August 16th, 2003


Pinky My Naked Big Balled Rat, The Word Fuck, and Le Divorce

My little, or maybe I should say big rat Pinky has been fighting pneumonia for a couple of months now, poor little big balled guy. At first he hated me because he's such a high strung naked rat, but now he lets me kiss his face and he puts up with me. First he gets his Baytril that he doesn't like the taste of, then he gets his pink antibiotic syrup, the name of which I've forgotten, and then he gets a treat, every morning and every evening. Then after he's finished his treat he gets let out to run around and make trouble. He likes to nibble on my Tammy Faye paper fan, darn it.

We're going to pull him through this somehow. The vet said that we should consider putting him to sleep, that he's suffering, and that if he doesn't get better this time around that we should let him go. Hunh? I think I know my rat-friend better than some walled off quick-to-kill vet. Pinky is having a blast tormenting New guy right now, and just a few minutes ago he pulled my pretty color wheel of my bulletin board and tossed it at me. last night he ate part of my Halloween Garden of Merit Award, and I'm doing my best to keep his little naughtiness away from my loving valentine watercolor by Scott.

If I could sense that he was suffering and there was no hope then yes, I would have to make that decision, but I've had vets tell me shocking things about my cats like, "Oooh we just might have to remove her eyes," when I was able to save them with a lot of care and patience. Right now we are fighting to keep the newest black kitten alive. His Mom is kind of pushing him to the side and he isn't suckling but we're going to give it the good fight, why the fuck not?

Pinky is a naughty ratling,

who wants to eat the color wheel,

until he sees me.

I like the word fuck, in fact I love the word fuck. So why am I so tormented about writing or saying it in front of people I don't know well? Oh God I can see the psychological work I have to do, stretching ahead of me for miles and miles, beyond wheat fields, pine covered mountains, forests, prairies, and star filled vistas, farther than the eye can see. A whole lifetime's worth of work, and then never enough, so that I'll have to come back again and again until I finally get it right. It's exhausting just thinking about it -- makes me want to rush right out and buy a see through light blue plastic kiddie pool from Sport Mart. Why, I think I'll do just that. But I won't brush my hair first, I can't bear seeing the clumps of it that are coming out from my weight loss surgery.

Tonight Scott and I are going to see Le Divorce. I've read bad things about it, but come on, it's Merchant Ivory, it's set in Paris, it has two very interesting actresses, although I don't think Hollywood knows what to do with Kate Hudson, (She lived next door to me when she was super little. I always used to rescue Goldie's dogs and take them back up to their house. They were always so friendly and cool to me), she's so full of life and talent, but I haven't loved her in anything since Almost Famous. Conversely I hated Naomi Watts in that cobbled together piece of shit Mulholland Drive, and then loved her in The Ring. Although she does have that kind of cold sedate stillness thing that Nicole Kidman has going on, even though I love Nicole Kidman. Movies, my opinions about movies, feh.