Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

Dropping Mom Off at the Hospital the Night Before Her Lung Cancer Surgery

Okay well, I helped my Mom get ready for the hospital and took her and settled her in. Her surgery is at seven thirty tomorrow morning. Rosa made a big scene when we left, lots of tears that Beau thought were fake. Mom thinks she's just worried about losing her job if anything happens to her. I thought she seemed really sad and worried but I'm such a sucker so who knows. Mom kept saying upsetting things like, "Don't worry, I've had a fabulous life, I can't think of a better way to die. If I go I'll go in my sleep and that would be better than sliding off in to some ravine somewhere and having no one one know I was down there for days and days." Cheery talk like that.

We had dinner at Palomino. Beau went with us. His bangs were hanging down in his face, his arms are covered with black and green writing, and he spent most of the time buried in his Game Boy. Mom ate too much and then had stomach cramps in the car on the way to the hospital. She made me take her to the emergency room entrance because she felt so sick she thought she was going to throw up. We got her a wheelchair and I pushed her up to admitting where we got her to the bathroom and she felt better. We filled out forms and listened to her complain about how long it was all taking. Then a nurse came and got us and we wheeled her upstairs.

When we got to her room I kind of had to run interference for her, the nurses don't like having to say things over and over again, so they would say them once or twice and then I would shout them more clearly to her. I unpacked her bag and then ran back and forth to the nurses station with requests from her. She wanted a sleeping pill. How does she move the arms on the bed up and down? Has the doctor bothered to read any of the forms she's had to fill out? Where is the doctor? Why haven't they given her the sleeping pill yet. How does she turn off the lights? She wanted to know if her eyebrows looked bad. She had just had them dyed and she thought she looked like Groucho Marx. They were fine. Her stomach is upset can she have Immodium? She's going to take it anyway. What about her blood pressure, that's too high, does her doctor know how high it is? Shouldn't she take another blood pressure pill? Can she have another blood pressure pill? On and on. Then Jay Leno was coming on, she likes Jay Leno who she calls Leeno. It was eleven-thirty and Beau was leaning over he was so tired so we finally left.

Her surgery is at seven-thirty am so I won't really know anything until about ten-thirty if then. The doctor said she'll be in the ICU around twelve and heavily sedated. If all goes well she'll probably be there for a few days and then maybe she can go back to a regular room. We don't know what will happen then. Chemo? Radiation therapy?

Maybe I'm focusing on how naughty and demanding she is so I won't have to look at my fear of losing her. Maybe she's being naughty and demanding so she won't have to look at her fear of dying. On the second set of forms I filled out tonight there was a question asking her what she is the most concerned about her surgery. She said she was worried about her age and she was worried that the cancer has spread. I don't know how this happened? I don't understand how it snuck up on us so fast. I'm scared and sad and I feel so helpless. I want to pray but I'm confused about praying. All I can say to God is that I hope whatever he or she wants to have happen will happen. It doesn't make sense to ask for the outcome to be different than it is meant to be, and it seems stupid to pray for God's will because if it is God's will well, then won't that happen without my having to pray for it? Doesn't praying for it kind of make me seem like I don't have enough faith. Is prayer all about asking for a little extra attention from an overworked God? Hey, God, look over here, can you just spare my Mom for me please?

It wasn't as hard for me to ask you for help with my cats. I don't really know why. But, will you guys send some prayers, light, love, energy and healing our way please?
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