Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Beau and His Dad, My New Car, and a Box Cutter is Like a Razor Blade on a Stick

Things went really well today, which to someone like me, a person who has been disappointed and hurt a lot, seems suspicious and strange. Now that I've written this I feel like taking it back, because as much as things have been painful or disappointing in my life, they've also been miraculous and filled with love. I consider myself to be a pretty lucky person and I'm always grateful. It's the gratitude for everything that makes life so wonderful. Gratitude'll get you through anything. When I'm sad or depressed I can always find things to be grateful for. I can be happy and grateful for snails, grass, twigs, or the big black ravens that I see around my neighborhood. I don't care what anyone writes about them, I look at them and feel so much love. I just want to pick one up and cuddle it. There is so much to be grateful for, but today, (despite this flu/cold that has kept me sick in bed for a few days now), was a pretty good day, and I don't have to look around me to find things to be grateful for.

Beau's father, my ex, who rarely does anything much for Beau, and who had hurt his feelings by giving him an old pair of fencing shoes, when Beau asked him to buy him some for his gym class, gave him a new fencing glove and a big trophy that he won in 1999. This made Beau really happy which in turn made me mother's heart soar. Beau is so happy with the slightest amount of care or attention from him, so I'm overjoyed when his Dad is behaving more dad-like with him. So that was the first super good thing that happened today, and then I got a new car, (Ford Expedition, Eddie Bauer model, 4x4, black with tan interior), so that makes two great things.

It's so weird about the car. My Mom can be very generous but she always makes it so hard. It can never be as easy as, okay, let's just do this, no problem. We have to struggle if we are every going to spend money. It's like paying penance or something like that. It makes me feel sorry for her. She has so much shame and guilt around spending money and yet she'll just go out and blow thousands on designer clothes. I'm glad that I'm not struggling with this as much as I used to, now that I know it's a game, I'm not as worried when she pulls out on a commitment or a promise. I just know I have to hang in there until she flips back again. It's a power game thing.

I also stuck myself with a box cutter. The timing of it was just comic. I picked up the box cutter and said, "Andrea, these things are dangerous, I'll have to be very careful when we use it", and then I just went ahead and jabbed the blade into the top of my hand near my thumb. Then, as if this were some kind of Saturday Night Live skit, blood started gushing out. I'm telling you, it was so funny, it was entertaining. I was just sitting there stunned at how dumb I was and how much blood was pouring out, plus, well, blood is such a pretty color, it always fascinates me.

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