Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

I'm watching the Real World, waiting for the Osbournes to start. I'm going to feel such a loss when it goes off the air. The Osbournes are my surrogate family and I've become so addicted to the show that I've begun to live through them vicariously. Hmm, the people on The Real World Paris are fighting and I don't understand what's going on. This one guy is arguing about not getting their travel writing project in on time, or in with enough something's, and he reminds me so much of the kind of arguments I've had with people, the ones where the other person just won't be accountable and doesn't care about your feelings and then shouts, "Okay, I'm sorry! It's all my fault! Is that what you want to hear?" Yeah, that always works, shit.

I feel kind of the same way about the For Love or Money Show, I tune in to it too inoften and I don't understand the premise exactly, who gets the million dollars or why? Do they have to choose between the girl or the money or is there some way they can have both? And what about her, does she get money for picking one of the guys or not?

Scott just left. Beau is downstairs playing with his new soft air gun. I'm chewing a mini carrot about a billion times so it will go down easier. I am craving carbs and trying to stay away from them a bit to see if that will start the weight loss moving downwards again.

I bought flowers for Irma, (my housekeeper/assistant/pal), today. It seemed like a happy good thing all around, money for the poor guy standing out in the heat trying to sell flowers to all the people in the passing cars, and a small reminder for Irma that we love and appreciate her.

Aunt Lucy's funeral was today. Lucy was/is my ex husband Robby's Aunt Lucy, his Dad's sister. She was the family matriarch, the coolest of all of the many Carrillo aunts and uncles. It's such a loss and I have so much regret for not having gone to see her, or at least called her to tell her that I love her, in the years since Robby and I split.

The service was beautiful. A woman sang Ave Maria so beautifully the tears were just pouring down my face. It was overwhelming and comforting at the same time.

It was a big, complicated, feelingful experience for me. I was full of love and joy at seeing some of the members of my extended family, confused at seeing some of the people who had grown up and looked so different from the way I remembered them that I couldn't remember who they were but they remembered me so I had to do one of those fake, "Oh hey, it's so good to see you", and naturally I was thrown off center at having to spend so much time around my ex, and his brother, who I love so much, but who took sides against me a long time ago. He's cordial with me but the love from his end is gone. There's a cold wall up there somewhere inside his chest. He lives with his Mother and she hates me. She's always been a spiteful, hateful person, who blames other people for everything that goes wrong in her life. And sadly at the same time that I write this, I also love and miss her for the good times we had together, and for the parts of her that are lovely, alive, charming and fun.

Robby was as bald as a person can be. It shocked me. This big tall bald man with hoop earrings in a nice coat and tie. We hugged each other a couple of times. Someone came up to him and called him Mr. Clean. I wasn't attracted to him at all but the affection, the love, the history, was all still there, and it hurt to be near him, feeling so much, and knowing that he feels so little for me. I was glad that he got to spend some time with Beau and that they'll build a bridge over their latest rough patch and start getting together again.

I feel sick, I think I ate too much, bleh, nausea. What I need to do is pay my auctions right this second and I don't have the energy to do it. I told Scott I would list my two Burning Man tickets before it's too late. I went to Microsoft and downloaded the anti virus patch, at least I think I did. I drove all over looking for a big plastic pool that we could put in the back yard but they are all sold out because of the heat and it's being the end of the summer.

Here comes the Osbournes, gotta go.

Love you,
Jac
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