Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

I just lost out on this card to another bidder on eBay, damn!

Hello My Little Journal Darlings,

Well, Beau didn't go to his party after all. He got an earache and didn't feel up to it. Plus I never got the e-mailed invitation that his little friend promised to send us. I don't really like her all that much so I'm kind of relieved but I feel sorry for Beau.

I made my scary phone call to my tenant, the nude bar owner. He was pretty angry to begin with, then after being super aggressive and scary for a good while, he calmed down and said he'd send me the money, if I put it in writing. His gal, the one who said she didn't give a fuck about my Mother or her cancer, is in the hospital again and Art doesn't think she's going to make it. He said she had an ulcer that got infected and she had to have three quarters of her stomach removed. Not to be mean, but doesn't that sound a bit like what I had done? I'll say a prayer for her despite her meanness to me, I'm sure she must be a pretty stressed out gal to have so many health problems, a triple bypass last September and now this ulcer thing. I just don't ever want to have to deal with her again and I would so rather she leave the planet before Art does. I can't imagine having to call her when the rent is late, "Uh Barbara hi this is Jacqui. Your, ummm, rent is..." "Oh yeah, Jacqui? Well, Fuck You! Who do you think you are expecting me to pay the goddamned rent? You're lucky you get anything from me you fucking bitch. And another thing, if it weren't for us you and that whore of a mother of yours wouldn't have a pot to piss in..."

Scott bailed on getting together tonight because he said he just wanted to lay around. I don't feel too terrific either.

I spoke to my Mother and it was just so depressing and frustrating. It's getting worse and worse. She's really gone downhill, I don't know if she had a stroke or something, but all of a sudden she's more forgetful and grouchy and weary than she ever was. I think she may be clinically depressed but good luck getting her to see a shrink and take any medication. She calls my Effexor happy pills for the weak.

It's hard to have a conversation with her because she doesn't remember things you only spoke about days before, and she has such a limited attention span before she gets impatient and grouchy. I was looking forward to renting two cars when we're in Hawaii, so we can do our own thing without always having to worry about being back by a certain time, so that Mom and Rosa won't be trapped in the condo without the car, but Mom is completely set against it. She's worried I'll leave her alone the whole time, which I would never do. I just don't want to have to drive over an hour to get to our favorite beaches, because this year she suddenly decided she wanted to stay way down south, and then have to hustle back worrying that she's getting pissed off at me. Mom when she's angry is not a pretty sight. She got pissed at me and had a complete anger tantrum in Paris once when I left her alone in a department store to do a little shopping. She had said it would be fine and all I did was go to a couple of departments on the same floor where I left her but when I came back she was livid and then was verbally abusive and bullying for hours afterwards. You just never know how she's going to react, what she's going to freak out over or when. Tonight she was going off on me about scuba diving and sharks. She doesn't want me to dive because it's too expensive and sharks might get me. I don't have the least bit of fear about sharks, seriously, I was diving with them in Tahiti and they were gorgeous, strong, and graceful.

Oh God. When am I ever going to be free to live my own life? When will I be free to live where I like, go where I like, dress how I like, and just be whoever the fuck I want to be? As it is I feel trapped, have been for a very long time. *Big huge sigh*

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