June 9th, 2004


I'm Pissed!

Man, my last post brought out some really hurtful comments from someone -- someone I may know who is using another journal to write from, or just someone who has been reading my journal, sitting back and judging me and finally chose to weigh in.

You know sometimes I wonder why I write so openly, make myself so vulnerable here when I know there are people out there who will asess my life, and the way I choose to live it, and weigh in with their judgements and opinions. I've tried to filter this out as much as possible by disabling the anonymous comment feature but there are obviously ways around this.

It's not like anyone was vicious or overtly cruel, although they were pretty harsh, I mean they seemed to be coming from a place of wanting to do good by kicking me into their version of what they think I need to do to get my life in order, but no one, NO ONE, ever has the right to judge another human being, and kick them around "for their own good" when they haven't truly gotten to know that person, lived in their shoes, or specifically received permission to do so. I can't imagine just hopping into someone else's journal here and calling them "a sweetly facile, pathetic loser to whom the world owes a living because you are so nice and good and everyone picks on you," and then telling them to, "Grow a spine and do something for yourself." How ironic that this person who says she or he has been reading my journal for a year says all of these mean things, supposedly in order to help me, from behind the safety of a blank journal, and right in the midst of my trying to do the very thing she is accusing me of not doing. It's just bizarre and pisses me off and makes me feel unsafe here.

It's scary how much a person can learn about you by reading your journal, how easily they can access your vulnerabilities and cut right to the heart of them. Who is this person and how do they know that I don't have anyone in my life who is standing up to me and "bitch slapping" me? Have they been in my sessions with my psychiatrist and my therapist or on the phone with my friends? All they have to go on is what I write in here and all of that is controlled and filtered, even though I try to filter as little as possible. Man, who needs this? Is it really worth being so totally vulnerable and open about every aspect of my life here when I get comments like this?

By the way this is day five of my not using my very small amount of pills to self medicate. I also went to my first NA meeting. Some of these people came up to me and said, "What are you worrying about? You're only taking a half of a pill? I was able to wean myself off of them when I was taking eight." So I can't win for losing. In NA I'm not fucked up enough, and here when I make a committment to change something about myself I'm labeled a "pathetic loser." Judge not lest ye be judged, and that's all I've got to say about that God Damnit!

Twinkle Needs Your Prayers

I wish I had a better picture of Twinkle on this computer but this is the only one I have here.

I need a huge cat favor. See the white kitty in the picture above? That's Twinkle, one of my favorite cats on the planet. The kitty beneath him is his best friend, brother and only littermate Sparkle, he died just a short while ago. I loved him so so much. He had a congenital disease called amyloidosis where your body produces too much protein, (pariticularly in Oriental Shorthaired cats which Twinkle and Sparkle are), and can't excrete it, so it stores it in your organs, specifically your kidneys and your liver. There isn't a cure.

Twinkle is fading. His white blood cell count is sky rocket high, his liver doesn't look good, he just looks awful. I'm giving him subcutaneous fluids and appetite stimulants and buying special foods and taking such god care of him. I'm just trying to walk that awful line between keeping him alive, hoping he'll bounce back, and watching to see if he is suffering and should be put to sleep because there's no hope of a recovery. This is always a hellish painful place to be.

Today I am going to take him to the vet again, this time to stay for a while so they can be certain he isn't suffering and so they'll be able to do whatever they can to make him comfortable. Chances are pretty good that they'll wind up telling me he needs to be put to sleep. I have always hated that expression and as I sit here knowing that I need to take a nap so I can be a chipper and positive girlfriend for my boyfriend because it's his birthday I can't help but want to stay awake and spend Twinkle's possible last few hours at home staring at him while he sleeps.

Anyway the favor I'm asking is for your positive energy, prayers, candles, vibes, support, whatever you can send Twinkle's way. It's worked before, so why not now? Thanks so so sooooo much.

Big loving hugs,

I miss my Sparkle, there will never be another like him.