Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Sixty Five Lbs Gone Forever!! We're Going to Maui! Small Troubles With Scott and Last Night's Dreams

As of today I've lost SIXTY-FIVE pounds! Wahoo, I am so happy about this! Thank you everyone for your kindness and support, I so appreciate it! Now I just have to keep going. I've really got that it takes three things -- three key components -- to keep the weight coming off; protein, water, and walking, or consistent exercise of some kind. If I'm off on any of those three, the weight loss slows to a trickle. It's hard to be a vegetarian and get enough low fat protein but I keep trying. I started drinking sobe orange carrot drinks halved with water and ice and I think I was taking in less water because of this. We walked a lot in Ventura but there were dead seals on the beach, and when we walked on the boardwalk at night we bickered.

This is the beach that is right in front of our condo complex. The picture isn't so great but I wanted to share it with you. It has a man made reef of cars -- about a hundred cars that were dumped off shore to create an artificial reef. It's a beginning scuba diving spot. Maybe I'll rent a tank and a reg and do it on my own. Maybe not. I'm definitely going to go diving though.

Yeay we're going to Hawaii again this summer! This time we're going to be staying at a condo in South Maui, in Wailea. Beau and I are used to West Maui where we've always stayed before, but I'm looking forward to the change and am so grateful to be going that really being able to stay anywhere in Maui, just so I can be there, will be fine. We'll be gone from the seventh of July through the twenty-first, I think.

Of course this means I'll have to hang with Rosa and my Mom for two weeks, but we've done it before so it should be okay. I'm a little worried about our having to share a living room and a kitchen because Mom is so uptight about neatness and Rosa is always looking to make herself look good at my expense, blah. I pray that someday I'll have my own resources and not always have to rely on my Mother to take me anywhere costly. (I love my difficult, demanding, but generous-in-her-own-way Mom, and although she can be hard to be with, I am very aware that at eighty-eight years old, my time with her is running out so I want to make the most of it and gather all of her stories and build a few last memories with her while I can) Again though, I'm grateful to be able to go. My soul simply years to be in Hawaii. I loved Tahiti but Hawaii beckons my heart.

I hope Scott can set his resentment aside and be happy for us that we get to do this. I wish I could take him with us but Mom didn't even think she could afford to pay for us to go this year, we are doing it all as cheaply as possible, and I don't have the money. I tried to find a smaller condo at the place where we're staying so we could stay on but they're booked solid, and I tried to find a one bedroom at Napili Kai where we stayed last year. All they have are studios and Scott has to have another room to go off to when he's restless.

I wish that my Mom felt differently about this, wish that she weren't so old fashioned about things, but that's just the way it is for now. I'm going to keep trying to figure out a way for us to work this out so he can go and we can do the same thing, stay on an extra week but I don't know if I can. I should have some air miles on Mom's citibank card, with all the money I've spent and paid her back for so that might help with airfare and if I could get us a cheaper condo that would be great but then there's food and the rent-a-car and we still will need to save for Burning Man, blah.

I paid for him to go last year and we stayed on an extra week after my Mom left so we could all be together but I don't even know if he appreciated the sacrifice cost-wise on my part. He has this unattractive entitlement thing going on with my Mother and me and money and it's really hard to deal with. Maybe he has a right to feel this way, maybe I would feel the same way if I were in his place, who knows. I want to include him in everything. I want to pay all his bills and help him out with everything but I just can't and it gets wearying that because he can't afford to pay his own way it's hard for him to be happy for us. Now my little trust-fund is so depleted that we just can't take any more out of it, not even to pay my credit card bills off. He paid for half of our trip to Ventura which was amazing to me, and such a relief, but he bitched at me about little things, like the cost of wasted TV movies so I offered to pay for them myself, but in the end he was great about it.

Tonight I agreed to go to Mom's for dinner and to watch Manor House with her. I've seen it a couple of times now but a friend of hers gave it to her and she wants to watch it with me. She can never figure out how to work her TV or VCR so I'm going to try, again, to teach her how. I'm just as lame and phobic on my end when it comes to setting up my time to tape anything when I'm away or even when I'm there. I've asked Scott for help with this but he never feels well enough to help me out or it just never comes up.

In my dreams last night Scott and I were fighting. He was at his dream apartment, which is smaller and darker than his real apartment, and sometimes in my dreams his ex-wife has moved back in with him. I was staying with these two overweight lesbians and about to get a massage from a chiropractor but I felt this desperate need to communicate with Scott first. He wasn't being nice or cooperative and was giving me a hard time about when he would bring Beau back home. He kept hanging up on me. He was so cold and uncomprehending. He kept getting offended about stupid little things and wouldn't listen to me or give me a chance to talk, then he's hang up on me. I felt desperate to reach him and find my way back to being happy and at peace with him. I just couldn't get us back to a harmonious place.

I also dreamt that Brittney Spears was somehow my friend through Beau or someone young and right after she left I realized that she could help me with my exercise body fitness goals. I thought maybe she would let me work out with her at her gym, so I kept trying to find her again and find my way to her gym. I was in some city and it was getting darker and I was running. Running felt so good. My knees didn't hurt like I thought they would and people kept cheering me on and supporting me. It felt so good to be surging forward, bouncing up and down, and moving so fast, like being in this light state of joy.

There was also some kind of Asian craft arts festival coming up and there were all of these fun posters up everywhere. They were so cool and had little Chinese paper toys with sticks and stickers attached to them. I grabbed about five of them.

Well, I'd better get some work done here. Esther is going to come and hopefully help me with the mess in my office. She is always late and it's so unfair to Irma.

I'm feeling anxious about my not having had the time to catch up with and respond to everyone who has kindly commented in my journal. I know I've said this before but I really do read all of your comments and they mean so much to me. I'm just such a perfectionist that I can't bear to respond to one person's comment without responding to everyone else's so when someone asks me a question I don't always get back to them because I think, Oh I'll have to come back and respond to everyone when I get a second. Then time passes and there's just too much for me to catch up with. I keep trying though.

Love you guys,

PS: You guys have probably seen this a zillion times but for the new people here's a script (oh crap I can't find it, I'll have to add it in later unless anyone wants to help me out by posting the link, darn it, I'm in such a rush, sorry), that tells you who friended and defriended you on Live Journal by month. (I don't know if my link will take you to your own script or if it will take you to mine but if it does maybe you can somehow get it to do yours.) This of course drives me crazy and I can tell how negatively focused I am because of course I look at who defriended me, instead of all the wonderful people who had just added me, and try to figure what happened and if I neglected to pay enough attention to them when sometimes people are just simplifying their lists because like me they can't keep up with everyone. I worry that some strong statement I made offended them or put them off, worry that I could be losing a potential future good friend due to my inability to be in six places at one time and give people here the attention their kindness to me deserves.

PPS: This article about a chairty that gives away prom dresses to girls whose families wouldn't have been able to afford them is so sweet that I thought you might want to see it if you hadn't already.

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