Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

Good and Bad Feelings and We Have Three Brand New kittens!


I've got lots of mother daughter issues, just lots of 'em

Oh God! My life feels so unmanageable right now. Sound like someone needs a meeting? Yup. But I have to work up the courage to find one and go to it. I haven't had the world's best experience with OA meetings in West, LA though. I definitely need a better place to go where I can talk about my feelings. I love my journal and I love my LJ friends, but without food to push all the feelings down, it's hard to deal with everything. And with eBay and a world of wonderful things just a click away it's so easy to just sit here and play all day and night and ignore all of the things that need my attention.

I've been doing a lot of compulsive shopping on eBay. A lot of compulsive spending in general. Then this gets me into conflict with Scott and my Mother and my Mother's secretary. It's all so complicated and painful. In many ways I feel like this woman I saw on Fear Factor (I actually hate Fear Factor because of all of the gross and cruel animal related stunts, but I happened to be watching it and the first stunt didn't involve anything abusive towards animals so I hung with it), tonight; she's on Fear Factor for God's sake, but she's carrying this little piece of fabric that she calls her banky, and she can't let it go long enough to not have to be seen rubbing it by millions of people watching the show. She kicked ass, she did the stunt perfectly, but as soon as she got back on the dock, she needed her "banky."

I feel like this sometimes, like a very wounded child who is just learning how to be brave, how to be me in a confusing painful world, while still holding on to the comfort and safety of the past. And it doesn't help that I have put myself deep in a situation where my Mother can pull all of the strings financially. Today, twice when I tried to reach out to her, when I tried to have a loving, bonding conversation with her about anything we can find to talk about that we have in common, she just ripped into me about money. It was so awful. She thinks nothing of ripping my security out from under me whenever she feels like it. Today she threatened to cancel all of my credit cards and told me that she isn't going to pay for my psychiatrist anymore because she hasn't cured me. Cured me. My Mother was the one who sent me to the psychiatrist in the first place, but then she's never happy because no one fixes me to her liking. And she surrounds herself with people who kiss her ass and oppose me. It's so ugly and hurtful and she's getting more forgetful and senile by the day which is breaking my heart.

Then there are all of the other people who depend on me for their survival and always, always, always feel that I don't do enough for them, no matter how much I do. Today Irma (who I spent most of yesterday running around buying gifts for) told me that when Esther was here working with us the other day she said, "I can't tell you anything anymore. Whatever I say you'll just repeat it to Jacqui." And she was right, Irma immediately repeated this to me, and I hate it. It makes me nuts, what did she want to say, what is it that she really feels about me? I've been so hurt so often by the people I have loved the most and felt the closest to in my life. I hate feeling used by the people I love and care for.

My Mom always tries to remind me in her socially separated world that I shouldn't let myself get so close to the people who work for me, that it's an exchange and nothing more. That people will hurt me like they've hurt her. She used to tell me this about my friends when I was little as well. But it's impossible for me to live this closely with people and not come to love them, not want to help their children, not treat them as family and treat their problems as my own. I'm just not built to behave any differently.

And then there is Scott who works in this awful job, works like a slave for just enough money to get by. He is a brilliant, brilliant artist. I mean he is a true genius being when it comes to music and acting and he shouldn't be wasting away in this job that is driving up his weight and his blood pressure. I worry that it is killing him. And he needs money to record an album the way it should be recorded and he has to sit by and watch me blow thousands of dollars on things like Moulin Rouge headpieces and chenille chicks and my Mother and Grandmother's dresses, something they don't even really appreciate my doing, and books and electronic toys for Beau and gifts for everyone I know. But at the same time I know that he knows I will always help him as much as I can.

And there are the pets, my many many pets, who need so much care, and it all costs sooooooo much money. And there's the fact that I hadn't finished fixing or paying for all of the cats who needed to be spayed and neutered before I brought two new intact male teenagers into the house who ran around and got all of the girls pregnant and now I am ankle deep in swollen cat bellies and little mews. It won't be long before there are little cat people scratching at my ankles. And this, of all the things I'm complaining about right now, because, well, because I just need to, is probably the best and the sweetest thing that is happening in my life. But who can understand something like this, a woman with XX cats, allowing some of them to have more kittens. It's insane and I know it is.

And here I am with a brand new stomach, just trying to learn how to eat without throwing up. I'm trying to learn how to get enough nutrition in without getting sick and losing all of my hair, or eating too much and failing after having gone through so much.

Additionally I've been taking Vicodin for the pain in my abdomen following my surgery, and Valium for the back spasms and pain that come from my body's reaction to the pain meds (I have Fibromyalgia and medicating pain gets kind of complicated), and I know that within a few days I will have to wean myself off of them. I've gotten it down to half of a pill each once in the morning and once at night.

So after having had to express the upset I've been feeling, I want to add that I honor some of the wonderful things that have been coming in to my life to replace some of the old things I am willing to surrender. The best things that have happened lately are the friends I've made on Live Journal who have crossed over into the real world and sent me flowers, cards, and called, who have made their friendships feel real across the miles, and across the net, our three kittens being born safely, two of whom are white, and the feeling that one of these kittens might be Sunny reincarnated and maybe Mirau as well, come back to us, my son's continuing happiness, my having survived this surgery, my Mother's having beat cancer and still being with us, this world of Latin people and their children who surround me everyday, the support and calls of my old friends, the drawing closer that I feel with them, the shedding of this fat, the little bit of exercising that I've been willing to do, this huge, monumental change I've been willing to make in my life that is like a true Easter at just the right moment, the getting closer to getting back to my art my right work and my true sense of purpose, and the love and fidelity of this man who has treated me like none other. I have a lot to be thankful for. I could go on for hours but I think I'll just leave it here for the moment.

And excuse me but how mean is Married to America? I think Fox TV has hit an all time new low. I would have to tune in for the finale after not having watched any of the episodes before this. This is just simply heartbreaking, what was I thinking tuning in to this? I love weddings, I'm a bridal junkie. I didn't realize people would back out at the last moment. How totally sad.
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