October 21st, 2003


113 LBS Gone, Paypal Dickishness, Beau, HGTV, My Response to Some Hurtful LJ Comments

113 Pounds Gone! Woohoo! My Mental State, Paypal, Beau, House and Garden TV, Halloween Errands, and My Angry Response to Rude Dispassionate Comments Left In My Journal.

This is a perfect example of the kinds of things I love to buy on eBay and shouldn't because I can't afford them, but this is so unique and cute and I'm so nuts about Halloween and want to support a fellow artist gal who is clearly so talented.

Oh thank God I'm in a better mood today. Wow, that was a sad ride there for a couple of days, but I am feeling much better and more like my usual positive and hopeful self. I'm thinking it was somehow chemically or hormonally related, touched off by a few minor circumstantial things. Plus I had my period and my body is still undergoing such tremendous change, annnnd I just got an IUD that gives off hormones. Either that or I am bipolar. Lovely.

Somehow the days always manage to beat me down though. I wake up hopeful and positive, light and full of joy and by day's end all I want to do is take some kind of feel less pill and zone out in front of the television. Somewhere, somehow I am going to have to learn some hard core stress coping techniques. Something more than basic meditation light. Maybe I need an entire personality restructuring, that or zillions of dollars for the best shrinks and therapists I can find, ass kicking therapists who will force my brain to create new and healthier neuro pathways so I can live better in what often feels like a very fucked up world.

I used to indulge in suicidal fantasies, (suicidal ideation, a clinical sign of depression), before I started taking antidepressants, it was my dramatic little psychological escape valve, like letting off pressure and pain as vapor. I could just think, "You know I can always step out of this hard reality any time I want," but having Beau changed all that. I'm trying to remember what movie it was where there was a scene where someone is crying and says something desperate like, "Having children just robs you of your right to kill yourself." Anyone remember the scene or the quote? Could it have been from The Hours? I can just barely wrap my mind around it. I see someone crying while she says it. Anyway ever since I started taking Effexor I became convinced that my own peculiar chemical makeup was what made life harder for me than other people, made me more of a sensitive crybaby, and perhaps more of an artist, because as soon as my system got used to it, things began to hurt less, slights bounced off me more easily, wounds didn't penetrate as deeply, and I rarely if ever even allowed the passing fantasy of jumping off something very tall to enter my thoughts. So it was a big surprise to me the night before last when the pain managed to grapple up the big med wall and heave itself over where it got my attention, leaving me in bed heaving with sobs and thinking about dying.

I know I'm not supposed to be reading Sylvia Plath but I just got her journals and they are so damned hard to resist. There are so many good quotable sentences that I want to share with you but something that struck me was how honest and open she was for her time, how incredibly brave she was, but then these weren't public journals. She might have been keeping them just for herself if maybe with an eye towards editing them for publication one day down the road. The other thing that stood out is what a cryer she is, and so was I, before the meds.

Paypal has decided to be ruthless and wicked and suddenly limit my access to my account. Out of the blue after years of successful transactions, hundreds of successful transactions. All I can think is that they are confused that my Mother and I both have our names and credit linked together on the account. I'm so distressed about it, I use Paypal for everything and we're just gearing up to sell like mad on eBay. Oh well, everything has a reason and this may serve to reign in my credit card debting so it's all for the best despite the panic and anger I feel. Now I have more empathy than ever for my friend ana who just tangled with these faceless corporate jerkmeisters and lost. Poor thing. Now I hate them. Now I see.

Today is going to be a fun errandy day. I have to buy some black tulle to drape the Victorian wicker baby carriage with our wannabe Rosemary's Baby devil doll. I should have dressed his pram pushing mom more like Mia Farrow with short blonde hair instead of as a vampire bat devil spider widow gal but that's what I had on hand, heh. I also have to get some kind of reddish light for the inside of the carriage so he glows, otherwise the whole affect is lost in the dark of night. I need AAA batteries for the baby light up pumpkins and some more AAs for the flying bats. I need some push pins for some of the hanging light trims and some safety pins to fix the wings on the backs of some of the mannequins, oh and I need a good scary latex or rubber mask for the one mannequin who's face is so scary we thoughts we'd just leave him be, but it isn't working, he just looks weird.

I need to go to the pharmacy to refill prescriptions and to the dress maker to alter some of my now too big clothes, and my Halloween dress from Torrid that I got for a great price at either gothauctions.com or ebay, I can't remember which. I love it and I am also loving the fact that I can tie it around my waist. I never wanted to show off my waist before, well at least not at any time after I turned twenty-five or so.

I helped a very reluctant Beau work on his homework last night. He wrote a really terrific ghost story for school but he is in so much need of help when it comes to spelling, punctuation and his use of grammar. We had a meeting with his teachers and he forgot that he had committed to going to an after school homework help class on Monday's, and he also forgot that he has committed to showing me his homework every day so we can review it together and make the necessary improvements. This is going to be so much work, but I love him, and of course we will muddle through this together.

A really nice gal from HGTV's (House and Garden TV) Country Style called me today and we had a fun conversation that lasted ages. They had contacted me last spring but we were going to be in Hawaii when they were going to be in LA so they want to do it this November. Sounds like fun. It might also be helpful for me in terms of promoting my eBay auctions and the website that I have yet to design and put up, and tape of myself is always good for my demo reel. Plus I can be fun, funny and charming and I know my lifestyle will make for a good segment.

Well, I had really better get going if I am going to get anything done today.

This next part is something I wrote earlier and is extremely personal, (as if my writing about depression, my IUD, my period and suicide isn't), and very Live Journal Drama-ish so I'm just going to put it behind the cut to spare your having to scroll through so much text on your friend's pages. It concerns a minor comment someone made to one of my recent posts that just really pissed me off.Collapse )