Hello My Journal Darlings,
I've been missing you all so much. I just got back from Palm Desert last night. I have so many stories about our little vacation but I just don't have the energy to log them in right now. I just wanted to say hello and thank you for your kindness and your support and your lovely gifts (Jacquehyaena and Magicwoman). Please forgive me if I missed anyone. My mind is so scattered and fragmented and spacey. I'm juggling so much. As usual I'm sorry I haven't been able to catch up and respond to everyone's kind comments and e-mail. I'm going through so many changes physically and have been super busy. I've got my new dietary restrictions and exercise plan, a body that I don't really know how to work yet, a demanding thirteen year old son, my elderly forgetful Mom, my two assistant/housekeepers who are always needing help with something, and their six kids who are here all the time needing help with homework or game systems or whatever, and then there are the pets, my many many pets. I am bottle feeding three kittens every four to six hours.
I've also been dealing with the discovery of a lot of creepy duplicitous behavior on the part of my Mother's housekeeper and my Mother's total denial in the face of so much mounting evidence. She is totally unwilling to face this because she has become so dependent on her, this creepy ambitious greedy liar. I am having to be much more present and oversee a lot more in my Mother's life because of it.
Apparently she's done more than convince Mom to sell the old Jaguar to the gardener and raise the rent on Mom's tenant in an effort to force her out. I got another call tonight from Mary, the woman who worked there on the weekends and recently quit because she just didn't want any of Rosa's lies and stealing to somehow get her in trouble. She had spoken with her aunt, who is good friends with Rosa and who worked for my Mother for a time, and the aunt said that she had a feeling Rosa was stealing things because of how jammed her apartment is with things that she couldn't possibly afford, silver, china, and expensive clothing. She told Mary that she could go ahead and tell me this if I promised not to get her in trouble with Rosa. She said that I would only have to go as far as her living room to see everything that she's taken from my Mother.
Then to top it all off Trini, the aunt, told Mary that Rosa and her daughter have been wearing beautiful expensive looking dresses to parties and dances. Rosa said my Mother and Grandmother had designed them and given to her. Mother never gave her any of their old dresses. Mother never saved any of them. I bought them and stupidly would leave them at Mom's house for her to take to the desert house where we store them in her huge closets. Now I know why Rosa was so paranoid and had to be right with us when we were organizing the clothes this past weekend. God, I hate her, and I can't do anything about it because my Mother chooses to overlook and explain away everything. How can she explain Trini, who doesn't know I collect these dresses, telling Mary that Rosa has been wearing them? Argh!
I'm afraid that all of this sounds horribly greedy and materialistic, probably because it is, but it isn't as simple as saying, "Well, I've done everything I can to warn and protect my Mother, these are her choices", and wash my hands of the whole thing. My Mother is a wealthy woman and I am her only heir. All of the silver and china and finer things that she has saved through the years, she has saved for me, Rosa is stealing them, and I can only make little tiny inroads into my Mom's blocked off awareness. Oh blech, anyway, this is one of the major things I've been dealing with. And it isn't just Rosa, there is someone else as well, but I don't feel comfortable writing about it here just yet.
It's just so creepy and sad that when wealthy elderly people are approaching the end of their lives so many people gather round hoping to take a bite of the possession pie. It makes me sick that I even concern myself with this because after all it's my Mother's happiness, health, and well-being that I really care about, that and having a solid relationship with her. It just kills me when I know that there are two people who are so close to her that are constantly working against me, jealous and greedy, and looking for every opportunity to tear me down and build themselves up in Mother's eyes. I hate writing about stuff like this because it seems so grubby and petty. I bet Tara Guber isn't worrying about her inheritance and her Mother's housekeeper in her beautiful yoga/meditation house. But then again she's incredibly wealthy and wouldn't have to. Anyway this is one of the things that has been taking up some of my time and energy.
I've also been using this newfound physical freedom to dig myself out from under this giant clutter mountain that I buried myself under. Little by little I've organized Beau's room and am now working on my office. Next it'll be my closets, the garage, oh Lord I am not looking forward to that, and my storage unit. Then I hope to get my ass in gear and list things on eBay.
So far I've lost sixty-one pounds and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I have more energy, well more and less. I can do more, but then I get weak because I'm not eating very much and I'm losing so quickly.
I had my first experience where someone didn't recognize me today. I knew this was going to happen at some point, just not so soon. I was at the market and spotted one of my neighbors and her daughter. I was walking towards them smiling and my friend who hasn't seen me did this huge double take and then made a really big deal about how different I look. I thought I would enjoy this but it felt so weird. I know what it feels like to have people not recognize you when you gain weight but I've never had it happen the other way round. I appreciated her support and kindness but nevertheless it's hard to cope with, having someone gush about how much better you look, how the new you is so much better than the old ugly you of only nine weeks ago.
I remember the last time I lost a large amount of weight. It would hurt when people would feel freed up to tell me things like, "Wow you were so big there I thought you were going to pop", and "I can't believe how much better you look now. You were really looking awful. You were ginormous. Now, don't you feel much better now?" It's hard to separate the compliments from the insults to your formerly fatter self. I think it must be similar to when people insult your ex or your parents. It's okay for you to do it but when someone else does it, it hurts. Does that make sense? Am I getting too tired to continue -- too tired to keep typing? Yes. Okay, I think I'll sign off.
I just have to add how much I love all of you and how much it means to me to have this journal and to have all of these wonderful friends to share my life with. Goodnight everyone.
Working towards being a better friend to all of you,