Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

Oh yeay I finally found the missing cord for my camera so I can charge it up and share some pictures with you. I still owe you a picture of the spider and some other things. I can't remember what they were.

My vet has come with her mobile vet hospital and is looking at a couple of my cats. She's going to take Myanmar to the hospital and we're going to try to save her but I don't think she's going to bounce back this time. Every morning when I get up I think that she will be dead and am surprised that she's lived another night. We have her on antibiotics, appetite stimulants, subcutaneous fluids, antacids. There isn't anything more that we can do for her here. I was ready to put her to sleep this morning when Valerie (Dr. Talleyrand, love this woman) came, but she doesn't want to give up on her and that's music to my weary ears. She thinks we should at least try putting her on an IV and warming her up. She wants to check her blood and urine again and see if we can get her back up again and then see if we can do a dental. I don't think she'll ever get well enough for that.

I'm feeling pretty numb about the whole thing right not so please don't worry. I am getting very used to my older cat friends dying. I'm sad of course, and I was crying last night, but over the course of these last few years I've developed a thicker more protective skin.

I was thinking about older people, like my parents, and how they always seemed so immune feeling-wise to the kinds of things that would just tear me up and leave me in tears. I never understood why my Mother got so angry with me when I took her to see a sad Australian movie that I loved. Afterwards she was livid and really told me off for taking her to see it. "How could you take me to something so sad? I like happy films, musicals, comedies, things that make me feel good, not horrible depressing miserable movies where everyone dies in the end!" I was so hurt at the time and judged her for being so self protective and closed minded. Of course it was totally unreasonable of her to get mad at me. I was just a kid, I didn't know the movie was about the Boer War. I wouldn't have know what the Boer War was anyway. But now looking back I am beginning to understand her kind of toughness and her not wanting to experience anything sad. Life is sad enough, and I think once you've experienced enough of it, the hurting becomes less acute and you develop a sort of calloused emotional shield. I think you have to in order to survive. Either that or these antidepressants are really doing their job.

I've finally decided what to put on my Father's grave, a personal epitaph for him and then this beautiful poem that you've probably read a million times;

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumns rain.

When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Text by Mary Frye
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