Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

Anxiety, Croquet, and a Hard Veggie Corn Dog


C. Klein, one of my favorite postcard artists.

I am so anxious and stressed out today. The last dreams before I awoke were so upsetting. I'm going to share them just to get them outside of my mind, shake them off a little bit.

I am at my Mother's house, it's different, more traditional and larger, a little like the house in American Beauty but again it's bigger. I think it's haunted. For some reason Mom has decided to locate the dining room upstairs, using up two bedrooms.

Beau and I are living with her. All of the new kittens are here with us as well. It's nighttime and I keep having to go across the street to another house where Mom lives. The kittens follow me. I am so worried about them, they are so tiny and need protecting. They don't sense danger and toddle out into the street. I am worried they will be hit by a car or get lost. I can't keep all of them together, can't manage all of them.

I am at the door of the house across the street. I need to get all of the kittens inside but they keep squirming away from me and running in and out. As soon as I catch one another one will squeeze past me and head for the street.

I know there was a lot more to this dream but this is about all that I can remember from this one.

In the other dream I am driving in a car with my ex, Robby, and our son Beau. We are in this weird, dream space version of Hollywood. We stop at some expensive hotel. Robby goes in to this gift shop and I see him steal something.

I walk out to the driveway/lobby area of the hotel. It's very expansive in feeling, all white, modern, and open. People are standing around waiting for the valets to bring their cars. I can hear them thinking. They wish that they lived here. I think I am lucky to live here but I wish I had their money. I am feeling very poor compared to all of these expensively dressed people who can afford to stay in hotels like this. There are some perfume bottles scattered across a coffee table. I want to spray some on me but the perfume looks old.

Beau and Robby head away from me. They walk towards a little lunch place that also sells snacks and things. Beau gets his food and sits down and Robby is getting ready to pay when he quickly grabs this sticker from a bin in front of the counter and puts it up with our stuff. I can see that it's this sexist sticker that has a picture of a sixteen year old blonde surfer girl with the words, "I Love Sixteen Year Olds!" on it. This pisses me off so I just grab it away from him and put it back telling the guy behind the counter that we won't be buying that. Then I go into another room where Robby and Beau are seated with their food and I proceed to let Robby have it for being such a womanizing shit. I tell him everything I've done to try to keep our relationship going, all of the painful, hurtful things he's put me through. I describe my weight loss surgery and how I did this for him in a last ditch effort to get him to be attracted to me and to stop needing to screw around with young girls and then I break up with him.


I was soooooo anxious today. I wound up canceling our Palm Springs trip and then planning a whole different adventure for all of us. We're going to go to San Diego tomorrow and stay at Paradise Point resort, I think that's what it's called. There are lots of pools and things for the kids to do. Then we'll go to Seaworld all day and into the night on Wednesday, then go back to the hotel Wednesday night, and then leave and go to Legoland on Thursday. Most of this depends on my tenant paying his rent on time so I'm crossing my fingers he'll come through for me. He promised to pay me last Wednesday, then changed his mind and told me he'd pay me today and didn't. Tomorrow is the first so I'll call him tonight and be tougher with him. I'm just glad he seems to have broken up with his monstrous missus.

At one point today I was so anxious I had to just get away from everything and everyone and just lay down on my bed with the cats and the radio. It only took about thirty minutes for me to feel better, but I just felt so awful, both weight-loss-surgery wise, because my stomach was freaking out, and stress-and-anxiety wise because of our upcoming trip with Mom and Rosa, yuck, to Hawaii. Then there are the continuing health problems of our cats, we had to take four of them to the vet today, and of course that costs money, and we have to find homes for twenty, yes, twenty kittens, and I won't have time to do that until we get back and by then they'll be three weeks bigger and three weeks harder to place. Then I have all of these backlogged eBay auctions to figure out how to pay, but my cards are rung way up and I don't have any money in my account. Then there's Burning Man, and the incredibly expensive motor home to figure out how to pay for and I have to buy my tickets today or else I'll have to pick them up at will call. Then there was the crazy, really super duper crazy, phone call I had with my Mom today about her housekeeper's wanting to switch days, and she just kind of went off and didn't make any sense and actually got mad at me about it.

It's so scary that her physical and mental health is in such a steep decline and she is in serious angry denial about this, when she's the one in charge of my finances, and then there's evil, greedy Rosa waiting right by her side for any opportunity to push me out of the way and take advantage of the situation. Farg, it's just all so stressful. I haven't even begun to talk about all of the things I should be doing instead of playing, like going to doctors and the dentist, and trying to plow through the clutter here, but maybe I need to play. Going to Sea World and Legoland were two of my many ambitious plans for our summer so it'll be good to go, and the kids are going to have so much fun, and I'll get to play with bat rays and dolphins. I figure it'll cost about the same as going to Palm Springs because I would have had to do marketing for all of our meals, and take everyone out to the movies and the arcades. Hmmm, maybe this is going to cost more, sigh, oh well, it'll all work out, cross my fingers.

One of the best things that happened today was when we all went out into the back yard and played croquet. That was fun and kind of sweet. I let the Moes out of the back cat house, (they were consigned to the back cat house when they picked one too many fights and pissed on us one too many times, but I love them so much it was hard to make the decision to move them out with the other kitties), so they could play in the yard, and it was great being able to see and cuddle them.

I was so relieved to see how clean and nice the cat house is. I'm noticing how much more willing I am to face the parts of my life I had kind of abdicated from during my long fat grieving person's convalescence. I'm also noticing what a crap job Esther's husband Hugo and other people have done when I've paid them to work for me to help clean up the yard and garage. Everything is just thrown together, totally haphazardly, in piles, great, big, abandoned piles of cages, and cat boxes, and toys, behind the cat house, in the old chicken coop, and the garage. God, I don't even want to think about how hard it's going to be to untangle that. I just don't know when people got to the point where they would just open the garage and toss things in, when we started out with this really organized room.

Well, I'm going to try to eat some dinner -- some bites of a veggie corn dog and maybe a couple of olives. I had three or four bites of Lean Cuisine ravioli for lunch, then I took my vitamins and that did me in. Now I'm hungry again. I'm trying so hard not to keep grazing and I'm noticing that I'm hungriest at night which is of course the worst time to eat. My weight has frozen at a loss of seventy-two pounds for over a week now. Well, I lost one pound, gained it back, and then lost it again. I know these plateaus are normal and meant to happen but I panic every time. I keep wanting to weight to come off like it did in the first few weeks when I wasn't eating anything.

Ahhh here comes my dinner... but the veggie dog is seriously overmicrowaved and I had to knock it on my desk like a rock for Irma to believe me. I did this with a smile though.

Irma's kids are so happy that she's running late tonight, because they don't want to have to go to church. I just took a bite of an olive and it tasted so gross I spit it out. I just thought I'd share how weird and challenging eating is for me, for anyone out there who thinks this surgery is a weight loss party.

Okay me go now. Love you guys -- Jac

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