February 5th, 2007


(no subject)

I'm just trying to settle myself down a bit before I go talk to Beau and then we have to go to UCLA's ICU. I called my Mom. I called my boyfriend. I called my best girlfriend and no one is home. I love you guys and am sorry my journal has been so sparse and spotty lately -- filled with my daily cat-tragedies -- I've even left a few out, like Harry's stroke that we are trying our best to cope with. But even though I haven't been around as much as usual and my Christmas Cards have turned into Valentines, I still think of you as friends and want to turn to you in need.

My ex-husband, my son's Father, the one who I loved so much, who left me for a crazy crack addicted stripper-bartender-whatever-she-was, the person who left me needing to start writing in an on-line journal while I recovered from the grief of it and the craziness of my life at that time, has had a severe motor cycle accident on the 405 freeway. He's on a ventilator. He has bled into his brain. He's broken all of his ribs and his brother just told me that he is going to lose his leg. Matt, his brother, said that he thinks he is going to live, but this all sounds pretty grim.

I have to go tell this to Beau. I have to be strong for Beau. I have to be strong for Robby. I have to be strong enough to go see him right now and face his Mother who I loved so much but who never liked me and who I haven't seen in over ten years. I have to be strong enough to be among his entire family all at once. I have to be strong enough to see him with a girlfriend, something I could never do before. I have to be strong enough to stand beside this man who in my heart I will feel tied to forever when I don't even have a place beside him except in my heart. This is my nightmare, the thing I used to worry about, that he would be in the hospital and I would have to face this. Please tell me I'm not powerful enough to call this into being just because I would sometimes think about this?

My Mom just called. Thank God. At ninety, she is still the first person I turn to in an emergency. She is my beloved, pain-in-the-ass, rock. I told her that I can't understand my reluctance to fly out the door. I can't understand why I am writing in my journal instead of flying out the door. I don't know why my hands are cold and I can't focus. She said that her hands always get cold when anything bad happens. She helped calm me down. I'm going to go get dressed and then I'll tell Beau and help him get dressed. He loves his father but luckily, it's from a distance, because Robby has absented himself so much from Beau's life that Beau does not depend on him in any way, not even the smallest of ways.

Okay, I'm going to be the hero I know I can be. I'm going to be strong and funny and do everything I can to cheer everyone up and then I'll come sit here and write about it like I'm doing now and I'll feel better.

We could use all of your prayers, positive thoughts, Reike, meditations, candles, and whatever else you think might help.

Love you even at the worst of times,