August 12th, 2005

Chalkboard

Art and Costuming Ideas Sought For This Year's Burning Man and Flirting After Weight Loss


This is my trading card for Burning Man from last year. It's amazing how much a person can change in just a year. I don't think I look or feel anything like this now. This year I feel like my vibe is less sweet and floral and more weary and jaded -- which doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Hi Everyone,

I'm counting the days until we leave for Burning Man. I'm so excited! I'm also nervous because no matter how much I promise myself that we'll be uber prepared for the next year's burn, time always manages to slip away from us, and it suddenly rolls around again with my not having done any of the many super creative dreamy things I'd hoped to do. I'm wondering if any of you have any ideas for us. I still need to decorate my bike, rip up and reassemble my slip dresses, (last year I wore tutus and frilly ballerina costumes with lots of flowers in my blond dreads, but I am so not feeling frilly girlie this year, I'm feeling darker and more punk retro Lolita or something along those lines), buy all of our food supplies, and all of the many things we're going to need to take with us. I need to find a great shade structure that's affordable, and easy to assemble, something other than the typical blue Johnny Up thing that we always use. I want something more solid and shade giving, maybe something like those car cover things I see a lot of in people's driveways in the Valley. I'd like to buy and take a tent that is easy to assemble and that would work as a kind of costume changing room. Even in a big 30' RV there just isn't enough space to lay out all of my stuff and get changed comfortably, it's just too much stuff and makes life in the RV too cramped and uncomfortable. I just don't know where to find one that will be big enough to stand up in, and easy enough for someone like me to assemble. I don't want to do what I've done before, and end up buying an expensive tent that we just can't figure out how to put up. I wish there were some amazing thing that came in a box and popped out assembled.

Clothing wise, I'm wondering if you guys/gals know of any good sites I could browse for ideas. I can't even remember the search terms for the kind of thing I'm looking for on eBay. I'm thinking of things that are ripped up and reassembled, deconstructed and reconstructed, slip dresses, mini skirts, tulle. I also thought I would have been thinner and had my reconstructive surgeries by this summer, oh well. Now, I just want to be healthy, strong, and able to get around, share, contribute, play with friends, and take it all in. I want to take masses of photographs and edit and put them up for once. I need to make things to give away -- ID badges for Kidsville, laminated trading cards for Beau and me, pendants, jewelry, something. Anyway, I just thought I'd throw it out to you to see if any of you had any ideas.

Thank you so much for the ideas you gave me a few posts ago when I asked about costuming, but I could always use a few more. The them this year is Psyche, and I don't understand it. Anyone want to simplify this for me and explain it to me in terms of costuming and art contribution? Here's the website just in case you're interested. Burning Man is everything you've heard that it is, and everything you've never thought it could be. It's heaven on earth in survivalist conditions, the risky ephemeral nature of it is precisely what makes it so beautiful and dear to those of us who make this annual pilgrimage.

Oh and a weirdish thing happened to me at the movies yesterday. The boys went to see one movie and I went to another and then afterwards when I went to their theatre to find them it had already let out and was empty. I had seen a handsome man in a wheelchair in the hallway and gave him a friendly smile. The next thing I new he had wheeled into the theatre and was blocking the entrance. He said, "Hello, do you have a boyfriend or a husband?" It was so direct and kind of strange, so I said, "Yes, I do, why?" And he said, "Oh, I like big women," and then made this fat woman gesture with his hands, sigh. I didn't know whether to feel hurt or flattered. He was a good twenty years younger than me. I told him that there were websites and clubs he could go to if bigger gals were his thing and said, "Yes, I know, but anyway I thought I would just take a chance and ask you." I asked him if he was Persian and he said, "Yes." Then he asked me if I would at least give him a hug, so I did, but it was all so weird. I was torn between feeling compassion for him because he's in a wheelchair, feeling flattered that he'd be interested, and feeling creeped out and offended because he was putting me into some fetishy fatty kind of category.

The day before the incident with the Persian guy in the wheelchair I got hit on by two other men. I have so little experience with this. I'm like a baby without skin in this area because I'm so shy when it comes to men or women flirting with me, and I've been overweight for so much of my life and always thought I wasn't attractive enough to warrant this kind of attention. I don't know what to do when people come on to me. I just shut down completely.
Chalkboard

A Family History of Social Insecurity, and a Sexy Dream Starring Mel Gibson

Oh Wo/Man, Did I have the hottest dream last night, well, for a Jacqui anyway. I've drawn a don't-bother-me line in the sand, and put two, cute, purple, foamy earplugs in my ears so I can write about it. Can't do anything about the cats though -- they'll still try to sit on my wrists to prevent me from typing, and will chase each other across the keys any minute.

Curly Girl and Mouse, who have both recently been in the hospital with virus troubles, are sitting on my lap here in my bed. I have my computer propped up on a couple of flax seed pillows in front of me. It's hard to write like this. It strains the muscles in my back. I just dropped Beau off at his friend Shayan's house for his birthday bowling party, and Esther is here dying to tell me all of her troubles, but I've stood up for the part of me that loves to analyze and document my dreams.

You are going to hate this. It's long, silly, dull, and detailed, with a bit of celebrity sex thrown in; tailor made for the insecure, Catholic-schoolgirl, non-working-actor in me -- the one who lives in fantasy, and longs for a powerful, handsome, prince of a man, (or woman), to come and save her from her troubles, hand her the career she has never completely been able to create for herself, and make everything perfect and rosy.

This isn't a dis. against my Scott. Yes, to be completely honest, there are things that I wish he could cull from my subconscious and pull from my fantasies and act out for me, but I think this is more about what I need to give myself, than get from someone else, and in dreams it just ends up being played out by some kind of archetype, male or female, but usually someone who is famous, popular, powerful and wealthy, someone I have a schoolgirlish crush on, who bestows some of their sparkle on me by recognizing and accepting me -- lifting the velvet rope and welcoming in to the fold, simply by loving me. It's also about Mel Gibson -- see I told you, you wouldn't like it. So I'll italicize the damned thing and you can skip to the end if you like ; ) Of course you're welcome to read my dreams -- I'm the one who shares them here -- just promise me you'll set your judgments aside and take pity on a complicated, forgotten princess of a woman, who is stuck in the quicksand of her life and doesn't know how to get out. I mostly write them here for myself, sometimes I leave the privacy feature on so I won't bore anyone. You know what, scratch that, my dreams are fascinating, read on...

I'm in my neighborhood -- in the weird dream reality version of it, where I've been so many times before. It's the neighborhood that I live in, in my waking life, but the streets are longer, there are more houses packed in to a block, and the people and the houses are different, but familiar to my dream self.

I often dream about two houses that sit side by side that have something to do with the major house demo and remodel (My Mother gets mad when I call it a remodel because it cost a million dollars, took three years of our lives and ended my marriage, but technically that's what it was), that we did about five or six years ago. I'm never good with dates, facts, or figures, but give me a feeling, a smell, a sense memory of something and I can tell you everything about a specific moment in time. I think this comes from my years of Method training when I was a kid, the years when I walked the same halls that Lee walked and he told me that I would be a great actor someday because I was adopted and could imagine myself as being anything or anyone -- not rooted in any biological history as I was and still am in many ways.

There is a meeting taking place at the end of my street, on the culdesac block that I don't have to look out for. I'm only the block captain for the block I live on. I feel that sense of being less-than, of being left out and uninvited. They've banded together and formed some kind of mini-block association, and are having a meeting to discuss how they've taken back the street and expanded their homes and gardens to form a kind of communal area, in front of their houses. I am envious of them -- they're all so close and friendly -- they've increased the value of their homes and made them nicer, they're having fun, laughing and chatting amiably amongst themselves, and their children are playing in front of their homes, riding bicycles and skateboards, and we're not invited. I feel like an outsider -- always on the periphery of being accepted, kept out by something unseen and indefinable about me that other people perceive and stay away from.

Warning; There is a huge digression into my family history before the rest of the dream;Collapse )