Hello My Journal Darlings,
We're at a Internet Cafe in Kihei Maui, Hawaii. It's beautiful here of course. Beau is sitting next to me playing with Neopets. Mom and Rosa are off driving around. We haven't been to the beach or the pool yet today. I went snorkeling yesterday but there wasn't much fish or sea creature action under the water at our beach. I'll have to find a better spot.
I feel kind of disoriented and weird. I've been taking pain pills again. I'm wondering whether I should share this with you because I'm kind of ashamed that I sometimes like doing this. I use them for a short time then I tell myself that's enough and stop for about six months or so. I have very high bottoms. I take one or two at night sometimes because I love the spacey soporific effect of these drugs, even though I know they're highly addictive and I shouldn't take them.
Whenever I do any kind of drugs, and it isn't very often, (seriously, I don't smoke pot or do anything else anymore, just pills and not often), I always waste the high of them by doing things like cleaning. Last night I unpacked, put all of our stuff away and cleaned our room. At least it looked nice when I woke up this morning.
We watched The Osbournes last night and then the Jack Osbourne Back From Rehab Special, and despite the fact that I thought he was brave and sweet to be so honest, and I felt really sorry for him, especially when he said that people would come up to him and say he was their least favorite person in the house and they wished they could vote him off, in typical Wacqui fashion, I thought, Hmmm, I wonder what it would be like to crush up one of my pills and snort it like he did, so I did, it was no big deal, and then I cleaned the room. Although he was doing five extra strength Vicodin, five Oxycontin, three Ambien, booze, and going swimming, or falling asleep and throwing up, and I'm playing around with one pill, at the most two, and I'll prolly knock it off tonight.
Now I feel kind of weirdly vulnerable for having shared this with you. In general I prefer sobriety to being wasted and checked out. I don't like being with people who aren't present, it's like watching someone masturbate, you're happy for them, but it isn't exactly a communal experience, no, wait that's not true. That's a lame analogy because watching your partner wank is pretty erotic, no, this is more like watching someone masturbate mentally and you can't join in. But sometimes when the stress gets to be too much for me and it's late and I don't have to be responsible to or for anyone, it's nice to check out.
Spiritually though I think it's my job to be present to my feelings, and muting them out isn't doing me any favors. Especially for creative beings, we need to be open and available so we can share this exquisite sensitivity, empathy, and understanding with other people. I just don't think this can happen in as clean a way when we're stoned. I mean maybe you can paint or write some terrific lyrics when you're high, but can you feel other people's pain, can you experience other people's feelings or really experience your own, if you're off in your own head all the time?
Plus I'm lucky enough to be in one of the most beautiful places on the planet and here I am trying to escape. I'm sure it's because the stress of taking care of everyone else's feelings, massively codependent gal that I am, is really challenging, and then there's the weirdness of not being able to eat whatever I want, something I depended on for most of my life as my primary coping mechanism. Then finally there's all the pain I'm in with this scarred up diseased bladder, my bad teeth, the PCOS and the Fibromyalgia. When you add this to the psychic stress of being with a budding teenage son, a self absorbed, controlling, elderly mama, and her sneaky, conniving, desperate maid, my financial worries, the fact that I'm not doing my art, and my house is overflowing with pets, it makes sense that I want to mute the pain.
Okay enough of that. The ocean is just outside the door and it is truly stunning, turquoise and aqua, so blue, and their are fish, birds, bugs and geckos to commune with. We're going to go swimming when we get back to our condo. I have to try another mask because the one I used yesterday was awful, I think the mask lost it's silicone seal because little rivulets of water kept pouring in and pooling around my nose. It was such a hassle. But I love my split fins, they get me around so much faster. I kept diving for a shell to bring up to show Beau, I wouldn't keep it, I'd toss it back, I just wanted to see if I could get it and I almost did. Maybe next time.
I'm reading a great new book, The Secret Life of a schoolgirl. It's a memoir. Already in just the first four pages there have been two murders, lots of adultery, and India during the Raj before Britain moved out.
Well, I guess that's it for today. I took a picture with their webcam but it looks soooo bad. You can see all of the mosquito bites on my face and I have beach hair, but Beau looks sweet. I don't know how to FTP it to my site from here so I just put it up on lame old Club Photo, but they always reduce the already poor resolution. Anyone know of a photo hosting site that allows you to link your pictures and won't reduce the quality. I don't care if it costs money, I just want it to be good and easy, yup.
Love you guys,