February 25th, 2004


Love, Death, Life, Cats, Valium and Teeth

We're going through a lot of changes here in the land of Beau, Scott and Jacqui. Thank you so much for your kind words to Scott, it means so much to both of us. His Dad is being cremated and will have his ashes spread at sea. There will be a small service at his girlfriend's condo in Leisure World this Sunday. I want Scott to at least read something, have some kind of hand in this. It's his right and would please his Father.

I can't get over how I allowed myself to stay away when we knew he was dying. I do this a lot, let important opportunities pass me by and then hate myself for it later. I have not been a seize the day kind of gal and I so need to work on improving this, not just for my sake, but for the sake of the people around me, the people I love.

Beau told me that he doesn't want to go to his friend's Bar Mitzvah on Saturday if he has to go to the service on Sunday. He hates school so much that he treasures his free time and doesn't like having any obligations on the weekends. I hate having to break it to him that this is life as we know it.

The cats are driving me crazy, for every two or three words I type, I have to pick up a cat who is hell bent on laying down across the hot keyboard, say, "No honey!" pick them up and move them aside. I worry that I'm hurting their feelings but why is it that they only want to cuddle up when I'm busy. Anyone with a cat will know exactly what I mean by this. Have you ever tried to open a book and read when one of your cats is around? It's worse with a laptop.

I had some serious dental work yesterday in preparation for more intense dental work tomorrow. Beau and I have so much dental work we need done. I've decided to try to tackle it in bigger pieces, a quarter of the mouth at a time, otherwise we'd be putting it off forever. So we each have a three to four hour long appointment tomorrow and have been given pre-panic Valium prescriptions. Woohoo, nice that, legal Valium, didn't even have to try to buy it on the Internet somewhere ; ) I feel a little bit weird about giving one to Beau, but he's so scared. He's never even had a cavity filled, so it makes sense that he's a bit freaked.

It's so incredibly expensive and daunting. I think I mentioned to you that the first dentist I went to handed me a wee estimate of twenty-thousand dollars so back we went to our friendly local holistic Dr. Silkman, my teeth won't be as glam and Hollywood as I'd like, but they'll finally be healthy.

I procrastinate about taking care of our teeth more than anything. It's the one area where I feel I've let Beau down the most as a Mother. I can't bear for him to be frightened or in pain and since I am so afraid of going to the dentist it's doubly hard for me to take him. It's all about growing up. At my age, feeling so old -- watching two generations of kids that have come up behind me reach out and achieve the dreams that still feel as if they are just beyond my reach, counting tiny wrinkles breaking out across my forehead -- I'm still growing up. I doubt if it will ever end, not in this life time or the next. There's deep beauty and meaning in this.

At this rate, if the Sharon Osbourne show ever gets back in touch with me after having asked me to send pictures and video and then blowing me off, big sigh, there won't be much left to make over, heh ; )

I watched The Osbournes tonight, the episode where Ozzy has his accident. So sad. Then it said the show won't return until April. April darnit.

Scott hasn't wanted to see me for two nights, not since he learned his Father died. It's killing me. I want to sweep in there and rescue him, but he turns inwards, to the comfort of his lonely home and smoke and although I understand and would give him anything, anything he needs, it makes me cry. I can't bear to watch him suffer. One minute we're so connected, making love, as happy as we can be given our weird living circumstances and then the next minute the world flips over and he's lost his last living relative.

Today Irma, (who I am losing in less than two weeks -- losing Irma and her four children who have lived with us like family for two years. All those birthday parties, all that time spent together, gone, nothing but memories and photographs. It's killing me, I love them so much), came into my bathroom and said, Martha, (my Mom's weekend nurse), has been trying to reach you, your Mother is dying and is in the hospital. At least that's how I heard it. In Spanish her Mother and your Mother are the same, "Su Mama estas muriendo," could be taken either way. My heart fluttered up to my throat, but when Irma saw the panic on my face she explained that she meant that Martha's Mother is the one who is sick. Within an hour we got the news that she had died.

I love Martha. I carefully cultivated our relationship with her, carefully trained her to work for my fussy Mom, even got her to wear a uniform, something I against but that I thought my old-world Mom would appreciate, so I could gain a tiny foothold in my Mom's, Rosa the evil, lying, greedy, housekeeper's dominated world and now she's going, poor thing... argh cats, they just won't let me write tonight...

I love you, all of you, every single one of my dear Live Journal friends, those of you who take the time to read my journal, those of you who bother to post comments, and even those who don't. I wish I could get it together to remember everyone, to keep up with you, to post comments on your journals, to reciprocate your kindness but it's all I can do to take care of my family and keep all of these cats alive and away from my flying fingers as I sit here basking in the sentimental glow of a Valium and try to tell you that I care even though it may not seem like I do. I don't feel I deserve you but I lean on your gracious and powerful support.

So much love,

Jacqui and Buki (Charles Bukowski), Caspar, (named for the Caspian Sea in honor of my friends the Sartippours), Niki, (Nikilananda), Jake, (the one eyed pirate cat), and Leelu, tygyh= who just won't stay away f7rce234 from the keyboardiok ...sleep, I hope.

PS: This one is for my beloved friend anawee... who I love but have never seen once in person, weird, aint it : )