As I sit here writing to you the phone keeps ringing. My Mother is calling me again and again to make certain I have taken care of everything before we leave. The will that I already had notarized and gave to her to give to her attourney has of course been lost and now I have to rush out and do it all over again. May I please say, Fuck, here? Fuck!!!
I feel so ridiculous because I really truly do love my Mother, but despite her having been extremely generous to me, in her own controlling mind tripping nightmarish way, she drives me insane! Crazy, crying, off the walls, insane. Here I am crying one minute, because I might lose her, and then the next minute I'm freaking out because she is being such a monster. Plus do you have any idea how insane it is to have to plan for your death every time you are about to go on a vacation? A VACATION mind you??? I mean if we're all going to die then, hey, let's not go. How about that? We'll all just stay here and then we won't have to worry about who gets the money when our plane erupts in a ball of fire somewhere over the Pacific Ocean.
This is about the fifth time she's called. I don't even answer the phone with a hello, I just say, "What Mom?" and of course it's her. She always calls back. This time it's to be certain I've made out my will precisely the way she wants me to, and she asks me if I'm certain I'd like to leave it "all" to Scott rather than to some charity. I want to rip out her eyes for this. OF COURSE I WANT TO LEAVE IT TO SCOTT!!! HE'S MY FUCKING LOVER, YOU FUCKING MORON!!!!!!!!!! So, deep breath in, cleansing breath out, I can't say anything remotely like this to her, 1.) because she's my Mother and she's elderly, and 2.) despite the fact that she flips violently and frequently between a dominating fire breathing lion dragon persona, and a delicate helpless little bleating lamb, she also has CANCER, God Damnit!
Me: Mom, I told you, I am going to leave whatever little I have personally to my partner, Scott. (Remember him? Hello??)
Mother: Oh all right then if you think that's wise, I'll just call Peter then and make sure he knows that you want to leave "everything" of yours to Scott rather than to charity as I will, and I'll tell him about the XXXXXXXXXX dollars I'm leaving to Beau.
Me: What XXXXXXXXX dollars are you leaving to Beau???
Mother: Oh, well, if I die, I've decided to give Beau XXXXXXXXXX dollars outright when he turns twenty-five.
She has all of my inheritance from my Father and my Grandmother tied up forever in trusts and things. I will never touch one dime of the principle, all I will ever see is interest and then she tells me she's changed her will to leave this enormous amount of money outright to my twelve year old son? How can she tell that at twenty-five, he is going to be so much more responsible than I am now. What magical insightful force tells her that he can handle this when she clearly believes that I can't?
We don't know what he'll be like then. He could be having problems, and throwing huge amounts of money at him might be a super screwy thing to do. I want him to have it, I don't care that it comes out of my inheritance. What I do care about is that I am being completely cut out of the loop when it comes to me own child. I care that it could totally screw up his life. I don't want him living the way I have had to live all of my life, waiting for this damned money. I want him to go to school and have a career and a life without waiting, always waiting, for this imaginary money to come in. Then if everything is okay, if he's in good shape, a sensible being who can handle it, then I would definitely let him have it. I'm too screwy and irresponsible to handle my own money because I'm fat, I hang around with people she disapproves of, and I dye my hair weird colors, but Beau is somehow going to be able to handle an amount so large I can't even write it here, without worrying, unhunh that makes sense.
Me: Wait a second Mother we need to discuss this, I have to be made trustee of this, I need to have some say. We don't know what he'll be like at twenty-five, he may be having drug problems.
Mother: Well that's too bad because it's already been done.
Me: Mom, how can you do this without even discussing it with me. Don't you care how I feel about this?
Mother: No! He's my grandson and I'm going to do whatever I please.
Me: So you don't give a shit how I feel about this?
Mother: No I don't, I've already made my decision and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it. You'll have plenty of money, don't be greedy, now let's change the subject.
Me: I'm not being greedy, give him anything you like, that's not the issue. I'm just trying to think ahead, we don't know what he'll be going through. I'd like to have some say in when and how things happen in my son's life. I want to be sure he uses it to get through college first and doesn't blow it all on something scary. Handing him this much money outright could be a problem.
Mother: So what, it's already been done, and I can do what I like. *Click*
Does anyone out there understand how crazy making all of this is? Honestly I'm just going to take a shower right now and wash it all away. There really isn't anything I can do about it right now anyway. I just have to love my son and my partner and have faith and be grateful. What else can I do? It just doesn't exactly inure me to the idea of spending three weeks in Hawaii with her. Great that she wants to leave money to us and take care of us, not great that she is so insulting and controlling in the way she does it. but hey, that should come as no surprise, I've been living with this my whole life.