February 11th, 2004


The Osbournes, the Valentine Fashion Show Luncheon, Carmen and Dave, Squirrels and Snoring Kitties.

More Yak About the Osbournes, the Valentine Fashion Show Luncheon, Carmen and Dave, Squirrels and Snoring Kitties

Hello My Sexy Journal Monkey Darlings,

I just finished watching the Osbournes. Is this all I talk about these days, this show? I hope I'm not boring you to death, it's just that I love it so much and am so happy when it's back on. I feel like I'm hanging out with friends when I'm watching it, even when it's just about Jack and his friends making dick moulds, I'm happy. I love that it's so real. And there's nothing else like it. I want to like Carmen and Dave's new show and America's Top Model, Newlyweds, the new Bachelorette, Survivor and all the rest of them but none of them can touch The Osbournes as far as I'm concerned.

Oh and I spoke with the producer who contacted me from Sharon's show for about a fraction of a blip today. She was in the middle of something but she remembered me and said that she'd received the video I sent her. She said she'd call me tomorrow so that must mean I'm still in the running. In this business if they call you back at all it's a good thing, unlike in real life, no news is usually bad news in Hollywoodland.

Okay one of my cats just fell off the edge of the bed and used my leg to catch his fall and pull himself back up, ummm, cats have claws, ouch! I'm just glad I was able to be here for him to help brace the giant fall, not!

I met Anjelica Huston at the fashion show today and she was lovely and charming towards me, just sweet and open, with not an ounce of that dark sharpness she has conveyed so well in some of the roles she's famous for. She was wearing all white and like I said, her vibe was just so open and sweet. I was a friend of her sisters for a blip in high school, so remembering how some of my more successful pals were people who just had no fear, I screwed up my courage and went right up to her table, the head table at the end of the runway, and introduced myself. I handed her a friendly little note to give to her sister Allegra. She couldn't have been nicer.

I wonder how Allegra is. I could Google her but by the time I finish writing this I will have forgotten, I know how my mind works. I wish I had a picture of her to share with you because she was so beautiful, the intimidating kind of beautiful, and so smart they would have to put her in classes a full grade ahead just to keep her mind stimulated. I was telling my friend Jen that I wished I had invited her to hang out but I was too shy to do more than be her friend in class because she was so pretty. Isn't that weird and sad in a way, that we all think beautiful women have it all and yet they are often ostracized and lonely sometimes because people will shy away? I hope she's had a great life and is really happy.

The luncheon was elegant, sparkly and fun with gorgeous red roses everywhere and all the women decked out in their best Chanel suits and diamonds. That tweed jacket with the fringe is still going strong.

I got a lot of attention for my weight loss and the usual questions that I'm getting so accustomed to answering. How do you feel? Fine, tired, but fine. Was it painful? Yes, but not intolerably so. How much can you eat? As much as I want. I just don't want that much. Do you get sick a lot? No. Do you feel like you have a whole new life now? Yes, and no. I have a friend who's really fat can I get your number and have her call you? Yes. Who was your surgeon? Dr. Liu. Are you going to have plastic surgery? If I can afford it.

I keep feeling like I don't deserve the attention, like I didn't do anything and all of the credit should go to my surgeon and his crack team of doctors and nurses. I worry that I've woken up in some kind of fairy tale and that it will all go away if I fall asleep and wake up at the wrong time. Then there are my thighs. The skin on my thighs is really freaking me out.

I always meet the most interesting women with the most important last names but it would be incredibly impolite to ask them if they are that Mr. So and So's wife, so I just chat with people and wonder.

The clothes were beautiful, silky, drapey, sweeping and sexy. I so wish I could have taken pictures to share with you. No one checked our bags but I just didn't think it would be cool to do. I loved the swingy little lace dresses with their narrow satiny ribbon belts and there were floral printed silk charmeuse bias cut dresses and a wedding gown to die for. I was waiting for that.

I've never noticed how far back models arch their backs when they walk down the runway. They throw their shoulders so far back that it looks kind of weird and unnatural.

The lunch was okay. There was a fresh tomato soup that I liked but like the secret inner fatty that I will forever be I was all about the butter and bread and desert. Did you notice that I listed butter first? I just did. I am the queen of carbs, carbs and fat, sigh.

Our poor waiter was overweight and because of this he was kind of top heavy and unbalanced and had a hard time negotiating the narrow space between the tables. He'd knock up against people and their gift bags and purses hanging from the backs of the chairs. He spilled chocolate sauce on one woman's suit, a ton of raspberry sauce on another woman's jacket, and all over the front of his uniform. Then just to top off his already ruined day he spilled tea all over another woman at our table. There were only ten women at our table and he spilled something on three of them, those aren't the greatest odds. By the time he headed towards our side of the table with the dripping silver bowls filled with chocolate and raspberry sauce we were holding out our arms and waving him away. It was funny really, poor guy. My Mom's friend Aleece, who is French and has homes here and in Paris and who I have known and loved for years and years said, "Oh please don't let that unfortunate man come to here, I am wearing my Courreges."

The gift bag was paltry this year; four pieces of chocolate, a Mac sample and a postcard offering a makeup lesson that you can get any day anyway, like I would be able to breeze in and get a makeover without buying any products and not feel guilty about it just because I have this little card? Gone are the days when we would get full bottles of the latest perfume that no one else had yet because we would get them first. Having a former president's wife, (Nancy Reagan), as your honorary chairwoman just doesn't get us as far as it once did. Oh well at least it got me out of my darned house and we raised a nice amount of money for a good cause.

Woah! Carmen Electra's bachelorette party stripper is a little person and female. Well, good for her, guy strippers kind of give me the creeps. I've never liked when they swing their cocks and balls in your face, or shake their asses at you, yech. I seriously don't get what's exciting about that. I'd rather open presents or eat cake than watch some strange beefcake stripper guy get all fake hot and sweaty for me.

Poor Carmen and Dave, they're so pretty, talented, cute and successful, you'd think they wouldn't have to worry about trying to save fifty-thousand dollars on their wedding, that the show would underwrite the cost of things. If Trista and Ryan rate a one million dollar wedding you'd think... uh oh I'm getting sucked in.

My cats just can't stand that I'm typing instead of petting them, especially Baby Baby. She keeps walking up to me and collapsing across the keyboard, stretching out her beautiful soft feline body and sending the keys flying. I have to keep deleting this mass of scattered letters and symbols that spread across the page when she flops down here. Fuzzy is laying on a pillow just to my right of my knee and he's resting one paw against the screen. Every once in a while he'll wake from his long nap and take a swipe at the cursor. He thinks he'll catch it if he tries hard enough.

The dogs are sleeping and the rats are spinning around on their wheels. I'm sure the ferrets are sacked out in their little ferrety hammocks and I don't know what the bunnies are up to since we had to move their cages to the back of the yard so the smell wouldn't freak out my poor neighbors. I have got to find homes for them, help?

I went through more boxes of old vintage inventory today and repriced things to put in my new space. I felt semi-accomplished.

I'm tired and want to sign off... My Scotty is sick and I'm surrounded by snoring cats. As long as I don't sing they'll stay that way and leave me alone, too bad I feel like singing and I don't feel like writing any more. Life is weird like that.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

God I love this song, and yes I do randomly break out and sing it. The cats just don't seem to like it too much when I sing, or maybe they do, I'm really not sure which it is. They come up to me, meow, and try to bite my mouth, seriously. The dogs, now they could care less, unless I point my head up towards the ceiling and howl or say certain special words like walk, dog park, or cookie.

Love you,

PS: I tricked you, I didn't write anything about squirrels, but I was definitely thinking about them.