Om Mani Padme Om
How ya been? We saw The Clumps last night. I thought it was really funny, but of course as an actor I admired Eddie Murphy's character work and was wishing I had the same opportunity somehow.
I had to ask Coco to give us a week off from her kids here. It's just so stressful. It's been over two months now. Although that seems so weird and hard to believe. Maybe it hasn't been. I don't remember exactly. I just know that I've given, and given, and given, and they keep taking more and more, and don't appreciate what I do give. I've paid for all of their food, their clothing, their entertainment, taken them out to restaurants, to the movies, on a trip I couldn't afford, to museums, bought videos, and toys, and everything I did for my son, I made sure I did for them as well, so there wouldn't be any jealousy or hurt feelings. Meanwhile they have broken some things I cared about and denied any responsibility, fought constantly, stressed us all out, taught Beau all kinds of bad language in Spanish, and rung up my phone bill. Celene the teenage daughter does little more than talk to boyfriends all day long. I feel like her secretary. She sits in her room using my yarn and art supplies making pretty little things while she blares her music and chats away, meanwhile the kids are running wildly around the house making the cats scurry for shelter and the dogs bark like crazy. Coco can hardly keep up and no matter how often we ask Celene and her mother act like she is this special princess who shouldn't be bothered with the menial task of helping care for her brother and sister. Well, unless it involves hitting them or making them kneel on the wood floor for long periods of time. Incado is what they call it.
It doesn't really matter how much I ask for Celene's help or involvement. Coco won't back me. When we got back from Palm Springs we had a mountain of things to being in from the car, food luggage, toys, etc., and while everyone brought in load after load Celene and Edgar went up to their room and played around. When Esther saw that her son was doing all of the work, she asked Coco to ask her kids to pitch in and Coco just blew her off so Esther marched up to their room and told them to help. Edgar, bratty, little, chicken-killing monster that he is, started whining and acting really awful, and saying, "No! No!! No!!!" So Esther just grabbed them and made them. That's what it takes. Forget any reciprocity here. I'm just being used.
Coco talks about me behind my back to Esther, our friend. (Just to remind you, Esther has been working for us for seven years. She works on the weekends because she doesn't want to work full time. Coco is her scary, landlady's sister, who works for us during the week. We have ten billion animals, and I'm an actor/artist. My hours are very unpredictable, and the kitties are a bundle of work, which makes full time help a necessity.) She lies constantly. She tells me one thing and it's always another.
One example that immediately comes to mind, was the time she told us how sad she was about her Lion King watch breaking. She told us how much she loved this watch, and how special it was to her. So right away I went to a watch store and hunted down a very similar Lion King watch, as a surprise gift. But she seemed disappointed. Then about a week later, she comes back with this unbelievably gaudy, heavy-gold, chunky, nightmare of a watch. I mean you couldn't fuse or weld one more chunk of gold onto it if you tried. She said her sister had given it to her. Then later I find out that the Lion King watch was just something she found and that she bought the gold watch herself for seven hundred dollars. I mean why lie to me about that? It's her money, if she wants to throw it away on weird, ugly, gold watches, that's her business. I guess it just doesn't make as good of a story that way. How can you beg your employer to find two thousand dollars for your children, when you just blew seven hundred on a watch, and then another three hundred on bracelets? God!!!
Her priorities are totally out of whack. Her main preoccupation is with looking "hot" and screwing as many younger guys as she can get her hands on. From what I understand she's a serious drunk when she's away from here. I know this isn't my business but it's hard to miss when these guys are calling here and barking out her name to me on the phone in terse demanding tones. I can't exactly not notice that she's about fifty-something, when she says she's thirty, and that she wears her seven year old daughter's skirt with her underwear showing from the back, when she leaves for her weekend fun. I guess it wouldn't matter if I didn't care, but that's just so typical for an ACA kid like me. Always making friends with the addicts and the alcoholics. Always bailing them out of trouble, hoping they'll change. Plus there's always the fact that when I was trying to put my own brief drug use behind me permanently, she said things like, "What you need is just a little bit of %^$#, that'll give you some energy." Not exactly a loving thing to do.
The people she is associating with are sketchy and scary. I don't like having a connection to them through her. I have had enough experience with gang members for one lifetime, and the last thing I want is for my home to be a target because some time when I'm not around, she's given them a tour. The other morning while I was sleeping she invited her friends in. She is planning on living with these gals. None of them have partners, and they all have children. The oldest has five, and Celene's two seventeen year old friends, have three children between them. The grandmother, Coco's beloved friend, Dona Ramona, is caring for an additional four or five children, who her own children have left with her. One of them is a four month old infant boy, whose Mother, Ramona's daughter, abandoned him for not being female. Is that heartbreaking enough for you? Right now all of these children are living in a garage because the housing projects are being remodeled. Can you imagine how much my Joan of Arc heart, wants to get in there and rescue all of these people and resolve all of their crises, while totally abandoning my own. I think it's high time I get myself to an Alanon meeting here.
I mean I know that Coco could find a day job. She could put her kids in a single apartment that she could afford and then she could come home at night and be with them. But she wants to be able to party and wants to leave her kids with her friend Elida, Ramona's daughter, who does all the child caretaking. Then she can stay on here, gathering what goodies she can from me, while betraying me behind my back. Now I finally understand why her sister threw her out and refuses to speak with her.
God I hate passive aggressive people. I lived with one for so many years and I swear to you, I hate it with every raw nerve fiber of my being. I would so much rather be in relationship with a difficult angry pain in the ass person who is direct, than someone who smiles and makes nice, while quietly seething inside. Yuck. Argh!
If she tells me that she loves my cats, and thinks I should keep all of the kittens, she'll turn around and tell Esther that she can't believe I would even consider it. If she tells me that she's mad that Esther left the air conditioning on all night, when we were out of town, and the cats are sneezing, when I didn't even notice, she'll turn around and tell Esther I was furious about it. She's scary in that way. A complete pathological liar, with weird, borderline personality traits. And before you guys say, well, then what the hell is she doing in your household, remember I'm a guilt-ridden, Buddha loving, Catholic girl person, who won't find it easy to kick a skinny, downtrodden, single mother of three, out onto the streets.
I am completely drained financially. I'm literally worried about how we are going to afford marketing, because the cupboards are bare, and I won't have any income until next Wednesday. I charged so much on the credit cards, that my mother cut them off again, (my own fault, hell all of this is), so now I don't know how I am going to pay the pet store, and vet bills, and the $500.00 phone bill. Their constant phone usage has driven it up three hundred dollars more than usual.
For the first time in my life, well if I don't count pregnancy, I have high blood pressure. I need to exercise and cut back on fats, and eat more healthily, and stretch and meditate and all the rest of it. But screaming, fighting, hitting, breaking, loud bass playing, fuck, fuck, fuck this and that, rap blaring, swearing, uncontained, wild, rude children are not conducive to these things. I'm hardly going to meditate in the jewel in the lotus when someone is smacking someone else on the head with a broom just outside my bedroom door. I think you get what I mean here.
Of course I feel guilty. That's just my personality style. But I wish I had a sense that they understand that I have done everything I could possibly have done and more, and that they appreciate it just the littlest bit. No, they don't even have to appreciate it, I just can't stand that in the end, when they've totally worn out their welcome, it would be nice if they went away liking rather than resenting me. But I know that's often the way it goes. I mean I'm sure you've all loaned someone money, or something that was dear to you, only to lose a friendship when you tried to get it back. My ex is still pissed off about ten dollars he loaned to a friend of mine, over twelve years ago. Human nature can be so...well, shitty.
Ah here come the Sunday papers. I get the LA and the New York Times. Now I have to make myself go read them. I can't take the sad parts, mostly I like the travel, arts, and book sections.
Well, if you got this far, I truly love you for it! And how are you doing my angel journal friends?
All my love, and atypical depression, with mild, bipolar, personality disorder,
Well, that's my diagnosis, tomorrow I'll come up with another,
I dream that someday I'll be able to be as loving as the loweliest of Jains.
"Lord Mahavir preached the gospel of universal love, emphasizing that all living beings, irrespective of their size, shape, and form how spiritually developed or under-developed, are equal and we should love and respect them
At the heart of right conduct for Jains lie the five great vows:
Nonviolence (Ahimsa) not to cause harm to any living beings
Truthfulness (Satya) to speak the harmless truth only
Non-stealing (Asteya)not to take anything not properly given
Chastity (Brahmacharya) not to indulge in sensual pleasure
(Okay so this one's a problem for me philosophically.)
Non-possession/Non-attachment (Aparigraha) complete detachment from people, places, and material things.
Jains hold these vows at the center of their lives. The monks and nuns follow these vows strictly and totally, while laypeople try to follow the vows as far as their life styles will permit."