February 3rd, 2005

Chalkboard

Gonna Give Singing With Scott One Last Shot : ( Yikes

Oh God, I'm going to go sing with, or sing back up to, Scott tonight and I am dreading it. After everything that happened the last time, I really, truly do not want to, and am not sure why I agreed to do it. I am an anxious wreck about this and all I want to do is hide under the covers. I told Scott that I would rather have a tooth pulled than have to go back there and do this again, and he knows how phobic I am about the dentist. I don't know if I'm being smart and self supportive, or dumb and masochisitc by putting myself right in harms way again.

After the whole Scott-lying-album-drama, he made up with me by appologizing and promising to give me a fair chance. He's said everything I want to hear but until I see action it's just words and I'm left having to take the risk. He's gone out of his way to make up for what he did, for having lied about using the other gal, and he's waited to schedule me in, when he is totally rushed and neurotic about getting this thing done. I should be feeling happy, excited, enthused, and looking forward to this, but I don't really feel supported, and to be creative -- to sing for and with other people -- especially your lover of a gazillion years, you need to feel trust. His selfish behavior doesn't exactly engender trust in me and who knows about his producer, who knows.

I've really been wondering if it wouldn't be better to just allow his music and his career ambitions to remain completely separate from my own, that would mean I could go out there, join whatever theatre company I wanted, produce a play, do anything I want without feeling that I need to include him. He is difficult to work with, over-sensitive, fussy, demanding, a prima donna to such an extent that when we were first falling in love we were in a theatre group, and the members of the group secretly named it Poodles and Hoops because of his excessive demands and needs -- we felt like poodles being asked to jump through hoops for him. He's also very talented, very, very gifted, and I love and believe in him.

At the same time that I'm feeling all of that, I also know that given his promise to include me and then his subsequent sneaky chiselling behavior, if I'm not included, if he doesn't make this up to me, I will end up resenting him and this project, and since he depends on me for support and feedback, I think it would be pretty hard to give.

God damnit, I wish I could just run away. Driving all the way to his house in the valley, and then having to go to this gross, dirty, spider-filled studio, to play with this weird, quiet, shut down, arrogant mother fucking producer and Scott, is just not my idea of a safe, joyful, environment to bare my voice. I'm also afraid that they might be right; taking this to extremes, maybe I do suck, maybe I'm like one of the many scary people who audition for American Idol, the ones who are totally self deluded into thinking they are great when they are so obviously bad, so awful, so pitifull it hurts.
Chalkboard

(no subject)


This one's for Jen and Prins(sp?)

Well, at least I made it to Scott's. I'm going to give singing back-up on his album one more shot tonight and I'm nervous as all get out. I'm walking myself through my fear one minute at a time here, but I think giving him a chance to make some of his past nutty and not-too-supportive behavior up to me is the right move. I don't want to give up or give in on this note.

Anna needs to have the car just in case anything happens at home that she would need to have a car for, and she's going to be driving Beau to school tomorrow, so I had her drive me out here and drop me off. Her biggest handicap, as far as any of us can tell, is her unbelievably bad sense of direction, and the near certainty that any time she has to go somewhere new she is bound to get lost. I wrote the directions out so carefully for her and I even had Beau come along with her so I could use cell phones to guide them back if she wound up getting lost.

We got here so easily, it's just three turns, three roads; the freeway, a left on one street and then another left on one more street and you're here. It's not like I'm asking her to drive to Quebec or something. To get back you repeat this process only backwards but just in case I wrote out the return directions, step by step, in Spanish, and she still got lost. I don't know, she just seems to be missing some crucial pathways in her brain or something, and as she left I was thinking, "Awww Anna is so nice, okay, so she drives with two feet and doesn't listen too well, she's well meaning and I am so lucky to have her," and then she got lost, as usual. She just zipped right by the right hand turn she was supposed to make and called me miles down the road asking me where to go, argh.

The man that owned this house, before Scott bought it, was a plumber so he installed lots of nice little plumbing extras like the insta-hot in the kitchen where I can just push a button and make my tea instantly. I have two insta-hot units in my kitchen at home, but of course no matter how often we've had them repaired and replaced, they never work.

I love the series Huff so much. I think this is my favorite show now, well, next to The Osbournes, that I will probably always remain mad for. The direction, writing, acting, casting of this show is superb. I've always known that Hank Azaria was a terrific actor and I've been watching Blythe Danner and loving and respecting her work since I was a small girl, but all of these other actors are simply amazing. I don't know Paget Brewster but she's great -- totally genuine work -- not a fake moment, and Oliver Platt, well, you'll just have to trust me that he is so outrageously good in this that he more than deserved the Golden Globe nomination he received for his work in this. Oh and I forgot Swoosie Kurtz who is also totally believable as Beth's loving cancer ridden mother.

I also love the story line, dark though it may be, it deals with one of my absolute favorite subjects; psychology/psychiatry and family. I just can't say enough good things about this show. If you can catch up on the past episodes, or read about them on line, it shouldn't be too hard to jump in and enjoy it like I do. I was slow to start myself, missed about ten episodes before I gave it a chance, but now I'm completely addicted in the same way I am with Six Feet Under when it's on, only worse because this show has a little more heart and soul, if you can believe that.

Speaking of the Osbournes I'm watching a rerun of the premiere of the new season on Scott's DVR right now. I so want to hang out with them. I would just be their pal, come up with creative and fun ways to enhance their lives -- too bad you can't do this, too bad there isn't a safe way for fans and the people they dig to hook up without it seeming weird and threatening. I mean how would you vet people, make sure they aren't creepy stalker beings? If I could I would take my pal Geordie here on LJ and go on over there and apply for a volunteer friendship apprenticeship. I'm still seriously needing that body makeover that I was millimeters away from getting from Sharon before they, or she shut down her show.

After this music thing is over with Scott, and I put some things in my antique mall, I'm going to focus on doing kind things for my Mother. I think she needs some entertainment and companionship and I haven't played with her since we were in the desert together. In about a week we'll be meeting with the fashion show coordinator from the Art Deco Society for the show of my Granny and Mom's vintage dresses that my dear old friend Mary so kindly arranged for us. Now that's a pal.

I let Rosa bring the entire collection of dresses I've been building for quite a few years now, back home from the desert, and we're going to go through them together and decide how many and which pieces we'll use for the fashion show. Then I'll have to come up with some interesting and witty dialogue to go with the dresses since I get to be the MC. Oh and the woman I'm meeting with makes reproduction vintage dresses so I'm going to have her let out one of Granny's dresses for me so I can wear one for the show, either that or I'll have her design a copy for me.

I've been invited to a couple of estate sales this weekend and would love to go, but I also have a neighborhood block party, another singing gig thing with Scott, I've been invited to some other thing for the neighborhood, I think a councilwoman is coming to speak about something, and there's something else on Sunday. I'd like to go to the estate sales so I could get a coffee table for Scott and a bed or a futon for his guest bedroom and stuff for resale. I've been talking about this forever but I'm so hoping I'll eventually have enough stuff priced and ready to go to rent a space at The Santa Monica Airport Flea Market, or a space, as opposed to a case, at the mall.

Okay, off for a bath and then get dressed for tonight. Wish me luck, send good energy?

Big loving hugs,
Jacqui


I like this little girl, isn't she cute? Nice to see a vintage black image that isn't racist in some way.