Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

I'm up late watching Terms of Endearment while I pay off eBay auctions. I love this movie, but I hate it too because it hurts so much to watch it. Not in the same way that it hurts to watch say Sophie's Choice, but it hurts. Maybe more. There's so much ordinary pathos and it all feels so real to me. I think because it reminds me so much of my life, being married to a selfish, immature, man who cheats, but loving him so much that you just can't let go, having an affair myself, trying to juggle both relationships at the same time and a home and a child, and having a dominating, opinionated, complicated, ambivalent mother who is messed up about sex and obsessed with her age, her looks, and being proper. And this cast, oh man does it get any better? I wish Shirley Maclaine and Debra Winger would work more, they're so amazing, and Jack Nicholson and John Lithgow, well, wow. I keep wanting to turn it off because it just keeps hurting worse and worse, big heavy sigh. The scene where Shirley Maclaine screams at the nurses, "Give my daughter the shot. She's in pain. She only had to hold out until ten. Give my daughter the shot. Give my daughter the shot!!!!!!!! And then Jack Nicholson shows up. Makes me cry every time.

I spent a long time at the hospital with my Mom today. She was able to sit up, which was amazing, but they have her on so much morphine for the pain that she's kind of out of it. I think she's doing so well considering they just cut out a third of her lung yesterday, (was it just yesterday?), but I'm worried about how she'll feel, how she'll be able to breathe, when she comes off the pain medications. I keep thanking God for letting her survive the operation. I'm just going to have to hang in there with her until Thursday when we'll learn whether the cancer has spread.

It's such a weird creeping process, cancer, the way you learn about it, face it, cut it out, deal with it, fight it, do battle with it. My friend Mary said that a doctor described it as being like a fire in your house. It helped a lot to talk to her, I've been so busy taking care of my mom, talking to her friends, running my own life on the side, that I forgot that I need some support. Oh and oh God I have to get up and deal with my Aunt Jani tomorrow, the woman who always treats me like the black sheep Fuck-up daughter my Mother must describe me to people as being. When I spoke on the phone to Jani yesterday she said, "Well, your Mother has led such a charmed life, she had fabulous parents, a fabulous career, a great husband and uh yeah she's been really lucky." Hmmm, something was missing in that, now what was it, oh yeah, she has a really loving daughter who never left her, who stuck by her no matter what.

At my dad's funeral I got stuck for a ride home with her and she spent most of the time talking about how actors are all very skinny, short, and with such big heads. No matter what I do, short of losing ten billion pounds, becoming wildly famous, having a fabulously decorated house, and marrying a CEO of some amazing company, will win her respect and approval. I'll always be the little girl who spilled grape juice on her plush white carpet. I feel like for all the years that she's known me, she wished she could trade places with me so she could run my life better than she thinks I do, so she could have my mom for a mother and have the privileged life she feels I've led. OMG I can't believe it's three, that's it, I'm done, I'll just blow my nose from crying here because Debra Winger just said goodbye to her boys and died, and go to bed. Let's hope my cats will let me. Jake is pissed off at Lucilla and keeps smacking her for some reason.

Life, hunh?

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