Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

I have too much stuff...

Yeay, things are looking up. Well, if you don't count that I stupidly turned on Fear Factor and saw a big casserole dish filled with cow, sheep, and fish eyes. I just wanted to watch people slide down the big shiny pyramid, but I won't watch poor slaughtered animals being desecrated.

I don't get how people can be so insensitive to this -- people I really like, they're just completely tuned out when it comes to the part they play in the murder of these innocent animals. How can anyone eat something that was killed for them? I just don't get it. I think it's because it's been so many years since I became a vegetarian so I've fallen out of touch with how I was able to eat animals and tune out the wrongfulness of it. If you don't agree with me on this issue, that's your business, please don't get into a debate with me here on my journal. I just need to feel free to write how I feel here without having to debate the issue. I absolutely fucking hate that people kill animals and eat them and that's the long and short of it for me.

On a less sensitive note, today was a good day. I had my chest x-rays done, and they were clear, so I'm okay lung-wise for surgery. Thursday I'll have my stress echocardiogram, finally, and then hopefully my heart will be cleared for surgery. It's a wee bit worrying because I took Phen-Fen for two solid years! I'm a candidate for the class action lawsuit but so far I haven't joined it. So many attorneys contacted me and tried to get me to have an echo so they could document any amount of heart valve damage and add me to the class action. I thought it was all bogus and it just didn't feel right to get involved with. I'm crossing my fingers that I really don't have any heart damage because I really did take these medications for way longer than anyone I've spoken with so far.

I've been slowly getting back on my feet after this latest bout of flu. Each day for the last three days or so I've been able to go out and do one thing before I get sweaty and weak and have to come home. Today I did a few things and I even went to my old antique mall and did a little shopping before I started to feel woozy and weak. Fenugreek. (I don't know, it just came out there cause it rhymed.) I bought a big paper Easter egg like the kind my Mom used to give me when I was little. I remember that she stuffed it full of packages of gum, (oooh I used to love Adams Sour Cherry, Apple, and Orange gums, yum), and I loved that. I also bought some pretty Victorian dye cuts -- little floral greetings and some sweet cards with glitter. I also got a delicate little bridal tiara/crown that is soooo pretty, and two old children's books -- one has illustrations of fairies, mermaids, and gnomes that was incredibly overpriced but I just had to have it, and the other is a book of Japanese fairy tales with the best little drawings and color illustrations. Oh and I got two little chenille Easter ducks. Much fun.

All in all I'm feeling stronger and more positive about my surgery. My bariatric surgery is pretty much uppermost in my mind these days. I've never had any kind of surgery, well, other than exploratory and OBGYN related things. And this is pretty major, so it's natural that I should be feeling a little apprehensive. I'd been feeling pretty panicked but seeing the surgeon and being able to talk on the phone with his assistant Gedion has made me feel so much better. Of course my biggest fear is that I won't survive the surgery. All of the other stuff, that nausea and the barfing, not being able to eat anything solid for nine weeks afterwards, maybe going through all of this just to lose and then regain the weight, none of this scares me like the thought of dying during the surgery or shortly afterwards.

I just don't want to die and leave my little boy and all of my animals all alone. I'm not as worried about leaving Scott, he'd be sad for a while, but he's so sweet and wonderful, he would easily find someone else. Beau and our pets is a whole other thing. Oh bleh, how did I get into this? I guess it's because I know I should finalize my will and settle everything. It's just so scary to do. Like buying airplane insurance right before you get on a plane.

I've done all I can to finalize the divorce, at least the worry of that is out of my hands. I'm getting all of the medical tests and insurance duckies lined up. I just have to face the big scary issue of what if the worst happened. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. That's the plan. I'm pretty sure I want to be cremated. My ideal funeral would be in the bay at Napili Kai, on Maui. The sweetest and most moving funeral I ever saw was there. This local family had lost their little baby so they all gathered in the ocean, held hands in a big circle, floated leighs and loose flowers out to sea, and scattered the ashes. It was really beautiful. I felt honored to have been able to witness that. Oh Lordy I don't want to write any more about this. I just wanted to check in. Okay das it, talk to jew later. Love you - Jacqui


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