Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Tears, My Dear Sisters, War With a String Cheese, and My Beloved Sunny

I've just been sitting here crying and crying and trying to find the energy to search through my files for a picture of Sunny to edit and put up here to share with you. Then my friend Jen/theolive called and that took my mind off things for a bit. We were talking and she asked me why I think the nuns, my friends who live down the street, don't like me. I told her that I was probably totally projecting this because of how I feel about myself, and how I think I don't exactly fit the mold of the ideal Marymount girl; I don't go to mass, I swear all the time, I'm divorcing my ex, (but that wasn't my fault and I've certainly given it my all and am taking long enough to do it), I've committed some sins I'm too ashamed to write about here, I go to nude resorts, I am having sex without being married, I use contraception, what else, I masturbate, I steal money from my Mother, and so many more things that sort of disqualify me from being a good Catholic.

I worry about this disparity between the real me, the me you read online, and the me I am with people out in the world, and what it would be like if those worlds collided someday. What would it be like for my dear sweet religious friends to find this journal and see the word Fuck written all over the place? What would they think of my naked French postcards?

Jen asked me if they'd ever said anything that made me think they didn't like me and I said, no, that it was just a fear that I had. Then I remembered that in my big pile of mail that I haven't been able to get to since coming back from the hospital I saw a card from them. I thought, "Hey, I know, I'll open this up in front of Jen. I'll read it her and then we can read between the lines and see if I'm crazy or not."

From the Religious of the Sacred Heart
Get Well Soon
Dear Jacqui,
It's just no fun without you.
Yesterday Sr. Colette and I went to Mass at the new Cathedral. We prayed specially for you. Hope all went well with your surgery. All of us here are rooting for you, our friend, our student, our beloved (they actually said beloved) neighbor, our one and only Jacqui.
Blessing, hugs,
Srs. C. E. M. & K.

This simple card meant so much to me I started crying. I guess crying is going to be my new permanent state of being.

And I've been having a war with a piece of string cheese. I called my nutritionist to ask her if I couldn't just try a bite and chew it really really well, but she wasn't available. I tried to bribe myself with this broccoli soup but it hasn't work and the string cheese has won. So far I've had two very well chewed bites. The worst that can happen is that I'll throw up and learn my lesson. I feel so sad and upset anyway that I've already been feeling like barfing. Hey, wow, if I can eat a piece of string cheese, maybe next I'll be able to nibble on an olive. This isn't good, I hope she calls me back soon before I work my way up to Captain Crunch or something really awful ; ) I lost two more pounds so that make s a total of fifteen pounds since my surgery the Monday before last.

I knew that being without my familiar comfort of food to turn to during my many different cycles of feeling would be a serious challenge, but God, I didn't know I would be having to put one of my favorite cats to sleep right out of the gate. And having to confront Beau's longtime little girlfriend Juliet's father about her having said she was going to break up with Beau because her dad doesn't like him, and having to comfort little Rosa, and all the many other things that have been cropping up around here. Yeah it's just not like you go away and come back and your life is any less challenging. I know how blessed and lucky I am. I am always grateful and try my best to remain Sunny, I can't believe he is gone, just simply can't believe it. I'm so so so angry!!!

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