December 20th, 2003


(no subject)

Well, my darlings, I'm off to do errandy things today and I always wonder why I never manage to achieve any progress towards my big life goals around this time of year. It's just this long slide from late August through September. Starting with Burning Man, if we manage to make it, through getting Beau ready for and starting the new school year and all that entails, our insane Halloween madness, Thanksgiving, and then the pressure I put on myself to create this manic, try to make everyone happy Christmas messiness.

Just as an example; today I am going to pay some of my credit card bills which scares me no end, make a protein fruit shake, go out to my car and drink it on the run while taking my morning prescription pills and vitamins, look for my missing cell phone and hopefully find it and plug it in, put on my makeup while pissing off all of the other drivers around me who hate when women do this, (I've been wearing makeup much more than I used to, I actually kind of hate that I feel pressured to do this while men don't have to give this a thought, but I know I look so much better with it on and now that I'm losing weight I'm seeing my age more than ever before, waaaa), stop by Atra's house to pick up my completed scarves and drop of Kourosh's candy, I just remembered I have to wrap that and all of the cinnabun and strawberry cheesecake candles, have a cup of tea with Atra if she is there because she would be sad if I didn't and frankly so would I, (I am so in love with this family, I feel so lucky and blessed). Then I'm going to stop off at the toy store and look for little extra gifts to fill Beau's stocking, take the scarves to Jennifer's, show them to her and buy some gift boxes for them, pick up my made smaller skirt from the dressmaker and switch it for the one I'm wearing which is now too big, (this is actually fun -- the clothes getting too big part), then I'm either going to get a polish change and give the lovely ladies at my nail salon presents, a bikini wax, ouch, and streak my hair, or blow all of that off in favor of going to Mailboxes Etc. checking my mail, sending my adopted aunt the little majolica dish I bought for her on eBay, then going to my Mom's house to see how she is doing health wise, drop off the top to my dressing table, my Christmas present from her that Atra knit for us which is this gorgeous, amazing, bright green cashmere sweater, and my long lost Christmas stocking. If I manage to pull all of that off without feeling guilty that I'm not here taking care of my sick little boy, or at least doing something more meaningful and helping him learn about the true meaning of the season, or wrapping presents and decorating the undecorated tree I'll be amazed.

Then tonight Scott and I are going to go to Century City and I am going to buy presents for him to give Irma, Esther, Atra, her Mother, and my Mom. If we pull that all off and still feel well enough we are going to go to a movie. It's all fun stuff I just get stressed about it and it's a relief when I listen to the radio or the news and hear that people are having panic attacks trying to get it all done in time. I mean I'm sad that this is the way I let things get but comforted that I'm not such a freak that I'm alone in all of this. When I read about people stampeding at outlet mall sales and getting hit in the head with flying discounted DVD players I don't feel so bad.

Tomorrow I get up and start all over again, I'm taking my friend Susan to lunch at the Beach Club, I've got to finish my Christmas card collage so I can color copy it, tie yarn strings to them and mail them out to people at least a day or two before Christmas, take all of our decorations out of the twenty or so plastic storage boxes that they are sitting in, (even though I promise myself every single year that I will get the decorating done the day after Thanksgiving so that we will have all month to enjoy it), and decorate the house, and finish any unfinished wrapping that's been left undone, and then try to write back to everyone who has so kindly been reading my journal and commenting in it to say nothing of all of my LJ friend's journals who I would like to read and catch up on. I was so stressed and tense this morning that I actually started doing Tibetan creation chants while I was laying in bed cuddling my cats. This always freaks them out a bit but I'm convinced that the vibrations are healing for all of us.

Okay off I go into the wilds of Los Angeles holiday shopping and traffic madness. By the way a big Happy Hanukah to all of my Jewish pals out there. I called Scott's Daddy last night to wish him a Happy Hanukkah and I feel really good about that. Whenever I do something loving for someone else it makes me feel so good that I actually wind up feeling selfish about it -- that old Sister Judith and the cloakroom thing from grammar school. Giving is supposed to be anonymous and for the other person, not for yourself, for the credit, but she never said anything about the feeling of joy you get when you do something loving.