Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Overeating, My Selfish Ex, and a Whole Bunch of Damned Helicopters

I am so overdoing it for dinner. I won't eat more than an eighth of any of this but like most lush folks facing this surgery and even though I am supposed to be dieting, I feel like I have to have a series of last suppers. I am having a piece of spinach cheese quiche, some stir fry pasta with soy sauce, broccoli, and tofu, humus, bread, cheese, olives, soybeans, and lemon cake. I promise you I won't eat all of this, my body won't let me. I just wanted to have the option.

Oh and of course the helicopters have been back now for hours. The LAPD are forcing the protesters back with batons just a few blocks from here. I'd join the protesters if I wasn't so weak and unable to walk that far. These are loooooong blocks. We drove by last night around eleven, waved, and honked at everyone.

I hate that my former fave radio guy, Phil Hendrie, is so pro-war. I'm not so rabid that I can't hear other people's point of view, but he is so relentlessly mean to people who are protesting for peace. Who would have thought?

You know what, this pile of food looks so sickening to me. Maybe I'll just eat a couple of olives and take my pills. Darn it, I bought all of this food and it is going to go to waste because after tomorrow I'll be on all clear liquids and things for a looooong time. And no one around here really likes my kind of food. Oh well. I've got my vegetable broth and vegetarian fruit sweetened Jello to look forward to.

Xanax helps with the anxiety but it really kicks up my Fybromialgia - I have never known how to spell that. Is it Fibromyalgia? Yeah that looks better.

I know I had something else I wanted to tell all of you but I am just too weary and I have got to get caught up on my auction payments and e-mail. I want to get this piddly stressy stuff out of the way.

My ex still hasn't sent in the financial papers I have been begging him to send in for more than a year now. I begged him to just simply fill them out, put any old thing down, so we could send this in to the judge and go for a simple dissolution. I wanted to do this before my surgery so that I wouldn't have to worry what would happen to Beau and my home and assets if anything were to happen to me. He agreed to do it and then typically never did. I called and called to remind him but to no avail. So I wasn't surprised when I spoke with the lawyer today and learned that it was a no go. He hasn't sent them. What a selfish bastard he is.

It's this kind of stuff that really bucks up my resolve, this kind of stuff that has helped me recover from the heartbreak of being cleaved away from him. We were together for so long and he was my first real love, so it was tough, real tough, breaking up. I'm happy now that everything worked out for the best but the hurt and the disappointment and the sadness remains. The fact that he couldn't find the time to do this little thing for me so that we could be divorced before my surgery just further affirms my belief in his relentless selfishness. It's not that he loves me and doesn't want to get divorced, we've been separated for five years now, it's that he just can't be bothered to face anything taxing or confrontive. It makes me sad for Beau that his biological father is so damned unkind and uncaring. I want to call him up and tell him that my surgery is Monday and somehow share this with him, but that's just an old dying part of me, that just can't be reasoned with. A part of me that wound her roots around a man who she thought she would be entwined with forever. No matter that I am deeply involved with Scott, or that I find my ex totally unappealing, it still hurts, and the little girl part of me yearns for a piece of my old familiar life.

Will someone please tell these helicopters to fly higher or to go away? It's scaring our children and pets and it's so damned loud.

OMG it's getting so much louder. What is going on out there? I can hear people screaming. Poor, poor people. I feel sorry for everyone. I know some of you may not agree with me, but I can't help but empathize with everyone involved. I feel sorry for the protesters, for the cops who are caught between a rock and a hard place in having to try to deal with this, and who might be needed somewhere else, for the people of Iraq and Kuwait, the friends and family members of anyone who has lost someone to a terrorist attack, and to the soldiers, the military, and the members of the press who are bravely risking their lives to cover this for us.

I feel so pressured to pick a side and demonize the other and I won't do that. I don't believe in war. I think war is atrocious and evil, but I can't condemn our military. I think they are brave good people who are sacrificing their lives, who give up being with their friends and families, in the belief that they are doing the right thing, they aren't to blame unless their actions are directly inhumane, and it makes me sad when people turn their anger towards them rather than towards our own politicians. I mean I know for a fact that if I could have sent troops to Tibet to defend the Tibetan people from the Chinese, I absolutely would have. If I could travel back in time and kill Hitler, I would, so who am I to judge?

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