September 2nd, 2003


Here Finally Is My Promised Sharon Osbourne Show Description

Here Finally Is My Promised Sharon Osbourne Show Description

This is the little header I made for the letter I'm sending to Sharon with the flowers tomorrow. The only difference is that I outlined it in glitter and sprinkled glitter on her fairy wings, I looove glitter. It's too darned tiny for you to see though because something is wrong with my account at Warped, I think they're down for maintenance, and Cute FTP isn't working, so I had to use Shutterfly to put it up. They limit the width of the pictures they host so we're left with this super tiny image, waaaa. I wish I knew what was going on. Oh well, I guess I'll have to figure this out tomorrow.

Well, we finally went to see the Sharon Osbourne Show, and I've finally written it up for you and all I can do is gush! We had so much fun. Seriously, the warm up comedian had us laughing so hard we were having trouble breathing. The set was warm, inviting, friendly, and very Sharon, also very MTV Osbournes so it felt welcoming and familiar. The dogs were running all over the place. Sharon was a doll, gorgeous, dressed so well in the coolest clothes, and a wonderful hostess. It moved at a super pace and the guests were fun and a good mix of celebrity and ordinary folks. I'm crossing my fingers and saying prayers for her, I so hope it will be a hit.

The show tapes at KTLA studios on Sunset in Hollywood, the days she tapes vary from week to week and she generally tapes two shows per day, one at one o'clock and the other at six.

The set is pretty big and looks a lot like their house looks on The Osbourne's on MTV. It looks as if Sharon and Rachel Ashwell of Shabby Chic got together and designed it but with quite a bit of Sharon's gothic dramatic flair. As we all know she is a fabulous shopper and has seriously good taste.

Stage left is the band or musicians performance area. It looks as if it is recesses into a giant fireplace and can come forward or tuck back inside a curtain. There is a kind of carved distressed plaster piece that hangs on the wall just above this. Just upstage of this is a staircase with a carved metal railing that again looks a lot like the staircase in their home on the show. There are a bank of monitors running up along the wall that mimic the look of all of the cat and dog photos they have at home.

Just to the right of this and in the background is a sort of darkened looking dining room area with a desk with lots of cubbyholes. All of the furniture is distressed looking and there are many overstuffed comfy looking sofas. In fact the whole front row of the audience is comprised of sofas. There must be at least eight of them lined up along the front of the theatre. We all would have loved to have been able to sit there but it seems to be reserved for special invited friends and relatives of guests so they have close access to the set if they are invited onstage for any reason.

Center stage down front is the main living room set. There is a lovely sofa, a distressed coffee table and two comfy arm chairs. The set is loaded with gorgeous pastel floral arrangements made up of mostly roses, lavender and pink, just gorgeous. Stage right of this living room set there is another set, similar in style but a bit more casual, which I think is meant to be the set for interviews with average wo/man on the street type folks, because she conducted her celebrity interviews in the center, while the less famous and more casual fun type of interviews happened over here.

Just behind the casual set is a big antiquey looking wooden table with lots of raised chairs or stools around it. I'm guessing this will wind up being for craft making projects or perhaps eating. Just behind this is a sort of replica of her kitchen at home, with a great big fake subzero refrigerator door to the very right of it. We could see people entering and exiting through this door occasionally and the only thing inside the refrigerator that the audience can see were several long but narrow shelves that seemed to be loaded with expensive looking scented candles.

There were loads of pretty pillows and draped luxe fabrics tossed about. There were funky crystal chandeliers just everywhere. Their sweet little dogs are present and are allowed to pretty much roam about at will. When we were there we got to see Minnie and Maggie but not Lola. Maybe Lola only comes when Jack is visiting.

The warm up comedian was terrific. He was on fire he was so good, just flaming energy, brilliant, quick, super smart. His routine was very solid and since we sat through two shows we could see that he had no problem altering it or throwing things out and going off on equally funny tangents. One rude audience member, who had been present at the first show, made the mistake of shouting out one of his punch lines and he attacked her with about twenty Your Mama jokes that were funny and new, one's I'd never heard before. Shut her down fast.

He was an amazing juggler, which sounds corny but wasn't at all, he loaded his mouth with ping pong balls and shot them up in the air and caught them, then juggled bowling pins? while balancing a director's chair and then a ladder on his chin. He was super facile with accents and great with put downs, which kind of supports my theory that comics, who I think border on genius or lie somewhere beyond the demarcation line of genius and madness, have to work so hard to get ahead, and take so many shots from idiot audience members, that they become depressed, angry, and secretly mean, which accounts for why their humour can often take such sharp, hurtful, and biting turns. In each act he picked one poor hapless male schlub from the audience to be his fall guy who he picked on relentlessly. It was hysterical though.

Getting us to clap and cheer for long periods of time, by plying us with a few Sharon tee-shirts, seemed to be the name of the game for this guy and it worked. Like desperately hungry little mice we cheered our hearts out for these damned shirts, (which mostly went to the gals with the biggest boobs), when we would likely have done so anyway because everyone there was a huge Osbourne fan, and we all love Sharon, so it really wasn't that necessary. But like most shows they have to pump up the audience, get the energy smoking hot so the show looks and sounds good. At some points we were encouraged to clap for so long we began to feel like clapping slaves, but anything to help Sharon, seriously, I'm that much of a fan.

After the longest warm up in history, we're talking an hour, maybe an hour and a half, Sharon finally came out. She was pushing Minnie in a stroller, putting to bed any rumours that Minnie had indeed been accidentally killed by Jack in the last episode, (very cruel joke that, still not sure if I'll forgive them for this, as they made me cry), and looked FABULOUS! She had on black trousers that I think were studded down the sides, very Gaultier, with a fine tailored blouse/shirt, and suspenders that were studded with what looked like little brass or copper beads as well.

Her hair was styled to perfection, that beautiful deep maroon red with black lowlights and her makeup and face looked perfect. She wore boots for the first show and seriously high spike heels for the second and is much more delicate and tiny in person than she seems on the show. She is very thin, but doesn't look drawn. Although when I hugged her she seemed a bit frail. I'm hoping this is my imagination because how anyone who works as hard as she does could be delicate or frail is beyond me.

After the wild standing ovation with applause and hooting, she shushed us, parked Minnie's stroller and sat down on the coffee table in the main living room set. She said that she just wanted to show off one of those Jelly Kelly Birkin like bags that was made of light blue rubber, very cool, that she said her daughter Amy, who had just flown in from New York, had just given her. She said she was so thrilled with the gift that she was going to keep it right up front where everyone could see it for the rest of the show. On the second show she came out with one of those Gwen Stefani black and white graffiti Sportsacs and set that out front as well. She is such a gal's gal, I love that about her.

She was a bit soft spoken and actually seemed a tiny bit shy at first but warmed up as the show moved along. She was her usual flirty, naughty self and tossed out a few choice swear words every now and again, and when she would the audience would roar and cheer. During breaks between segments Beau and I would call out to Minnie who would look up at us and sort of tilt her head. Eventually Minnie got bored with the stroller thing and all the noise and hopped down and ran backstage.

Sharon's first guest was Juliette Lewis. Juliette was wearing a skin tight, loosely woven black on black stripey number, could have been Missoni or someone else, but it was very see through, no bra, we could definitely see her nipples and her black G-string panties. She looked very, very, I think I should say it again, very thin. I think she was also wearing a lot of body tan makeup.

Sharon greeted her warmly and said that she was he first "movie star" interview, to which Juliette demurely replied that she didn't think of herself as a movie star. They showed a clip of Hysterical Blindness, the film she did with Uma Thurman and Gena (my personal acting hero) Rowlands. Then they showed a clip of an upcoming film she's in with Sharon Stone who she raved about and then Juliette said, "I'm not bad, I'm just the girlfriend of the bad guy. I'm supportive of the bad guy, Brad Dorf." Then Sharon said "Oooh I know him, he lives near me. He's a very naughty sexy little boy." Which was just so funny and uniquely her.

Juliette was pushing her anti-psychotropic medication cause. She admitted to using a lot of drugs when she was younger and said that now that she's thirty she's really against them, especially prescription drugs that are used for children. Apparently she went to Washington and was on some panel to keep schools from getting involved in drugging kids with Ritalin or antidepressants. Sharon said that Jack's school pushed really hard for them to put him on Ritalin, at one point threatening to kick him out if they wouldn't medicate him. Sharon said that Ozzy refused to medicate Jack. Juliette seemed sweet and responded to the audience, she waved and was friendly.

During a break a girl in audience shouted out, "Can I go out with Robert?" and Sharon said, "He's single, how old are you?" When the girl said she was nineteen Sharon said, "Ooooh that might be nice let me get your number."

The next set up was for a band called Becky who we had never heard of. They came out and were setting up and Sharon announced them and gave their names and somewhere in the back of my mind I heard her say "and Keanu Reeves," and thought it couldn't be. But when I looked closer I realized that it was. I thought he was in Dogstar. Anyway they were great, the lead singer was this cute little blonde who reminds me of ana. I think she was on the Real World Seattle, but she was great and so was Keanu. He's a rockin bassist. I was impressed.

Afterwards Sharon went over and talked to all of them and pointed out that Keanu had taped his shoe together with what looked like electrical tape. When she asked this multimillionaire why he did that he said, "Well, these are like my favorite shoes and they were coming apart so I just taped them." I love that he is so unglam and down to earth. He even ran up into the audience and gave these two screaming fans kisses on the cheek. I thought that was so generous and sweet of him. I thought he was too reclusive and shy for that but I was wrong.

Next up was this really cute pre-taped segment where Sharon went to see Lance Bass at his hotel. We see her knocking on his door early in the morning wearing a fuzzy pink bathrobe and carrying coffee. Then the next thing we know they're in bed together. Mr. Lance is not wearing a shirt and is under the covers so it gives the appearance of his being naked -- very risque, super cute, and again so Sharon. They chat a bit and then he gets up and strips off and takes a shower. Sharon sits on the toilet and talks to him while he showers, eventually showing him a framed picture of Kelly and kiddingly tries to set them up.

After the taped segment she came out with the towel he used to dry off with, autographed, and promises to give it away on her website to whoever writes the best letter asking for it.

Then she moved over to the more casual living room set and told a story about this girl who we've all been reading a lot about who has been dubbed a Bridezilla because she got into a fight with the restaurant owners on her wedding day and wound up getting arrested. Sharon sat in the middle of the couch and had the bride to her right and the restaurant owner to her left and tried to help them work it out. There was a video of what looked like a pretty wild reception, lots of cake smushing and tossing, and drunken falling around. Their main complaint seemed to be that the restaurant management closed the bar early and asked them to leave because they were being too rowdy but no one even mentioned the fact that these kids were underage and shouldn't have even been allowed to be drinking in the first place.

Then Sharon had a bit straight to the camera where she was supposed to say, "So if you have a conflict that you would like me to straighten out for you, come see me. Come sit on the couch here with me and we'll see if Mama O. can sort it out for you." It was so cute but she couldn't get the phone number right and just blurted out, "Oooh I fucked it." We all just roared with laughter because frankly that's how everyone I know speaks, we love it when Sharon does it, and it's so refreshing to see someone, especially a celebrity, a woman known for being a wife and a Mom, being so real.

For the second show she wore another pants outfit. The pants were black and she had on a white shirt with a cool sweater over it that left big openings for the shirt to peek out underneath. Her first guest was Monique who was hysterically funny. She was just so on the mark and had the most amazing energy. She was promoting her new book, "Skinny Women Are Evil," and talked a lot about being pro big and was very positive and political about size. They showed clips of her show and she just generally charmed the audience. I liked when she told Sharon that she thinks men need more wives like her, that she loves how Sharon loves and supports Ozzy by just letting him be himself, that he could run naked down the street and she would just say, "That's nice dear."

Then they showed a taped segment where Sharon talked about the lap band surgery she had done and how she had lost so much weight. She mentioned how hard it was for her to get around, how it was affecting her health, and how when she would climb the stairs she used to get so tired she would ask Jack to put his hands on her ass and push her up. It was funny and moving.

When they came back from the tape they introduced a young woman named Rachel, I think, (my friend Monique's sister had seen her at a hotel the night before so that's how we knew the subject of the second taping was going to be about weight loss surgery and to stick around, small world), who was only nineteen and had recently undergone the same surgery I had in March, the gastric bypass. She had it only five or six weeks ago and had lost about fifty some odd pounds. Her Mom was there and she talked about how her daughter loved softball and couldn't play at the weight she had reached but now is looking forward to getting back into it.

The next segment involved a kind of Queen for a Day scenario where Sharon had received a letter from a woman about her terrific Mom, so Sharon decided to do something nice for her. She hired maids and a chef and baby-sitters and did her house up while she took Mom out for a massage, a meal, and some shopping. It was very, very, sweet. The Mother and her daughter thanked Sharon profusely and gave her a bouquet of flowers. Apparently they had met through Kelly who had spoken with the daughter who asked for Sharon's help when her uncle was fighting cancer. Sharon had called him and they chatted but sadly he didn't make it.

I don't remember too much more about the second show except that it flew by compared to the first. At one point Sharon sat down and answered questions from the audience. I told her that I had lost a hundred pounds and she was very sweet to me, she congratulated me and told me I looked beautiful. It was a nice/happy moment, and after the show she walked all the way up the stairs to where we were sitting and gave me a hug and a kiss. I said, "I love you sweetheart, you're my hero," and meant it. Good feelings all around.

Well, that's about it. I'm sending a gorgeous arrangement of flowers, pastel roses and gardenias, from The Woods to her studio tomorrow, along with a long letter I wrote, a copy of the magazine and my photo resume. I wanted to thank her for the show, wish her well, and suggest myself as a guest. You never know, can't hurt.

Happy Belated Labor Day Hugs,

PS: My Mother actually invited us all on a picnic and we went. It turned out nicely, amazing.