January 21st, 2005


Pink Scarves and Misery

This is my latest scarf thingy. I made it for Ana, my housekeeper in exchange for the gorgeous shawl that she picked out at my friend Atra's knit show. She thinks she didn't pick it out. She did, she's just nuts, but I had wanted this shawl all along, so it works out for the best.

I am in so much pain right now, deep distressed emotional pain. Hurt turned to anger then turned inwards into a horrible self hating depression. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I know how stupid and melodramatic this sounds but I feel lost, as if someone has just pulled the rug out from under me, or played a mean game of musical chairs, turned off the life support machine -- sorry. You can move freely about the cabin now.


"I have said too much unto a heart of stone."

"I have said too much unto a heart of stone."
 William Shakespeare

"Selfishness makes Christmas a burden, love makes it a delight"

"I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies."
 Pietro Aretino

"A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity"
 Baltasar Gracian

"Betrayal is the only truth that sticks."
Arthur Miller

"Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great."
 Mark Twain

"Vanity plays lurid tricks with our memory"
 Joseph Conrad

"Modern man thinks he loses something - time - when he does not do things quickly. Yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains / except kill it."
 Erich Fromm

"The paradoxical and tragic situation of man is that his conscience is weakest when he needs it most"
 Erich Fromm
"Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe."
 Barbara De Angelis

"Integrity is the essence of everything successful."
 Richard Buckminster

"Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others."
 Erich Fromm
"Are you not ashamed of caring so much for the making of money and for fame and prestige, when you neither think nor care about wisdom and truth and the improvement of your soul?"

"A life lived with integrity - even if it lacks the trappings of fame and fortune is a shinning star in whose light others may follow in the years to come."
 Denis Waitley

"There can be no friendship without confidence; and no confidence, without integrity"

"Greed is a bottomless pit which exhausts the person in an endless effort to satisfy the need without ever reaching satisfaction."
Erich Fromm

"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."
 Erich Fromm

"It is by nature to hate those you injure...."

"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges."

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

"A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer."
Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
 Martin Luther King, Jr

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
Harvey Fierstein.

"Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice, and is never the result of selfishness."
 Napoleon Hill

"The time is always right to do what is right."
 Martin Luther King, Jr

"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness."
 Martin Luther King, Jr.

"When it comes to affairs of love and hurt, you have to wait for your heart to learn what your head already knows, then You can break free"

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before."

"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow."
 William Shakespeare

"A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself as a liar"
 Mark Twain

"He that is thy friend indeed,
He will help thee in thy need:
If thou sorrow, he will weep;
If thou wake, he cannot sleep:
Thus of every grief in heart
He with thee does bear a part.
These are certain signs to know
Faithful friend from flattering foe."
 William Shakespeare
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
 Washington Irving

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."
Agatha Christie.
"The surest cure for vanity is loneliness"
 Thomas Wolfe

"Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."
 John Wooden

"Glory is not a conceit. It is not a decoration for valor. Glory belongs to the act of being constant to something greater than yourself, to a cause, to your principles, to the people on whom you rely and who rely on you in rerun."
 John McCain

"Self-esteem is different than conceit. Conceit is the weirdest disease in the world. It makes everyone sick except the one who has it."
 Hartman Rector, Jr

"Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?"
 John Keats

"Give me a dozen such heartbreaks, if that would help me lose a couple of pounds"
 Sidonie Gabrielle

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt

(no subject)

Miss Fuzzums, our little, four-year-old, long-haired, grey, female cat had a bad pulmonary attack, (she's never been well, was a rejected runt who has always had respiratory/sinus problems), but I was able to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation and bring her back. She was in severe shock when I got to her, her pupils were fixed and dilated, she was gasping for breath and she was cold. I was able to get her lungs open and get some air into her and then rubbed her and rubber her to warm her up. I was sitting here in my tee-shirt without a bra, without underwear but I just grabbed her and ran for the car. I drove with one hand and used the other to cradle her, risking accidents by looking away from the road in order to blow into her mouth every few seconds.

I ran into the hospital in my dirty, short, sleep shirt, with my swollen eyes and my crazy hair, and with my naked butt hanging out, and handed her off to the vet tech. Then I followed her back to the operating room and kept breathing for her while they tried to get a catheter into her tiny veins. She was still shocky but better. I'm probably in denial here thinking there's a chance that she might make it. They put her on oxygen, and we'll see...sadness. Think healing thoughts for Miss Fuzzums, please?

I believe that things happen in threes so I'm waiting for the third shoe to fall, shit...

Sorry for all the drama lately, I know it'll all work out. I have a lot of faith that holds my hand through the hard times and always gets me through, no worries : )