gone For Good and Sad Feelings About My Oldest Friend.

Hello My Journal Darlings,

I have reached my first weight loss goal. Fifty Pounds gone! Woohoo! FIFTY POUNDS since I began this process, it's a little over forty since my surgery March 24, but I had to lose some weight before the surgery, so today it comes to exactly fifty pounds. I'm really happy with this and yet my competitive lil' mind is wanting more and disappointed that after having lost so much weight I still have so far to go.

Yesterday I put on a dress that I had made for me last year but that Saida had shrunk in the washing machine and that was so tight I couldn't even zip it up. It was so loose and the straps kept falling off. That felt good. But then when I was at the doctor's office I started to feel faint and weak, and my hands have been tingling. It turns out that I am anemic and vitamin deficient. I knew I was supposed to be taking vitamins but I couldn't find any chewables that weren't either full of sugar or artificial sweetener, and then when I was able to swallow pills I didn't have any that were small enough and was just procrastinating about going out and buying some. Well, that and the fact that I've been too weak and sick to go out.

I was really glad to see my surgeon and his staff. I talked him in to taking a cruise with his patients to Mexico. I read that Carney's doctor, Dr. Whitgrove, does this every year and thought it would be fun if we could too so I talked Dr. Liu into it. I like him so much. He is the coolest guy!

It was weird seeing some of his patients though, patients who don't look fat to me at all, who have just had the surgery. There were these two terrific looking women who had just had the surgery two weeks ago. I would give almost anything to be at their weight but they had complications, high blood pressure and diabetes, so they were able to do it at their much lower weights.

My cat Curly is in here with me again. He's so pretty. He has curly grey hair, (I bet you've already guessed that) with this pretty ruffle of darker grey around his neck, and on his face, paws, and the tip of his tail. Plus he has the sweetest little meow.

I've got The Incurable Collector on and they're shopping for bargains at the Rose Bowl flea market. I so wish I could be there right now. I'd need to have the energy to be able to do it, and the money, but I love shopping for fun old things.

I have to work up the energy to go out, but this is so hard for me because I am eating so little that I get weak and faint. I just have to go get some tofu and protein bars that I can eat. Man, you should read some of the ingredients on the back of these bars. One of them, one that I used to love to eat, has shellac and beeswax, no thanks.

I miss being intimate and sexual with Scott. It's been so long since I've felt well enough, but when this much time goes by, I get really shy, and it's so hard to work back to that safe comfortable place. I'm still way too sick, I mean when you're just trying to figure out how to eat and forgive me, but poop, it's hard to feel particularly sexual. But I want to get there again. It doesn't work for me though when Scott just jumps into intimacy. He tries to kind of force it to happen by putting his face so close to mine. It feels weird and threatening somehow. I need more of a warm up, more emotional connection and closeness, more foreplay. A big part of me is yearning for this connection for intimacy and sexuality. I woke up this morning dreaming about the guy on SVU again, oh blah, this is just too sickeningly personal to write about. I'm just going to leave it here for now.

This next long bit is about my oldest friend who I don't see anymore. I've written about this before but it was ages ago. I really need to get this out so you can just skip it if you like. I'm going to put it behind the LJ cut.
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