Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

My Pal Seymour Butts

I forgot to mention that I was browsing through my TV choices last night and stumbled across a dating show that was on in place of a movie that had been scheduled for that time slot. Being a big fan of reality TV I thought I'd give it a go. There was this handsome man talking with his mother about how hard it was for him to find a woman to have a serious relationship with. He seemed so nice. He had a little boy who lived with him. He was friendly and close to his Mother. He seemed really smart, had a successful business of some kind, and was kind. What more could a gal want?

They showed him going out on a date. He was nervous, asked his Mom for advice on his clothes, and wore the jacket she picked out. He goes in to this bar and there is this beautiful woman sitting there waiting for him. They order drinks and we hear his voice over saying that he's dreading the big question. What big question?

"So I hear you're ummm, in the entertainment industry? What do you do?"
"Well, I'm a director and a producer in the... adult entertainment industry." The girl looks thrown, tries to keep her frozen face from falling, forces a smile. "Unhunh, ummm, and are you in any of these movies you make?"
"Well, yeah, I do the whole thing."
"Oh, and would I have seen any of these movies in my, uh, local video store?"
"Yeah definitely. There'd be a whole section of them."
"What are they called?"
"Seymour Butts. I'm Seymour Butts."

They go for a drive and he takes a call on his cell. There's an emergency in the editing suite.
"This cum shot just isn't working."
"Can't you handle it or wait for me? I'm coming in in the morning."
"No I have to ship these out first thing!"
"But I'm on a date here..."
The blonde interrupts with an, "I don't mind. If it's an emergency then you should go in."
"You don't mind? Okay, terrific, great."

He takes her to his studio and they go to the editing booth where some very aggressive, hard-core porn is playing. She's never seen an X-rated video, poor little sheltered thing. The camera cuts from the porn, to her startled face, jaw dropped, hand fluttering to her mouth, and back to the porn.

"Ummm could I use your restroom?"

The date crashes and burns. Poor Seymour Butts. Don't tell Scott but if I thought I was up to his beauty standards I wouldn't throw him out of bed. Okay, well, I don't know, but he'd have to be a pretty amazing lover, and there certainly wouldn't be any shortage of dinero. Are you shocked? That I like Seymour Butts? Didn't he used to pal around with Shane?

There's a gal on a dating show on TV right now and she says her nickname is Wacqui Jacqui. Just like me. At work they call her Sparky. No one's ever called me Sparky. Bunny, Orca, (don't ask, it was traumatic), Dolly, Angel, Mermaid, but not Sparky.

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