January 5th, 2004


Doctors, Dentists, My Crumbling City, My Broken Heart

Isn't this gorgeous? It's on eBay right now for a mere six thousand dollars and at that princely sum the reserve hasn't even been met. I collect lustre ware but not at this price, sheesh. I love the name though, fairyland lustre bowl, le sigh.

Hi Everyone,

Well, I've got the usual mix of the mundane and the more serious to chat about. I'm still sick with the flu, or a virus or something. Mom still has pneumonia and her Farging doctor won't even talk to me about her over the phone. Imagine how you would feel if you were your eighty-something-year-old mother's only living relative and you waited all day for her doctor to phone you back only to finally hear from his receptionist who says, "Dr. Blablabla said to tell you that if you want to discuss anything about your Mother's health you'll have to make an appointment and come in to talk to him in person." I want to hit him. I mean it. I'm so pissed off.

Every doctor my Mother or Father ever had have always been able to spare a moment or two to speak with me over the phone. I can't even get an appointment with my dentist for another month and I am in serious pain. I think that one of the next bites I take with this throbbing tooth will cause it to crack in half and break off in my mouth. I've been leaving messages for more than a week and the best they can do is squeeze me in, in a month?

What is happening to people in our city these days? Where did service, accountability and kindness go? Everything has become so rule bound and corporatized. It's getting more and more like New York every day around here with people swearing and cutting each other off and everyone being so heartless to each other, don't get me wrong I like New York, but you know what I'm talking about, the stress of a crazy city can bring out the worst (and best) in people and we seem to be headed that way, sunny days and palm lined streets not withstanding. I want to say that things seem to be crumbling -- getting worse, but my friend and therapist Susan P. would say that I'm creating this reality by affirming it here in writing. So I guess I won't frame things as being complicated, dark, messy, overwhelming and sucky, they're all fabulous, in fact everyone adores me, they enjoy communicating with me, everyone wants to support me in all my efforts. Me me me, love, light and positivenessness. There, we'll see if that does any good.

I'm worried about my weight but don't tell Dr. Phil because he scares me. Today I tried to imagine what that man would be like in bed and well, it scared me. I finally got under 200 Lbs. I was 198 and now I'm 202 again. Could it be the chocolate and the cookies? Do you think?

I saw my ex the other day and was disappointed that he couldn't muster one kind word about my one hundred and twenty something pound weight loss. Hey, if he were capable of being selfless or kind I guess he wouldn't be my ex then would he? Sometimes I worry that he reads my journal, that he knows I fantasize he'll say, "Wow honey you look fabulous! I'm so happy for you!" and act like he's sorry he lost me but that this is the reason why he doesn't. Isn't that pathetic? I'm sure he doesn't even care enough about me to bother to read my journal, if anything it's the poor woman he's currently stringing along, ("I don't want to live with her, I mean she's okay but I'm not in love with her or anything, I'm just staying there because it's convenient,") who's reading it to try to get a bead on him.

He did surprise me by giving me a gift for Christmas for the first time in five years, a Sarah McLachlan CD. I'm still puzzling out what this means and why he gave it to me, while it was probably something he was regifting, or maybe his current, (he goes through them like potato chips), girlfriend said, "Hey Rob, why don't you do something nice and give that old ex of yours a present and shock her out of her accustomed disappointment in all matters relating to you?"

It might sound to you like I want him back but I don't. I mean there's a part of me that will always be married to him, that will always love him and not be able to let go, but in terms of ever getting back with him, if I'd wanted to do that the time to have jumped on that train came and went a long time ago when he was trying to weasel his way back in while giving the least he possibly could in return, "Oh Gosh Jacqui, the girl I left you for is soooo jealous that we're getting close again, (I didn't know what he was talking about when he said this, it was so weird and felt like such a creepy manipulation), and maybe I'm making a mistake but I missed you and our life together." Unhunh, yup, that was the sound of my stomach flipping over when he said that and then hugged me. I still have nightmares where I find that we're still together and I'm panicked to find myself back in that terrible position of wanting to be with Scott and not wanting to hurt Robby. I'll wake up drenched in sweat and panicked. All of this while at the same time missing him, wondering what he's doing, if he's okay, feeling more distant with each passing year but being unable to let go completely. I think we'll always belong to each other in some other realm. You can't fall in love with someone when you're just nineteen years old, spend half of your life with him and have a child and then just let go, or at least I can't.

This whole Britney Spears thing is restimulating the hurt I have around my ex having run off and married the stripper chick he left me for, while we were still married. The whole quicky Instant Cup O' Soup Vegas Wedding Chapel, Let's Get Married Even If We're Already Married To Other People, Or Are Just Being Irresponsible and Can Annul It Tomorrow thing. I don't get it, it's weird and selfish and it hurts. It makes such a joke out of marriage and marriage is something I hold sacred, which is why I think gay couples should be allowed to marry and not have to settle for some lesser commitment ceremony in place of the real thing, like Bob's promise to "see where we can go" bullshit right hand proposal ring to Estella. What is with people, grrrrr? It's a good thing I have the new Boiling Point show to look forward to tonight, anything where people are prodded into expressing their rage will be a good thing for me to watch, yup, unhunh. thas right.

I was going to blather on some more but my poor friend Eduardo is dying to use the computer so I think I'll cut it short for once.

I finally sent all of my cards out. There were four that didn't make it because they were in my card bag but I'll send them out tomorrow even though I'm embarrassed and this is the latest I have ever sent out a holiday card. I'll scan them in and post them as soon as I'm feeling better. I've been in bed for most of today and yesterday and I'm just too weak and sick to do much more than this right now. Even taking vitamins made me throw up, blah, at least I've got TV and food and cats to look forward to. Is this the beginning of the end? I hope not.

Love you guys,