Okay so here comes a big, whiney, ranty thing, so surf on outta here if you don't dig me, when I'm feeling blechy.
I'm in a bad mood. I know that when you judge and point your finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at you. But I'm just really sick and tired of these fucking kids, and the inept handling of things by my housekeepers and myself, the lazy, selfish, childlike, (well how else would he be), attitude of Beau, and my bratty immature Mother, the intrusive greed of my not-aunt J., the thoroughly cruel, insensitive, ruthlessness of L., who for all I know had or is having her baby right this second, and the addict behavior, and defensive selfishness of S.
I love all of these people but I don't seem to be able to take care of my own needs or any of theirs, to my satisfaction. It's summer, a time I look forward to all year long, and I'm moping around in this lethargic depression today. Things I need to do seem monumentally hard, when they are just simple errands and chores, that other people manage to do so easily.
My friend Susan invited us to go stay with her at her cabin on Whidbey Island, Washington, and I would love to. But she left and I don't know how to reach her. Also I have this guilty, frightened, feeling of attached responsibility to my mother and S. I feel like neither one of them would be happy if I went away and enjoyed a vacation, somewhere I've never been before. With mother, she resents or feels threatened whenever I go anywhere she isn't somehow included in. And at my age it's amazing to me to admit that I've hardly ever gone anywhere on my own. I'm always with a parent or a spouse. I'm also trapped by my own lies, saying I'm attending school this summer when I'm not means I couldn't just get up and go wherever I like for a long as I like or she'd wonder how I manage to attend class while I'm not here. So of course the whole thing feels crappy and childlike in a way, and I have no one to blame but myself.
As far as S. is concerned, we've been fighting a lot lately, and while I love him deeply and think he is such an amazing being, some of his more entrenched traits are driving me up a wall. Since we haven't had a lot of one on one time lately, and he tends to get really negative and defeatist when left alone for any period of time, my wanting to go away again so soon after coming back from Palm Springs (which doesn't count as far as I'm concerned because it was basically for everyone else), feels as if it might be threatening to our relationship. So it makes me feel angry and stuck.
Then there's the fact that I have loaded my house up with animals and things, and put people in charge who can't really handle it and bring all of their own baggage. I have to return this rental car, pick up my own car, pay both of those bills in a sketchy, charge it my mother fashion, because that's how we do money. (If I ask directly, even for something she's told me I can do, it's never easy, I get lectured and berated. Whereas if I charge whatever it is, it gets paid and I don't have to go through the struggle. But then at some point when the bill comes I get one lecture instead of thirty individual lectures all along the way.)
I still have to mail out more eBay payments, thank God I stopped shopping. I need to make doctor's appointments, call the vet, organize so much stuff, take the dogs for walks, get my Antioch stuff together for the fall, exercise, go to the dentist before all my teeth rot out, get Beau to the dentist, get his hair cut, find someone who can help me with my hair plans for BM, call a plumber, weed out the herb garden, keep trying to learn how to get my own fucking website up and running, make a list of all of the names I've registered so they don't laps and get snapped up, pay my bills, and take a great big giant gong and bang it for about fifty hours just for the hell of it because I'm pissed. Oh and track down the asshole who's been murdering cats in Hawthorne and kick him so hard in the balls he'll never be able to bear any children as sick and twisted as he is.
Well, I told you guys I was in a bad mood : (
Today Friday is supposed to be the housekeeper changing of the guard. Esther is supposed to come and replace Coco. I was so looking forward to it. After ten solid days of these kids in Palm Springs I needed a break and so did Beau. So did the cats and the house. When Coco takes her gang and goes over to her friends place, we all get a nice break from the yelling and fighting and messing everything up. I get a break from people barging into my office while I'm in the middle of a call, or into my bathroom when I'm on the toilet or in the shower. For at least a couple of days I know that nothing will break or get really sticky and my son won't get in trouble and I wont have to hear anyone crying and possibly the house will get cleaned. But then again Esther's lack of motivation to clean is a whole other story. But at least we'd get a break from some of the stress.
Okay, so people pleasing, Catholic schoolgirl (in a close to forty year old body) that I am, I find myself incapable of asserting myself with these guys, without having to really suck it in and gear myself up for it because I feel so guilty if I'm not behaving as saintly as possible at all times. But I am so incredibly sick of this bass stereo booming through the walls of my office with this fucking Banda music. I thought I'd found a great solution when I went out and bought a CD player for Celene so I wouldn't have to listen to this shit, but of course here we are again. Boom boom, ka-boom boom, boom boom, ka-boom boom. I can't explain it but the monotonous repetitive vibration of it makes me want to be sick, and I can't stand the me who is always wanting everyone to stop enjoying music so I can have quiet. It seems so grouchy old-ladyish and unfair of me. Plus I simply get tired of having to ask.
I was planning on being super assertive with Coco and reminding her to get the hell out of here, and that there was no way I should be paying her salary on the weekends, when I don't even want her here, and am feeding four additional people if they stay. But Esther didn't show up and hasn't called, so what can I do? Believe me I know this is all my own fault and my doing. It only makes it harder to know that.
I also know that with a little faith and surrender things always work out for the best. They really do.
I think that's why Burning Man was so amazing to me. Because I can get away from how I feel about myself here, and can become whoever I want to be there. It was such a big deal for me to rent a motor home and drive it myself, and travel for what felt like a very long ways away. I love to travel and explore. I love new places and people and things. It makes me so happy to have new experiences. And I think away from my familiar surroundings I begin to feel like my real self, and this circumstantial depression lifts. Never mind that Burning Man is this amazing kaleidoscopic, cornucopia of freedom, color and wild beauty, and that it feels like home to me.
With regard to my "friend" L., who recently blew in and out of my life again, because I obviously wasn't what she was needing, wanting, or looking for; I am heartbroken. What a shmo I am for just automatically assuming that just because I loved her like sister for all these years, that she ever felt the same way for me. Why didn't I listen to my instinct instead of my hopeful heart? I am so sick and tired of hurting over her. How could I have been so stupid, naive and vulnerable? And how can I not hurt and think about it, feeling as I do, that she judged me as being not good enough to waste any further energy on. Looking back through our correspondence I can easily see that I am the one pouring out my heart and sharing in depth, and all of her letters are brief, curt, promising to respond in depth at some later time, and never doing so. Because when she decided to come back into my life, asking me to forgive her for all the times she had hurt me and stolen from me, I happened to be in a bad place and wasn't able to be as social as she suddenly wrote me off in an email without a second chance.
But looking through these letters I think, how could she have possibly had so little understanding and empathy? Didn't she know this state of being is just temporary and that underneath I am a good and loyal friend? She who had been the worst friend I ever had, in terms of keeping dates or being supportive through all of the traditional parties and things that go along with weddings and childbirth. To say nothing of the countless times she stood me up through the years, or couldn't commit to anything because something better might come along. Or the fact that she was extremely closed with her friends, and never helped build any bridges between us, in fact did the opposite, while I shared all of mine. How can I feel this long love and misplaced loyalty to someone who obviously doesn't share the same depth of feeling and loyalty to me? Someone who talks about me behind my back and doesn't have faith or patience. someone who doesn't really see me or value me. It feels like I have a lifetime of sorrow attached to my memory of our friendship. How could I have set myself up so completely for this abandonment? And why would I even want a friendship with someone like this?
Of course the worst part of it, the most poignant and hurting part, is that I was so thrilled she was having a baby. Having had her there at my son's birth, and asking her to be my son's godmother, made everything feel like it had come full circle. Here I was kissing her belly and collecting all kinds of wonderful antique children's toys, and vintage postcards of Venice, where she had lived and spent her honeymoon, and she was probably thinking, "I don't really want to deal with this fat, loser, nutcase, who doesn't have anything socially advantageous to offer me, who expects me to be able to share my life with her, when it feels way too threatening to do so. Eeeeeewww, forget it, yuck."
Here are the last few sentences of her swift dismissal via email,
"I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're wonderful in many ways.
I just don't have a good feeling about this. It takes so much psychic
energy and it shouldn't. I'm sorry that I can't be the friend you want from
I swear I am heartbroken. I've been through this way too many times for one incarnation. I feel like once more, someone important to me has reached inside me, ripped out my heart and played with it, only to end up tossing it out a passing window, alongside the road somewhere. Leaving me to try to pick it up, dust it off, and try to put it back again. I am getting so unbelievably sick and tired of being hurt by the people I love. My heart is this mass of scar tissue, from my birth parents, to my adoptive parents, to L., to Robby, to the fruitless, wrenching contact with my heartless Birth-Sister and my Birth-Mother, to Robby, to L., and back again, and everyone else in between. Why do I have such crappy luck with the people I love the most? I must have done something very wrong in a past life or fifty, and am in serious need of soul schooling.
Beau just brought a bowl of this really neat pasta that he wanted me to buy for him to make. It looks like little tiny balls of pasta. I love him so much, he is the joy of my life. Why should I have to feel guilty for saying that? As if in saying that, S. would think, what about me?
I'm having such a hard time being with and communicating with him right now. Sometimes I am so so happy when we are together, and I swear I love him so much, but he is so often negative and depressed, and he won't hear my feelings without being extremely defensive. What's worse is that when we fight, he becomes entrenched, and remembers things in these bizarre self protective ways, that do not reflect my recollection of things at all. It's really hard to tell him when something he has done has hurt me. You simply cannot argue with a man like him.
For one thing, he's a Gemini, and if you know anything about Gemini's they are maddeningly facile at communication and incredibly defensive. So trying to debate them on anything means you are in for a lose-lose kind of deal. They're just way too slippery for that. If you gain any ground they quickly shift the discussion into another even foggier area, until you are so turned around and confused, you just can't hang on anymore.
When it comes to working things out emotionally, I am doggedly tenacious. My feeling about this is, that if I can't get heard, well then I'm pretty sure no one can. He is really invested in being a great person, so even if you do manage to get him to see that something he did was hurtful or insensitive, you lose anyway, because then he swings wildly in the opposite direction, feels like hell about himself, gets depressed about it, starts to swing back and ends up resenting and blaming you, and looks for ways to strike back verbally. What's worse and makes me even crazier, is that I am not supposed to notice that this is how it's always been for us. That this is a pattern isn't supposed to mean anything. I'm not supposed to point it out or bring it up because I have no right to assume anything about him.
Who am I to feel like he'll never change, and get defeated? Keep that shit to yourself Miss Jacqui. If he says he loves children but seems to climb the walls when he's around them, don't notice, if he says he isn't allergic to and loves cats, when you have thirty, he's never had one, and he gets completely clogged up, his eyes water, he hacks and wheezes whenever he comes over, and has never had a single pet in all the time you've known him, (or for the dozen or so years before), except for the fish you forced him to have, ignore that, it means nothing. If he smokes pot a lot, but you don't. If he has proudly stated that he is moving towards becoming a vegetarian to other people in front of you, but eats enough flesh for two, and just the thought of it makes you sick to your heart, forget it. If he says he wants to be closer and wants to spend more time with you, but when you try to do this, he pulls back and acts ambivalent, don't notice. If he wants you to be voraciously sexual but the majority of the time when you try to initiate anything, you get rebuffed, forget it and keep trying. It's just such a big huge painful waste of spirit, arguing with him. So I often give up and go for stasis, (because hell I'd rather be with him than without him), but then I don't feel like being as close or intimate, and he senses it, so it doesn't work. Argh, why can't life be easier?????? WHY!?!?
When you order vanilla cake, chances are very good that what will arrive will be chocolate, and vice versa. So should you just go ahead and eat the cake the way it is, or complain and fight for the cake you want, and not eat any cake until it arrives? This was today's metaphor. We ate the cake, and complained, and asked for another, and here it is, and Beau is finally happy. But I'm sick to my stomach. *Big, Huge, Risk Taking Sigh*