December 19th, 2003


(no subject)

Hello My Sweet Live Journal Friends,

How are you all weathering the busyness of the season? I've been swamped and overwhelmed and busy and happy. I just finished knitting three scarves. I'll take pictures of them for you. I'm really behind on sharing pictures. I still haven't put up the pictures from the House and Garden Television shoot we did here at our house. They're just sitting in my digital camera. I also have some more kitty pics to share.

Beau got the flu or some version of it and I've been battling something. My food has been pretty bad, lots of sweet snacking and miraculously I've not only not gained any weight, I actually lost three pounds. How is this possible? I break into the Sees Candy boxes that I bought as emergency back up presents to have on hand for people's kids or people who I care about but am not that close to and I lose weight. It's just so weird.

I started a new therapy group, a gals group. I hope it works out. I also found a trainer and just have to work up the courage to call him. The garage is almost finished and ready for us to sort through our stuff and move some of it back in. I'm still working on my Christmas card. I always stress myself out over this. One of our new baby girl rats died. So sad. We don't know why. And today I adopted another rat because I saw him at the pet store when I went to a new store to buy some dry cat food. They were taking such bad care of their poor rats that his eye infection has blinded him in both eyes and his eyes were full of blood, bastards. I just couldn't leave him there like that. We have antibiotics for rat eyes but I think I'm going to have to take him to the vet, sigh.

I went to my new pal Atra's house tonight to finish my scarves. I love my new friend and her family. Things are good. I'm getting out more. I'm loving people and liking myself. I like my body thinner. It's so much easier to do things now. I can run down my stairs and before I had to take them one at a painful time. I went through my bra and underwear drawers and was able to give away so many that they aren't a stuffed chaotic mess for the first time in five or six years. Esther is happy to have my too big cast offs. I think I'm done shopping but I never think I've bought enough and then I always want to buy just that one more thing. Like right now I want to go to this candle and soap shop online and grab a few more gifts for Scott but I just can't afford it. Oh well. We still have to decorate the tree, it never ends, but I do love this time of year.

I hope all of you guys are super happy and well. I love you -- Jacqui

(no subject)

These are the $1,800.00 hand painted UGG boots I was telling you guys about. I went and took a couple of pictures so I could show them to you. My friend Amanda's Mom had them made. I think they're really cool but not for this much money.

Oh man did I overeat last night. Well, for me, with my stomach as small as it is. I had cheese, bites of a cupcake, a bite of chocolate and a bunch of Persian honey cookies.

The problem is when I eat small bites of high calorie things over a longish period of time. I have to get serious about the way I eat, what I eat, get enough protein and water and exercise. With so much to do, so many gifts to buy and wrap, cards to make and send, my sweet son to care for, my mom, and all of the animals and their problems it just gets hard to remember to be more organized and disciplined with my food and health.

Here are two pictures of BBB playing in one of the Christmas bags while we were wrapping presents yesterday. She was so cute. She's really funny looking because she has this round apple dolly head and one bad eye but we are so grateful she lived we don't care how she looks. Irma and I never stop kissing her, poor little thing. She kisses us back now, so sweet.

I'm up because I need to put the final touches on Beau's Secret Santa gift and the gifts for his teachers. He's better but still too sick to go to school so wonderful, wonderful, wonderful Irma is going to take everything to school for us. I couldn't bear the thought of letting down the little girl who is depending on him for her little gift. I had a secret Santa who let me down once when I was little and I know how much it hurts and how easy it is to personalize this and feel like it has something to do with you, that you aren't as lucky as other people or deserving of a gift. I would never want to be part of doing this to someone else.

Madison, the little girl Beau is being Secret Santa for, is getting a pretty little rhinestone bracelet and a little string of battery operated Christmas lights. Now that I'm writing this I'm wondering if this is enough. Beau never told me what the minimum and maximum amounts were. My favorite part of the whole Secret Santa thing was sneaking in at recess or lunch and hiding little gifts in my person's desk or locker. We used to give something every day for a couple of weeks so each day you would get a bag of chips or a roll of lifesavers or a lip gloss, back then it was probably something from Bonne Bell.

I'm giving the teachers something really simple and small but fun, they're each getting a candle that is exactly like a slice of strawberry cheesecake pie. They come in little triangle shaped plastic boxes and they smell so amazing, with graham cracker crust. I can't believe that we can't eat them.

This is Sammy. He was "helping" us wrap gifts yesterday. I made these pictures as small as I could and hope I don't get a lot of complaints about the damned LJ cut tag.

I love rich, delicious, indulgent non-edible gifts. Is it any wonder? I try to surround myself with things that smell amazing -- things for the bath, for my room, for my underwear drawers, for my body. It makes me happy and indulges the part of me that went to food for this in the past. For my friend Susan, who I am supposed to meet for lunch today, I put together this whole non-edible chocolate gift with creams, soaps, scents and things. She loves chocolate but just can't eat it, like me once she starts she just can't stop. Actually she's much worse than me, poor thing. I can eat a few bites of something and then leave it, she literally cannot stop until everything is gone. At least that's what she said.

Here's a funny picture of Miss Zazu Pitts. She never stays in one place long enough for me to get a picture of her so I was excited I actually almost got a still shot of her.

I'm watching Nicole Kidman on The View. I wish someone would make me a tape of all of her television interviews and award show appearances, same for Madonna, Meryl Streep, Angelina Jolie, and Gwyneth Paltrow. God is she beautiful, Nicole. As last year's best actress she gets to present the award to the best actor at the Oscars this year. My immature celebrity loving inner gossip hound is excited about the possibility of Tom Cruise winning for The Last Samurai, although I don't think it will happen because the Industry is so mean to him, Oscar wise. He was so robbed for Magnolia, I don't care what anyone else says.

It would be worth voting for him just to see that moment -- Nicole presenting him with an Oscar. She's such a swan and even though I don't have a clue what happened between them, and frankly it's none of my celebrity grubbing business, I've projected my own female woundedness onto him, (even though I like him and wish him happiness and success), and want to see him forced to be loving to her in such a public forum one more time.

I'm pretty sure this is Ping but we have so many black cats sometimes it's hard to tell which is which after I take their pictures. It looks like Pingy inside a Hallmark bag.

Sometimes I think I shouldn't write this kind of thing here in my journal. I should be the gifted, professional, hard working thespian girl who longs to be invited to speak on Bravo's The Actor's Studio show. Someone like that wouldn't be writing about wanting to know what really went on behind the scenes of popular celebrity couple break ups, or would they? Maybe Meryl does gossip with her friends over coffee and a pedicure. She is human after all.

I'm so bad, I'm all about the drama, living vicariously through people who are just actors really, just people who we've elevated to this bizarre superstar status and yet I still wonder about what happened between them, why they split. I wonder if he's gay, if she's gay, if she was just his beard, if it had something to do with his being a devout Scientologist when her Mum is a psychologist or if none of that is true and they just had the normal problems that couples have multiplied by the hot white light of super stardom. I do wonder why they didn't have children naturally and adopted instead, even though I think that's the sweetest thing and want to do this myself when I'm in a more stable and positive place in my life.

You know as long as we're sitting here waiting I would like to know why Gwyneth and Brad, Angelina and Billie Bob, Michael Jackson, Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley, and Madonna and Sean broke up. I can guess but I'd like the details. I know these are real live breathing people and I shouldn't care, and even though as an actor I feign an attitude of nonchalance in these kinds of things, I am really caught up in the bizarre media machine that feeds my curiosity about people who live their lives the way I have always dreamed of living mine. I mean we're talking about my wanting to be a successful, working, and yes I'll say it although I am very ashamed about it, famous actor since I was in THE SECOND GRADE.

I know that everything happens for a reason, or at least this is what I practice believing to make the world a less painful place to exist in. So I tell myself that so many of my friends became massively successful and famous because they were better equipped to handle it, or it was their karma, and that when and if I am meant to succeed that my time will come. I try to think about the downside of things, how hard it must be to never be able to go anywhere without people staring at you, how weird it must all get and content myself with the dream that no matter what happens I will someday have enough money to maybe run a small theatre locally and always be able to act in theatre and if I can do that then I will be honestly happy, as long as I can channel my talent in some way and work as an actor then I'll be okay.

Well, that's enough rambling for one morning, I have got to get back to bed and catch up on some sleep or I'll be useless today. So much to do as always... and I'm having the worst period cramps, ouch. TMI for the guys?

And here is our beloved Tea Tea, the sweetest, hardest fighting to live, little kitty on the planet.