October 14th, 2003


(no subject)

Oh Man I am so freaked out about money right now. Did that sounds like a kind of sixties-seventies sort of sentence to you, the oh man, and the freaked out part? Maybe if it were the sixties I would have said something more like, "I am so like doooown about not having enough bread maaaan." If it were the seventies it would be something more like, "Dude I am so like out of dinero." Or is dude an eighties term?

My Mom called me and just went off about my spending. When she's scared she panics and makes really scary reactive choices, so she scares me and then it trickles down to poor Esther, Irma, Beau, and finally Scott from there. Were like the dog chased the cat, the cat chased the mouse... At least I'm aware of the pattern so I just told Esther not to worry and not to take anything I say right now too seriously. It's just that I put out so much money for Esther and Irma and their families and that is one of the biggest expenses I have, well, that and the pets. I can stop my crazy compulsive spending, or at least I can tone it way way down, but even if I stop any extra spending I can't live on what I'm earning. I have to find some kind of concrete solution for this and soon.

I was so upset that I knocked over a big fruit smoothie sized cup of well, fruit smoothie, and it puddled all around my keyboard and my scanner and dripped off of my desk and onto the floor. I did the same thing last night with my Sobe drink, knocked it right over on the table on my porch, all over the batteries for the Halloween decorations. Man, (there's that man again), am I stressed.

Scott is suggesting that I limit myself to buying one item a week on eBay. He also suggested I have a talk with my Mom in person to help reduce her fear because she needs the reassurance. Yeah as if she would find any comfort in my telling her I was only going to buy one item a week on eBay. If I told her that she would just scream at me and say, "Oh no. You're not going to spend another dime on eBay ever again. Ever! Do you hear me?"

We are on two completely different ends of the spectrum. She wants me to suddenly dump all our beloved animals off somewhere, fire my assistant/pals, (never mind that they are totally dependant on us), and shop at Costco starting yesterday. I want to blythely breeze through my life, hoping that somehow I'm going to strike it rich on eBay or land a new agent and start working again or some terrific stay at home computer or craft related job will just fall in my lap, while I continue to spend as I like, of course. Oh God this is all so embarrassing to talk about. I am so close to deleting this entry rather than posting it but again, this is my jouney, my very own Mr. Toads Wild Ride and it's all about balance, separation from Mom, and growing up for me. Growing up at forty, what a joke? I mean you could have guessed that if you took away my ability to use food as a coping mechanism, if you surgically altered my body so I just couldn't do it anymore, that all my other issues would flare up a bit, at least for a while, couldn't you?

I was just calling Mom today to tell her I needed a check for Esther's husband Hugo, who is my Man Friday and who does things around the house when I need help, and Mom just exploded and said she refuses to pay, when all along she's always paid him. I understand her point, that I could do a lot of these things myself, but Esther had pressured me to hire Hugo because they really needed the money, so I tried to tell Mom that since it had suddenly become an issue that I wouldn't hire him anymore but that it isn't fair to just suddenly refuse to pay him and she just refused to listen and kept shouting at me. Then after she hung up on me she called back and kept yelling at me. What do you think the first thing I did after I hung up the phone was? Before I knocked over the cup? You got it, I went to eBay, but I didn't buy anything.

I'm going to hock my diamond earrings to pay my minimums on my credit cards and pay for our food and expenses on our trip to San Diego this weekend. I could just cancel it but the hotel has already been paid for and we'd never get the money back for our front row tickets to see John Prine and it's all just such a big joke anyway. We have the money, it's just that my Mother is the world's worst money manager. She never invests it in anything that will grow she just lets it sit in the bank and thinks that will earn enough for us to live off of. I so hope she does make good on her threat and decides to turn my trust over to me on Thursday.

Okay off I go to my regular doctor for a follow up visit.