Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

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Have you guys ever considered how very Orwellian Livejournal is? For example, right now I want to tell you about this dream I had, but it was only a couple of days ago that I told you how boring I find people's dreams. Now I feel rotten for having said that and I thought, hey I could just go back to that post and remove all of that. But I won't, because, oh I don't know, it would be like cheating or something. Well, that's the aspect of Livejournal that I'm talking about, how one minute someone is here, someone like warchild, and the next minute someone has wiped out their entire journal. Or how people can just pop in and out of their entries and remove or add things. The only aspect that we can't control are the posts in other people's journals, and I imagine that someone is probably working on that. I mean, don't you hate it when you leave a message on someone's machine, or send an e-mail, and wish you could take it back?

Oh well so here comes my lizard creature dream, I'll keep it short. I was gong to walk in this AIDS walk and I kept thinking I should do this because I want to help and it's the right thing to do but I'm lame and might not be able to keep up. I was worried that I wouldn't have the stamina, but I wanted to keep my commitment to this woman who had been asking me. Then people were throwing poisonous snakes at me, so there would be three snakes I would have to figure out how to get off me without being bitten. Then there was this horrible monstrous venomous lizard creature that was unbelievably aggressive. It was so full of anger and just hell bent on biting me. It looked a little bit like those really sweet lizards that are light brown and have the spikes, I can't think of the name right now, only it was green and was super scary. It kept flying up at my face and biting me and somehow I was able to shake it off. I didn't want to kill it. I just wanted to get it away from me.

A little while later Scott came home. Of course since this is one of my scary dreams, home was some kind of weird post apocalyptic setting. He lived outdoors by a swimming pool but there was this free standing bathroom. He told me he had been battling some kind of horrible bug creature and that he was really afraid of it and that we had better hide in the bathroom. I knew he was talking about my monster but I was afraid to tell him that it was mine and therefore my fault he was getting attacked. I started asking him what it looked like. I asked him if it had a big wide pointy toothed grin. later I went outside to the pool and found it there. It tried to attack me but it was weak and sickly from being beaten off and almost drowning in the pool. I actually felt more sorry for it than afraid of it. It was my monster after all and I was kind of responsible for it. I think it even loved me and depended on me somehow despite the fact that it could have killed me with it's attacking and venomous biting. So I picked him up and Scott and I went looking for a place where we could release him safely, somewhere where he'd be able to get food and be okay, and not hurt anyone else.
I remember feeling really sorry for him and responsible.

Okay so here comes my layman's analysis.

Me: Who or what are you, describe yourself?

Little Green Lizard Monster: I'm a little green lizard monster with a big wide mouth full of sharp pointy teeth.

M: What are you doing here?

LGLM: I'm looking for someone to bite and attack because I'm really desperate and angry.

M: Why are you feeling desperate and angry.

LGLM: Because I'm lonely and I'm hungry and no one will pay attention to me. I want to cling on to people. I want to attack their faces and make them pay attention to me.

M: What si your relationship with Jacqui.

LGLM: She's my friend sort of, but she doesn't pay attention to me.

M: What kind of attention do you want from her. What are you looking for?

LGLM: Well I want her to take better care of me. I want her to feed me healthy food and cuddle me and be a better mother to me.

M: How hasn't she been a good mother to you?

LGLM: Well she leaves me out here all alone to fend for myself. She doesn't care if I live or die. She doesn't care if I'm sick or lonely. Other people want to kill me. I have nowhere to go. I'm all alone out here. Every time I try to get her attention, she tries to pry me off of her and run away from me.

M: If you could say anything to her and make her listen what would it be?

LGLM: I would tell he that I'm a part of her and that she can't ignore me just because she's afraid of me or doesn't like me. I'm scared and lonely too and when she doesn't take care of me, she's not taking care of herself.

M: Are you her health?

LGLM: Yes, I'm that and I'm her life, the part of her life that she doesn't take care of, the part of her life that she's afraid to live. I get sick and scared and angry and monstery when she ignores me.

Sometimes my life just seems so totally beyond manageability, I don't know how I stand it. Just that thought, unmanageable, makes me think I should run for the nearest twelve step meeting, but how will I find the energy and time? I live in this swamp of papers, things to do, file, pay and respond to. I bet some of you guys do too, but I'm a major procrastinator, and I'm afraid to face things. So I let the phone messages, the e-mail, the regular mail, and the mundane daily errands pile up. Then I really do wind up having things to be afraid of. I do the same thing with videos and library books. I won't even go to the library anymore, and when I go to the video store I always check to see if I can buy the video because I might as well. So what's your guess you guys? Is it because my parents were rigid and perfectionistic, hospital corners on the bed kind of people, and nothing I did would please them? Have I internalized them, becoming such a perfectionist in turn, that I can't get anything done for fear that it won't be perfect? What do you think? I hate being like this, and I actually enjoy accomplishing things, I feel great when I set a few goals and get them all done. Of course I also set unrealistic overreaching goals so I have to be careful.

Today I am going to ask of myself that I simply get all the e-bay stuff paid and mailed out, ana's film/present sent to her, and Mr. Bee's silly unimportant little letter sent to him. Hmmm, see that doesn't seem like enough, so I'm also going to ask that I call an electrician, the plumber, the treadmill people, who are weaseling out of dealing with fixing their mistake, someone to fix this damned complicated phone system, and that I take a walk. Oh and I have to make sure the bank has deposited Beau's money so I can pay that monster Coco. Poor Coco, I feel badly calling her a monster. See how tied up in knots I am? I can't even let myself think what I want without feeling guilty. My parents and Catholic school, what a combination for madness.
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