I owe you all so many visits and comment responses, but I just don't have the strength or focus, all these darned pain meds. Not that I'm not taking full advantage of every legally prescribed narcotic moment here.
I just wanted to ask you for a recommendation. I need a new computer, a PC, not a Mac, even though I love them, (we just already have one). It needs to be super speedy and have tons of storage for all the image files I save and play with. I'd like it to be able to play and burn DVDs and CDs and have an old tiny floppy drive as well. Hmm, what else, the programs I tend to use are mostly art programs, fun things like tarot and dream interpretation stuff, and I think it would need a good video card and a sound card and speakers. But doesn't that all sound like most computers. What are good cams these days? I've just completely wasted so much hardware and software here. I have three cams and never hooked them up, same with my scanner and so many other things.
Ooooh headache coming on, blah, what med am I missing now?
Anyway I went to Dell on line and I didn't understand it. I want the top of the line computer and want it loaded so I can use it for a while before I have to upgrade or dump the darned thing for a new one. So, do any of you have any recommendations? I just thought some of my cyber savvy LJ pals would have a definite leg up on me re. this one. Let me know if you have the time.
I went out today for the first time since getting home. Pretty ambitious since I haven't even had the energy to talk on the phone and owe so many dear friends calls. I took Beau and we went to Jamba Juice and I got the berry protein drink and felt so satisfied to be able to order and consume something that didn't come out of a blechy health food store can, or an ice machine. The cool thing about it was that it was so filling. In the past I would order one of these healthy fruit smoothies and be able to sip down about half of it before I felt too full, and this time all I could manage was a few teaspoonfuls at a time, and afterwards I felt full for hours. I so pray this is the result of all of this, that I will be able to eat most of the foods I have always loved, but in much smaller amounts, feeling satisfied and full so much sooner.
I've been reading Carney Wilson's book. I'm surprised I didn't buy it before because I think it's been out two years now, but it worked out perfectly because right now is when I've needed it the most. One thing that stood out for me is how bawdy she is. The last thing she said to her surgeon, right before being put under, was, "Tell me Doc, I need to know, will I still be able to swallow semen." Wow! I thought I was pretty out there, but that one kind of took me aback. First of all because that's a pretty wacky thing to be worrying about seconds before someone is about to take your life into his hands, and secondly because it's sort of stupid. It's not like men shoot out something the consistency of molten metal or something. If it's liquid, it'll be fine.
Right before they put me under I was thinking things like, oh I don't know, I hope I won't lie here and bleed to death, I definitely wasn't thinking about blow jobs and being able to swallow. But maybe that makes me a bad girlfriend. (Scott you are so not allowed to say anything here.) At first I thought, woah what a harsh rock chick, but then I thought that it's sort of sweet and indicative of how passionate, sensual, and alive she is. I'm also betting any guy reading this is just wishing for a gal whose last thought is about this. A gal with her priorities in order, living, dying, what's that? It's the cock that counts, like"All right Carney, thinking about the things that really matter. You go girl!"
Tomorrow I'm going to go to Dr. Liu's first support group meeting at his new hospital. I'll get to be the woman who can tell her war story and show her scars. I like helping other people. It might sound cliche but if I can make just one person there feel a little less frightened then it will be more than worth it. As you all know, I was the biggest coward about this, and hell, if I can do it, well, then anyone can. I think I'll leave out the part about the tape allergy, the blisters, and the nurses.
I've made a little photo booklet of my hospital stay to take with me to show everyone. I left out the close ups of my wounds and the drains and tubes, I don't want to send people running for the bathrooms or anything like that. I used my new photo printer that I got for my birthday. I never bought one before because I thought they were for computer wimps, you know, what's the printer for if you can't print out a few digital snaps? But I am so amazed at how easy and fast it is. I just plugged it in, loaded the paper, connected it to my TV, picked out the shots I wanted, and off we went - tons of prints for everyone. I'm sorry I haven't had the energy to upload them to share with you, but I will soon, I promise.
Again, I have to say that I have read every one of your comments over and over again. Scott printed them out and brought them to me at the hospital, and they have brought me sooooooo much comfort. You really know how to make a gal feel loved and special. Thank you again and again. I feel like a girl who just got a lot of shower gifts and has to write her thank yous to everyone individually, at least that's the standard I hold myself to, but I just don't have the strength to do it yet. Everything I do, including making the little photo book, is done with the help of someone else. I can't even bend over yet.
Oh and I lost eleven or twelve pounds. I'm pretty satisfied with that, but I'll be feeling a hell of a lot better when I progress to anything I can chew.