August 24th, 2004


(no subject)

That's a pretty sobering sentence there, "You voluntarily assume the risk of serious injury OR DEATH by attending this event..." I always get caught for a second or two by that one.

Well, hello my darling Live Journal friendlings. This may be my last post for a couple of weeks since we are about to leave for our beloved Burning Man. I've gone really blonde and tomorrow I'll be getting lots of dreads. I've decided to leave them blonde and use yarn and silk and chiffon flowers to make my gardeny head of hair. I've got pouffy crinoline skirts, plenty of bras and camisoles, my trusty black Doc Martins and pink and black fuzzy and stripey socks, ballerina tutus and fairy costumes, and some great wings that I bought from a woman who knows how to make them -- not those cheapo Ahhhs strap on kind, these are hand built on big wires.

I've decided to take down my fun and friendly sign that I've had on my front security gate for the last few months. It's just too much trouble for me to keep fighting the tide on this one. Apparently someone called the police on me, (for a funny, friendly little sign, can you imagine? this neighborhood is way, way, way too uptight for me, I so have to move), because they thought I was running some sort of business from my home because my little sign says, "Open Thursday Through Sunday Until 11:00" or something like that. Anyway they came by and we weren't home, so they interviewed some of my neighbors. Being a stubborn, strong willed, naughty, individualistic Jacqui, and keeping this sign up, just isn't worth the threat this poses to my animals. Sad.

The jasmine at Scott's house was so amazing last night. It was like ambrosia or nectar for my nose -- nasal nectar -- doesn't sound too good, but it was heavenly for me. Scott found it "too cloying," waaaa, jasmine is so attractive to me it's orgasmic. I can't just walk on by, I have to stop and marvel at it, take it in and experience it, oh heaven. I plucked some blossoms and put them in my purse and on my dashboard and still today that wonderful scent lingered, mmmm, jasmine. I wonder if the fact that I lost my virginity while bathed in the scent of jasmine that wafted through the open French doors of my lover's parent's lovely garden has something to do with this.

Scott is definitely buying a house. I'm so excited about this. Change frightens me but excites me at the same time and I am so house proud and interested in decorating and nesting that I feel like a kid at Christmas. My Mom knows me so well she said, "I bet you're going to want to furnish his whole house," I told her no but the truth is that I'm just dying to start looking for furniture for him. I'm so good at this that whenever I put out that I need something it just kind of finds me, or I find it, in alleyways, on the curb, (seriously we've found some of the best stuff put out with the trash), at garage sales and flea markets. I've also got plenty of stuff in my garage and in storage that I can let go of.

I'm really looking forward to Scott's buying a new bed that we can be comfortable in. I've never really liked the bed he has because it came from his last relationship, it's small, it's old, and it's super uncomfortable. I bought him the couch that he has but it was used when we got it and now it sags so badly it seriously hurts to sit on it, there's a huge pit in the center and you can't sit on it without falling into it.

I'm also looking forward to using his new spa/Jacuzzi and having, ahem, a fun time with him in it. I hope he'll have lots of parties and that he'll be very happy there, I'm sure he will be. It has a good number numerologically -- I take these things seriously.

Anna and Esther have been fighting. It's been a big, messy, pain in the ass, stress inducing drama and isn't worth writing about.

I finally got my butt over to Kitty B's house today and took her some of the many things I've been collecting for her. She was so happy and grateful and that's always rewarding and happy making. She showed us all of her latest projects and the cover of the book we worked on together. I gave Spot another octopus squeaky toy and he/she was soooo happy chewing on it, attacking it, and whipping it back and forth. Kitty liked Beau, I think, and she was in such a sweet, happy, good mood. It was fun seeing her. She gave us two jars of her super delicious homemade mulberry jam, yum.

Beau and I did tons of errandy things together today. He needed clothes so we went to Pacific Sunwear and The Gap. We got him a bike like mine because the other bike was just too hard for him to ride. We'll either sell the other one, give it away, or keep it as an extra for when friends come over and want to go riding with us.

I've been going to the tanning salon and doing a little mix of tanning bed and mystic spray tan so I won't be the white scar belly girl on the playa. I need to get a bikini wax and was wondering if I should get it cut into a funny shape and dye it, or just wait until I get out there and go to the bikini shape camp. I think I'm too shy for that though so maybe I'll just get a normal trim, who knows. I still have to buy a ton of condoms to give away out there and boxes of something, some kind of toy for the kids. Oh and I still have to make trading/business cards and Kidsville Please Return Me to 5:30 and Earth laminated tags for the kids who inevitably toddle off.

You know usually all I can think about is getting out on the playa and taking pictures of everyone and everything, that and looking for naughty things to get voyeuristic on. This year I'm looking forward to the kids. I want to play with babies and toddlers. I want to hang out with people in our camp and make new friends. I'm so excited I can hardly slow my spinning mind down long enough to sleep. Everywhere I go, everyone I speak to, it's just, "Bla bla bla bla Burning Man." But I don't have a pat answer for the inevitable question, "Oh yeah, what is that, I think I've heard of it?" I honestly can't come up with a succinct one or two sentence explanation for what it means to us, for what it's like. If I just freely associate with words here maybe I can come up with something; love, glitter, happiness, sun, dust, nudity, people, community, art, art, art, fire, sequins, sparkles, moonscape, desert, fire, survival, gift economy, eco friendly, survival, sex, love, water, sun, heat, storms, weather, rave, music, art cars, center camp, kids, bikes, love, sex, water, fire, survival, art, yoga, da man... See, that doesn't even begin to touch what the experience is like for me. I wonder why it's so hard to put words to. Someday I'll figure it out : )

I bought lots of books to read in case we get weathered in and wind up having to stay in our big ass thirty foot super discounted, woo, woo, thank you Scott, motorhome. One year we lost two whole days that way, the playa was just impassable, too thick with mud to ride a bike on, rain for days and then terrible white out dust storms that would come up so suddenly you'd have to dive for shelter or pull people in out of it because you literally could not see your hands in front of your face. Oooh that reminds me, I need to buy dust masks.

We met a lot of pet pals today, there was a little dog named Guido at the cafe near the bank, Kitty's sweet dog Spot, then two Chow/Lab mix puppies who licked me up and down and sniffed under my skirt at the vet, and a little shy Chihuahua with pneumonia, oh and kittens. The best days are always filled with animals.

Okay well, I should get going. Here are the latest dresses of my Mother's and Grandmother's that I won on eBay;
Grandma's Silk Dress
Granny's Black and Pink Seeveless Dress
Jean Carol Skirt, Yeay!

And here are some costumey things I bought for our trip;
I love this gals little goth dolly slip dresses. I need to learn how to make these myself because most of hers are too small for me.
This is an old 40's bathing suit I bought -- love the vintage bathing suits.
Aren't these hysterical? I bought a few of these frilly little baby doll panties. They'll look good under my flippy crinoline skirts.
This is a baby doll costume I bought. It's so cute and funny and comfortable. I was kind of blown away when I discovered there were so many baby costumes for adults on eBay.
I bought a few ballet/tutu costumes from this gal. I'm going to remake them a bit and use them as fairy costumes.

Here are a couple of cool girly links

Okay, I'm beat. I hope I get a chance to log in again before we leave. I read somewhere that we can actually get Internet access from the playa, that would be so terrific. I would love to be able to share photos and write to you in real time. We'll be heading out on Thursday and will likely take our time traveling slowly up the coast. We love the beach and want to visit out friend with 500+ cats in Santa Barbara and gather moonstones in Cambria. I'm hoping to go north along the beach and then cut in before San Francisco and drive through Sacramento, into the Sierra's where if we have time we'll camp and play at this pretty spot where we hung out for a day or so a couple of years ago, then on through Reno, Gerlach, and hopefully arrive at Burning Man at midnight on Sunday.

Where did the summer go?

Sleep well everyone.

Love you,

PS: Hey, no one's barfed or peed on me tonight, what's with that?

Am I The Biggest Freak In All The World?

Hey Gals/Guys,

Well, so much for not logging in again before we leave. I guess I need this too much as an outlet for whatever is going on with me. I'm at my favorite Japanese tea house buying a gazillion boba drinks for everyone at home, for the people in the hair salon, and at the knit store, Jennifer Knits. I just got back from F&S Fabrics where I had a blast buying stips of bright pink, fushchia and limey green silk and tulle fabrics to sew onto my slip dresses and tie into my hair. I also bought flowers, sequins and ribbon. I'm in the over-color-stimulated art happiness zone right now. If I didn't still have so much to do, I'd be able to kick back and enjoy the feeling but right now it's still more of a mix of anxiety and excitement.

My hair stylist, Terry, who is going to do my synth dreads, called me super early because she was confused about what color I wanted her to buy for my extensions. When Darrin dyed it the other day, we went blonde, but not as blonde as Terry had thought we would so she wanted me to come in and show her the color, which meant I had to hop out of bed and hustle my butt over there before I was really ready to.

Next I stopped in at the yarn store and this is where things took a turn for the itchy anxious and stressful for me. It's a tiny space, often super crowded with people all demanding poor Jennifer's, (the sweet owner) help and attention. It can be so fun and stimulating sometimes. When the right mix of people are there, it can be a really terrific social experience, but when the grumpy, snobby, elderly knitters are there, it can turn sour. Today was grumpy, snobby knitter's day.

I walked in and right at the front there was a clatch of grey haired, face pulled too tight with one too many plastic surgeries, gals. One lady had this fox fur stole laid out on the table and everyone was oohing and ahhing over it.

"Oh that's fabulous!"
"Marge, that is going to look so good on that sweater."
"Oh yes! Thank goodness fur is finally back in."
"Yes, I'm having my chinchilla cleaned so I can wear it again."

Well, fragile little emotional bee that I am, you'd think I'd just learn to shut my mouth and walk on by, but I'm also fiercely protective of animals and these principals that I hold dear. If someone like me, someone who cares and wants to prevent the suffering of these poor little animals who live their lives in crowded cages and then end up being electrocuted, gassed, or drowned before having their skins peeling off to be sewn together for a bunch of selfish bitches who could care less about their pain, suffering and fear, then who will do it? So what do you think I did? Nope, I didn't spit or throw paint or swear or any of the things I might have been brave enough to do in the old days, I just stood my ground and said, "No, fur is not coming back in. There are still many, many people who care about the suffering of animals and are opposed to it. It's just the furriers who have put pressure on the magazines to promote their furs and all of the many people who won't speak out against them, or who just follow along with the style pressure, that are making it seem like it's "fashionable" to wear it again. I think it's just plain wrong, cruel and awful." And then I kind of deflated and slunk off. It hurts me so much more now than it used to to stand up to people in the face of their staunch opposition.

Well, as could be expected I felt like Frankenstein hiding in the castle, the villagers gathered as one with their torches and wanted to route me out. You should have seen their faces. One of the ladies kept staring at me like she knew me, (she's probably one of my Mom's Beach Club friends, great) and she had this frozen, mixed look of horror and disdain on her face, seriously, her mouth was pursed like she'd just sucked on something horribly sour, grrrr, wish I could have slapped her, but at the same time I want to be happy and at peace with everyone, the impulse to tear into people and slap their faces isn't exactly out there on the right path -- the path to spiritual enlightenment, at least I know this much. Then they just went off, chattering and jabbering about how rude I was, how sick of being harrassed they are, and how annoying people like me are.

After I had calmed down a bit I kind of reverted to my 12 Step roots and decided to make a fast ammends for the part of this that I didn't feel comfortable with. I thought about this older lady, how happy she had been with her little fur and her hand knit sweater, how she and her friends had been having this little bonding experience and I just swept in and ruined it for everyone. I thought, "Well, maybe that's an older collar, maybe it isn't too horrible if people are reusing their old furs." Even though I really don't agree with it, or fake fur for that matter, because it can be confusing and gives people the impression that you think the use of fur is okay, when it isn't IMONSHO, (In My Own Not So Humble Opinion.) So I mustered up my courage, walked back towards her and said, "You know, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to be so agressive and opinionated. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings or upset you. I'm just very sensitive on this subject and it's never really come up here before." But then I got to listen to a stream of nasty blather about how animals are meant to be used and that if it weren't for animal research she wouldn't be alive today and bla bla bla bla.

I refused to argue with her because I was trying to make peace, even though I knew I could run smart circles around her creaky brittle old logic, (man, I'm being so ageist here, and right when I'm feeling judged and scrutinized for my age more than ever before, I'll have to work on this, damnit,) so finally I just had to say, "Look, I'm just trying to apologize, I don't want to get into any more debate here with you. Let's just agree to disagree and leave it at that." But she wouldn't she kept going and going so I had to walk away, but I was just shaking and so stressed and anxious.

Luckily my friend Darrin was there next door sitting on a chair outside the salon and he helped calm me down. I even called my friend Ana and blabbed away to her answering machine because I just had to reach out to a friend. Then I went to Le Bon Pain Quotidien, this little French cafe and had my breakfast at the long wooden communal table and felt so conflicted, frozen, frightened and anxious.

Afterwards I got up and went to use the restroom and horror of horrors when I came out there was this angry young German woman with long brown hair glaring at me and tapping her feet. I kind of panicked because I had just used the one and only bathroom, (God don't you hater when you have to use a public bathroom and your stomach is upset?) and forgot to use the deodorant spray so I started to back into the bathroom which made her even angrier and she put her hands on her hips. So I said, "I'm sorry, just give me a second, I just used the restroom and I want to make it nicer for you." To which she kind of cluck/huffed, flipped her hair and stalked off.

Sometimes I feel too damned weird, sensitive, and fragile to exist in this world.

Bleh, Jacqui