March 29th, 2009

Bambi by Peace_Icons

Becoming Visible Again -- Updated Entry

Hi Everyone,

I've been waiting to find the right time to log back in, make everything visible again, say hello, and try to describe what a ride the last year of my life has been. I'm at my favorite run-away-from-it-all hotel, (The Malibu Beach Inn), because it's my birthday and coming here helps with the grief I still feel so strongly over the death of my Mom last April.

I cannot begin to understand how almost an entire year of life has gone by. I can still feel her hand as if I am still holding it, the shape of her fingers, the texture and color of the skin, her fingernails. I am left holding all of her life's posessions in my hands, things I would have wanted when she was alive, not now when she is gone. How and why does this happen? I'm always the one comforting everything else, but this time it's happening to me, and the hole ripped right out of the center of my chest is huge and so raggedy and painful. I know that in some psychic, spiritual sense she is with me. She comes to me in my dreams. And we've had experiences with birds and feathers, but these are lovely but subtle ephemeral thing and here I am on my birthday and for the first time in my life I cannot touch her or hear her voice. It's devastating.

Sometimes I think having your own children teaches you how to love your parents more. I'm not saying everyone has to have had this experience to love their dear parents but when you've suffered and worried and loved so passionately, so selflessly, for your own children, sacrificed so very much, you somehow begin to understand, love, accept, and perhaps forgive your own parents for anything you might once have held against them. There is no question, no question at all that I would die for my son, I would have done the same for my Mom, taken the cancer into my own body to spare her, if I could have.

I am really looking forward to sharing so much with you, but I need to clear this with my attorney, need to know how transparent I can be. I can tell you that after eight long months and several court hearings we finally settled with the man who had taken over as trustee and I have all of the rights that my Mother wanted me to have, back. I am now my ow trustee. But it took all of our cash to do, dear friends were willing to go to court and stand up for what was right and true, but luckily it didn't come to that. It took all of our money and energy and it's going to take a while to get back on our feet again.

It was worth every bit of misery and stress. So many people rallied to our aid. I had letters from, doctors, nurses, witnesses, friends and so much more. I was even forced to send my Mother's signature to a handwriting analyst and pay for it myself. Yet, somehow, with as many copies of her signature as I provided, and years and years of daily diaries, he wasn't able to make a committment either way, and well, like I said, I need to check with my attorney.

I miss my Mom more than I could ever have known. I dream about her every night and cry about her every day. But I am growing along the road through this process and there have been many miracles and gifts along the way.

The sound of the ocean is so healing and Scott got me a diamond dragonfly necklace, some vontage porcelain mermaids, and two beuatiful vintage cards. I don't expect anything else. I'm grateful. I disappeared myself so completely that I didn't, or couldn't, even return phone calls from some of my oldest friends. I realized last week that I haven't called or visited anyone outside of my very immediate circle in over a year. Obviously I've been very depressed...

I just wanted to say hello and tell you that I've missed you and missed this process. I'm so looking forward to being able to reclaim my life again.

Big Loving Hugs,