June 17th, 2003

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One Pound To Go Until I've Lost Seventy!



Wow, you guys, just one pound to go until I've lost seventy! It all seems so unreal to me. I've written this before, but I keep thinking this is some kind of weird dream and I'm going to wake up soon and it will be over. The last couple of nights I've been dreaming about acting again. I keep dreaming that I'm working with -- rehearsing with -- amazing actors who I admire. Last night, in my dream, I was at my Mother's house, in her powder room, trying to make myself up as quickly as possible in order to go to an important college theatre reunion. It meant so much to me and I wanted to look so good but I kept having trouble putting on my foundation, it kept drying and flaking, and my lipstick kept fading. Tori Amos was there too, she was going to drive me to the reunion, and she had collaged her car, covered it in these pastel bits of paper. I think I dreamt about Tori because she was on Punkd last night. Ashton Kutcher had his little kid actor interview her on the red carpet at some event. He kept pretending to think she was Tori Spelling. He was asking her if she was going to be in the 90210 movie. She thought it was cute and said things like, "Darling, I make records."

I started taking some of my left over pain pills about four or five days ago and have developed another mini habit and have to wean off of them. I had these really bad back pains and just took a couple of these Oxycontin that I got from my Mom, she was going to toss them out. It was so much fun being zonked and stony and out of it. It helps me to empathize with friends who are super dependent on using pot to smooth over their feelings and pain. But on the other hand it completely depletes me of energy. I wind up staying up really late, enjoying the woozy sleepy feeling, laying in my bed flipping channels and soaking in the comfort of not feeling physical pain.

I am so accustomed to being in pain. With my Interstitial Cystitis and my Fibromyalgia and the weight I'm pretty much in pain all the time. I keep hoping that losing the weight will make it better, and maybe it has, but not dramatically. The one thing I have noticed, about the weight loss, is that I enjoy walking and can go so much farther without getting out of breath.

Beau has slipped in to his summer stay-up-way-too-late syndrome and I have to break him of this habit. I want him to have a great summer and I have so many plans for us. We won't be able to get anything done if we sleep away the days. Last night he begged me to take him out to Taco Bell to get something to eat at midnight and I gave in and took him. It wasn't good for either of us to be eating so late and then going to bed so much later.

We talked about our summer plans and we both have similar goals; we want to lose weight and go to the gym and organize and neaten up our rooms. I want him to go back to school in a healthier body. I want him to be stronger, more self confident, and better at spelling and reading. We'll see how much I can help him with this. I also want him to have fun and we're talking about going to Sea World, Lego Land, Disneyland, Magic Mountain, and Palm Springs. We're going to Hawaii in a couple of weeks, and we'll travel up the coast and visit some of our favorite places like Cambria's Moonstone Beach, The Monterey Bay Aquarium, and Lake Taho, on our way to Burning Man. It should be a great summer if I can get focused and start getting things done.

I have got to make myself sell some things on eBay to make some money or we won't be able to do too much of this. I have so much great stuff just sitting around taking up space. I think I can pull it off if I just make myself dive in and do it.

My personal goals for the summer are to join a yoga class and begin taking Pilates, to move my stuff out of my expensive, tiny storage unit, and into a bigger, less-expensive one, to pay down my credit cards, to get Beau more organized, room and possession wise, to finish my office, to finish the bathroom, to clean out my garage and make that a creative/storage space, and to start making my collages again. Oh and most importantly to have more sex, hee hee. Think I can get all of this done?

A friend of mine who I haven't spoken to in ages is going to be directing Master Class at my favorite theatre here in LA. I fantasize that I'll find the courage to remind him that I have a five octave range and could play one of the students but I don't want to show up in his life just to ask him to cast me in his play. I kind of let myself fall off everyone's acting-map after I broke up with Rob and moved in to this house. I had gained so much weight and felt so awful and just couldn't put myself out there any more. I didn't feel like risking rejection, which just comes with the territory, and at the same time, even if I did book something at my highest weight, I didn't really feel well enough to work, still don't really. It's okay, I'm making my way back, finding my way to wherever it is that I am meant to wind up.

Scott and I are watching Lawrence of Arabia on DVD. As much as I love Peter O'Toole and David Lean, I had never seen it. Just bits and pieces now and then, never the whole thing. There are a few movies out there I'd like to see as well. I still haven't seen Bend It Like Beckham and I want to see the movie about the Jewish family who emigrate to Africa. Today I'm just so aware of how much there is to get done and how weary my body is and how challenging it all seems. Oh well.

Hope you are all happy and well.

Love you,
Jac

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The weirdest thing happened to me at the nail salon tonight. I got loads of errandy things done today and was in so much pain, (my fibromyalgia really acts up when I'm sleep deprived), that I thought I would make myself feel better by going to my favorite Vietnamese ladies nail salon and get massaged and pampered. I love these gals and we always have such a good time gossipping and catching up.

Tonight we were talking about my weight loss and I was showing them how floppy my boobs and stomach are. When it was time to go I hugged the ladies and all of a sudden I felt my boobs being squeezed. It was kind of weird and shocking and it felt like it was happening in slow motion. I looked down and one of the women was totally squeezing my boobs. She doesn't speak English very well so I don't have a clue why she was doing it or what she thought she was doing. She was laughing and smiling and she seemed like she didn't mean any harm by it, but I am so uptight about being touched by people I don't really know that well, and it kind of startled me.

Denise, the lady who owns the salon started joking and saying, "Oh no that's sexual harrassment, sexual harrassment," and we all kind of laughed it off, but it was just so weird. I just couldn't get mad at this lady because I know she didn't mean to offend me, and in some weird way this was her way of being friendly.