May 20th, 2007

Snow White by Peace_Icons

Snow White Got Divorced and Lived By The 405 Freeway

I have loved a lot of people in my life but if you don't count crushes I've had on teachers, directors, scene partners, and celebrities I will never meet, or people who only passed through my life for a moment, I've only really, really given my heart to three people who weren't related to me; My ex-best-friend Lorraine, my ex-husband Robby, and my lover and partner of so many years now, Scott.

All three of these important people have accused me at different times of having unrealistic expectations, expectations of them that were unfair because they were based on fairy tales and myths, or in our modern world, on television and the movies. I am beginning to think they were right, that these notions of how people should or could behave if they really love someone may really be totally and completely unrealistic, but it doesn't stop me from hoping, and it doesn't stop me from loving all of them in the same way that I want to be loved, despite everything they have done to hurt me, (And obviously the burden of hurt here is focused much more on the former two people rather than the latter), I think I will always love all of them because love for me doesn't come to an end. I may have to separate myself for the sake of my sanity and well being, but love, even love given in haste, once given, isn't something I can ever take back.

The trouble for me is that I am a romantic fantasist, and I can't help but notice when romantic love is flowing out for people all around me. Last Wednesday a plane flew over my neighborhood trailing a banner that said, "I love you! Happy Birthday Sara." I can't help wanting those grand gestures, or even the smaller ones that approximate the grand ones, because they come from the heart and take thought and time.

And then tonight there is this, words that flew from the mind of some amazing writer who works on Grey's Anatomy that made it seem as if this wonderful, stable, rock-solid, woman-loving, faithful, world-famous, heart surgeon named Preston Burke said them: "Christina, I could promise to hold you and to cherish you. I could promise to be there in sickness and in health. I could say, "Till death do us part," but I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples. The ones full of hope. And I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic, or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. And I know; I am a heart man, I take them apart and I put them back together. I hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this I am sure; You are my partner, my lover, my very best friend. My heart, MY heart beats for you, and on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this; I promise to lay my heart in the palm of your hands. I promise you, me." I melted when I heard this. I'm sure many women around the world who were watching the season finale of this show were melting as well, and of course forgetting all about the fact that this is an actor who was recently in trouble for fighting with another actor and saying some pretty unkind things. But I forget that because it is television, and television tells stories that are powerful and believable, even if they are unreal and unlikely to ever happen to me.

And now I'm left thinking that the people I love should be able to love me back in the same way, should be able to say things like this to me, and it's unfair because it isn't real. At least I don't think it is. But oh God do I wish it so. After a lifetime of waiting for my own personal fairy tale to come true, after staying up all night to watch The Wedding of the Century only to see it all fall apart so tragically only a few years later, I still believe in this possibility, this ridiculous unrealistic possibility of everlasting love.