Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Hello My Dear Dear Journal Friends,

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to write back to everyone yet. I tried to cover one post's worth of comments and by the end I was so exhausted I had to go lay down. But please don't go away. I really appreciate you guys, and your kind comments are a tremendous source of comfort and support. Thank you so very much!

I am still so sad about Sunny, but I am trying to wrap my mind around this and reason with my heart. I knew something was wrong with him when I got him. His fur always looked a little mussed. He always seemed depressed, and I was there cajoling, cuddling, and adoring him, just hoping I would be able to win him over and bring him out of it. I think maybe I misread his progressing illness as heartbreak over having been abandoned. At least I hope that's the case. So when he didn't appreciate being cuddled, didn't want to snuggle with me under the covers, didn't really want to be hauled around, even though everything I read about his breed told me he would, it might just have been because he was feeling crappy.

Now when I start thinking like this, I start thinking I should have done something for him sooner, could have saved him if I had. But I did have my at-home vet take a look at him and she said he was fine. I just regret not having taken him in to the better more expensive vets sooner, but we didn't really know how much better they were until recently, and Mom was starving me out with the credit card game. So for now, as sad as I am, I am reasoning with myself. I am thinking that he is much better off free of a pain bound earthly body, and can sore around knowing he was loved so much. I look up at the ceiling and picture him hovering above me. I reach my arms out to him and bring them down to my chest pretending to be holding the spiritual form of my beloved cat. It hurts and it helps at the same time. I do miss him so.

I've written about this before but when my ex was leaving me, my brother-in-law, who I had loved since he was this chubby little six year old, decided, (in that cruel immature way that people do when they are confused about how to handle a divorce), to take sides against me. I remember going up to him to hug him like I always did and he was just stiff and wouldn't put his arms around me. Robby had holed up in a motel with a drug crazed hooker, but Matt was mad at me. It didn't make sense, but it was what it was, heartbreaking. But one of the worst things I remember his saying to me, (when he was trying to justify his turning against me, maybe because he was just trying to make all of it hurt less by making me wrong and his brother right), was that in all the time he'd known me he'd never known anyone to have so many animals that died -- as if I was this horrible neglectful animal abuser. It hurt so bad and I've never gotten over it, sometimes referring back to it in my mind as if he were right.

Otherwise I just can't stand only eating these tiny cups of protein drink so my nutritionist said I could add in small curd lowfat cottage cheese. I feel so weird and angry and mixed up around food. I just don't know how to deal with it right now but I know things will smooth over.

I started writing this earlier in the day, then set it aside and now I am finishing it so late. I know Scott will check and see the time I went to bed. Oh well.

This is for you

Extra hugs to jadedheart : )

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