Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Beautiful City

I know I said goodnight but then I saw this and I've been thinking about New York a lot lately so I thought I'd post it. A friend went to visit the site of the disaster and took some pictures for me. I looked at them and cried. I feel so incomplete and unfinished about it. I know we have to move on, but I don't want to let go. I'm not ready. I cry whenever I see that promo on HBO for a documentary they are going to air about it.

I still can't get enough news about it, enough personal stories. I feel survivor's guilt for not having been there. I'm afraid to let go and move on. Afraid to pretend that everything's okay, and that nothing's changed, that we're still safe and living in the time before all of this happened, the way we used to be. I just don't understand how this one horrible horrible day could happen, and then nothing more really, at least nothing of the same scale.

I remember how afraid I was at Halloween. Beau reminded me the other day that I wouldn't let him go trick or treating by himself, on the block just behind ours. I was surprised that I had been so strict and then I remembered why. Then there was the bomb scare on our block, at my neighbor's house, so that brought it all pretty darn close to home. I remember the police saying that my house would probably absorb the blast, and there was nothing I could do. There wasn't time to rescue my cats, they just evacuated us, and we had to wait.

I also think about the other planes that went down, and the people whose lives were lost, but there is just something so horrible about the collapse of the Twin Towers that I can't let go of. It hurts so much, and I didn't lose a single person I knew. I can't imagine how much more painful it must be for the people who were more closely affected.

I feel so much, so much sadness, and so much love. I wonder how other people are feeling.

Okay goodnight for real this time : )


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