August 9th, 2003

Chalkboard

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A Long Walk On Hot Concrete, the New Person in the Mirror, a Visit to my WLS Surgeon, Blue Cross Are Liars, Asian Women Are Beautiful, Mr. Circumcision, a Bright Golden Orange Dragonfly, and a Complicated Tropical Dream of Mango and Coconut Filled Swimming Pools in Maui.



Please be sure to go on over to my guy's journal and check out the beautiful song he wrote for me called An Angel Called Jacqueline. I prefer his own sexier acoustic version but this one is good nevertheless.




I have gotten so out of the practice of looking at myself in the mirror and liking what I see that it surprises me, happily surprises me, when I catch a glance of myself unaware and like what I see. That's how I felt just now when I came back from a long barefoot, burning asphalt and concrete walk in the hot sun with my neighbor Karen and her dog. I was so proud of myself for forcing myself get away from the computer and out of this house, and for hopping from shade patch to shade patch on my burning feet for blocks longer than I formerly could have gone, and with another human being on top of it. Then I came home, collapsed on my front step/stoop, enjoyed the view of my garden, the freshly pebble filled front walk, (Thank you Tom my beloved friend and gardener), the new decomposed granite covering the pathways around the herbs and rose bushes, and the spinning wind rainbow disk things that I got for the kids.

I felt so good getting exercise in the middle of the day, and the girls across the street had all be so kind to me. The compliments you get from people when you lose weight are just never ending. People are so supportive and kind. It's pretty hard to be depressed (Well, as long as you isolate yourself in a selfish little bubble and stay away from the news, but how long can you really do that for?) when people are being so wonderful to you all the time, cheering you on, commiserating with you over the desire to eat and lay around -- how cruel it is that you can't just do that and remain at whatever fat weight you've arrived at and stay there, accepting that you'll never be a starlet size two. It's cruel that the scale keeps running up and up, never stopping, no matter how high it gets, and you tell yourself that there's no way it'll ever go any higher, but then of course it does.

But I was telling you about how happy I felt when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had just rummaged around in my closet trying to find something to wear to meet the contractor my Mom's sending over to look at some of our, ahem, problem areas. I am hating all of my clothes but what the hell else is new, (you know, you know exactly what I'm talking about), picked out a stripey red dress that I thought would look horrible, went to pee, stood up and then was shocked that I liked the way the person who was looking back at me from the mirror looked. I could see the difference that everyone is talking about. Gone were those fat patches on my upper arms, gone the fat under my armpits just behind my boobs, I looked okay in this dress. Wow, this is fun!

Never mind that I'm hungry and thirsty and all I could eat for breakfast was one bite of Cream of Wheat and two sips of a protein drink. What matters to me is that I am losing weight and I truly don't feel deprived. I believe that I can eat whatever I want, (okay, with the exception of say Entenmans and Krispy Kreme doughnuts, but really, fuck them, truly, those artery clogging, greasy food promoting bastards), and I don't feel like I'm suffering through one more miserable diet. If I want Mexican food I'll have it. I'll just eat two chips dipped lightly in guacamole instead of twenty. If I want ice cream I'll have one, or at the most two, guilty bites of someone else's, and I won't have to eat a whole pint of Coffee Haagen Dazs, grossed out at the idea that I'm eating some poor cow's frozen breast milk, while her calf is half starving in some crate, waiting to be fed to some sick "veal" eating shit somewhere.

Yesterday I went to see my terrific, dearly loved weight loss surgeon, Dr. Carson Liu, whose feet I would gladly bathe in expensive scented oils and slather with kisses. You have no idea how serious I am about this, but please don't tell his gorgeous, drop-dead-beautiful wife Jessica, his business manager, who I met for the first time yesterday when she came into the room to break the happy news to me that my insurance company, (the crooked and vile Blue Cross), have decided to pay only eight-hundred-and-seventy-five dollars of his nine thousand dollar bill. This after having told me over the phone that they would cover everything but a thousand dollars of it. What was I thinking in not getting it in writing? *Jacqui smacks her head in stupefaction.*

Handsome, talented, genius Dr Liu has a sweetheart of a nurse, Christina, who is also staggeringly beautiful, (I just happen to think Asian women are some of the most beautiful women on the planet and that's all there is to say about it), so when I saw this other gorgeous Chinese-America woman I started thinking, "Wait a second here, why is this guy only hiring beautiful Asian women with wonderful hair, and isn't that a bit of an unfair hiring practice?" Then all of a sudden I figured it out, she had just been talking about her little nine month old daughter, Dr. Liu has a new little daughter so I said,"You're Doctor Liu's wife aren't you?" and when she said yes I just grabbed her a gave her a great big hug. She was so cute about it too. She made me promise not to tell anyone, but now of course I'm writing about it on my journal, but that's not the same thing as blabbing it all around the office.

Later after the other nice nurse, the one who gives shots so well you can't even feel them, had taken my vitals, and we were on our way to the gigantic techno-super-whiz weigh-in scale, I caught sight of a very overweight man in a suite talking with Dr. Liu and another doctor. They were just leaving the room and as they left I just couldn't help my buoyant friendly self, I bounced over towards this guy and said, "Oh don't worry at all. This is the best decision you will ever make. You are going to be so happy you did this. Dr. Liu is the best. Look at me I've lost eighty-six pounds in just a few months and already it's turned my whole life around."

I just wanted to cheer the guy up, give him a little shot of confidence, a little brotherly fat gal to fat guy love kind of thing. But he probably felt the way I have always felt when people butt in and tell me about Herbalife or ask me when the baby's due, and I guess I shouldn't have done it because he took one angry look at me and growled, "You've made a mistake. I'm here for a circumcision!" and with that he turned his back on me and slammed the door to his room, leaving me standing there with my mouth hanging open. Although it turns out he really was there for the surgery. Poor guy, I still want to give him a hug. Grouchy people are always such a challenge.

Still later when I was about to get my monthly B shot, (which I will have to have for the rest of my life, because the surgery has left me unable to assimilate B), that I had hoped to get from my favorite nurse, I'll call her Nurse #1, the other nurse, (who is perfectly nice, and who we will call Nurse #2), started preparing the syringe. But I wanted Nurse #1 to give it to me because when she gave it to me the last time I didn't even feel it. So when my favorite nurse, Nurse #1 walked by, I gave her this desperate, pleading look and made little shot-like hand signals behind the other nurse's back and she caught my drift. Then Nurse #1 cut in and asked Nurse #2 if she wouldn't mind if she gave me the shot.

I came over and said, "I'm sorry, it's just that when she gave me the shot last time it was so amazing I didn't even feel it. But don't feel bad I'm sure your shots are fine too, and who knows maybe she'll blow it this time and it'll hurt like hell." Then I gave her an apology hug, (hell, I'll hug anyone these days), and Nurse #1 and I went into one of the little suites. After I got the shot that I didn't even feel, I walked to the back of the closed door and screamed "Ouch!!!" as loudly as I could. Then we both came back out of the room and tried to keep straight faces while we looked at the other nurse who was standing in the middle of the hall with her mouth hanging open, and then we all burst out laughing. I laughed so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes and Nurse #2 kept telling us over and over how there was no way that we had fooled her, and that no one yells like that when they get a shot. Lots of fun all around.


Picture by Bill Arnett
This pretty little dragonfriend is almost as beautiful as the one I saw.

Just one more little story before my dream -- There was this stunningly-beautiful, bright, fiery orange dragonfly that was perched on the very tip of my Mother's car antennae, when I was leaving her house the other day. I looooove dragonflies, love, love, love them. I think they are magical and lucky like hummingbirds and bat rays. This one had a furry, bright orange body the color of the sun when it's setting, and wings that were translucent where they connected with his body and at their tips, but that had a bold stripe of that amazing orange right down the middle of each of them.

He, (I try to be fair to the sexes and use she as much as possible but this guy just felt like a he), seemed to be attracted to the shiny black ball on the end of the antennae and was dripping the wire and then bobbing his head back and forth towards the ball. I was so close I could see his eyes and every little detail of his wings. I just stood there frozen for so many minutes until another dragon fly buzzed us and my orange friend gave chase. Then he came right back again, circled over me and went back to his perch on Mom's antennae. It was amazing, such a terrific moment, and another reminder that I should never go anywhere without my digital camera.



Okay so here is the dream that I started writing about early this morning but that has taken me until now to finish. I've been remembering my dreams a lot lately and they've been interesting enough to me to want to write them down. This one was all about this luscious Polynesian hotel restaurant in Hawaii and my running around without underwear. I'm going to put it behind the cut for those of you who can't bear to slog through people's dreams.

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