Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

I was cleaning out my old files today and found this old flame that I had saved. I don't know who wrote it, I wish I had. I used to love to hang out on alt.flame, it was just so much fun and a great way to exercise my creative writing muscles. I don't know if any of you have seen this or not but it's so funny that I wanted to copy it here for you.

The Ultimate Flame

How to Tell that Special Someone How You Feel

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic?
You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour
piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore
that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate,
noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise
everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid
chromosomally aberrent caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond
scum. and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm
deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a
weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly
with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this
world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the
puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in
recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species
as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very
thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you.
You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of
this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one.
Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be
available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its
beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly
briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble
blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite,
foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty
and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are
unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that
reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements
of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you
hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more
weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle,
waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease,
you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient
in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are
dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all
unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid.
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond
the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that
even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect
can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury
stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a
year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can
really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the
original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so
uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we
know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After
this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough
strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about
unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away
most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say

Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really,
stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly

Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and
count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that
many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of

But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world
who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your
case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right".
Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in
the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on


You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly,
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted,
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant,
deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial,
satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant,
clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking,
devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist,
dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling,
restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling,uncaring,
plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive,
socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

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