Hello My Darlings, I wish I could make you tiny just for a few minutes, (The way we can make our little Animal Crossing gnomey-sweetie-pie-characters small, or huge and floaty like great big Macy's Thanksgiving day parade balloons, with this new cheat card thing we have -- so much fun!!! God, if you love Animal Crossing you have got to ask me about this), so I could gather all of you up in my arms and give you big hugs and kisses, the way I can with my kittens and cats. But I can't so I'll have to just do it in my imaginings and in my heart.
Every day just before I open up my beloved Semagic client, (Thank you Sema), and log in to Live Journal, I put on my never-grown-up Inner Catholic Schoolgirl's hair shirt and stare at this blank box and feel guilty that I'm writing another journal entry without having responded to all of the generous comments that you have kindly left me from the days before, because sometimes after reading through them I run out of time and have to attend to something else, like a cat fight, or a squabble between the kids, or an emergency phone call, or something happening on my block, (I'm the block captain, lol), or just any of the gazillions of things in my life that crop up and have to be dealt with.
So, like I've said before, I never seem to get caught up, no matter how late I stay up trying, no matter how well intentioned I am. And this leaves me with this feeling everyday of just not being good enough, and if I were to call Dr. Laura, who frankly scares the hell out of me, I'm sure she would say something like, (insert harsh bitchy voice here), "Well, you must want to feel like this. This is serving you in some way. You've put yourself in this position. Why are you doing this?" Then I would have to say, "Because there are so many wonderful people out there in LJ-Land to love, so many people I want to get to know, and when they leave I get really sad, and if I keep them all on my list, and most of them don't give up on me and flee like rats, (With cute little teenie-tiny yellow life preservers, because we don't want them to drown after all), from a sinking ship, then someday, hopefully someday soon, I will be able to get over to their journals and truly experience their depths of wonderfulness and roll around in the soft green grass of our mutual lovingness.
Then by this point she would have cut me off, told me I was full of crap, dumped my call and cut to a commercial. But who cares what Miss Laura thinks, what matters here is what you and I think, and I just hope you'll stick around. If for nothing more than my funny and amusing stories and the occasional pithy and oftentimes empathic comment, or at least to watch the numbers on my scale going down. Ninety-two pounds gone as of today, thank you Lordy Lord, maker of cakely splendors that I can no longer eat more than a bite or two of.
Yesterday I exercised twice. Yes, you heard that right, Miss Used-To-Lay-Around Watching-TV-All-Day-Eating-Entenmans, went for not one but TWO walks -- once with my neighbor Karen and her wonderful dog Nikita, and then again, and this I cannot believe, once on my treadmill, (The one that was so dusty and untouched spiders had taken to building their webs around it), at night for forty-five minutes. Yes, miracles are happening at my house, thanks to Dr. Liu and all the people who braved this before me and gave me the courage to follow them in this very scary deep water.
By the way, DR Liu told me to try to walk ten thousand steps a day. I counted all the way back from the midway turn around point on my walk to my home and it was five hundred steps. Only five hundred tediously counted, or meditatively counted, however you want to look at it, steps. Okay, so if I double that, and that's about all I can do at one time, I've got a thousand steps, and then if I did another thousand at night, maybe more, so let's say I got in a total of three thousand steps in my terrific exercise day, how the hell am I going to make up the difference? When would I get to sit here and write to you, or take a bath, read, play Animal Crossing, play with Beau, or the real animals, or sleep? These are important questions. Remind me to ask Dr. Liu. How is he getting in his ten thousand steps, that's what I'd like to know, Mr. Famous Surgeon Man With the Gorgeous Wife and the Beautiful New Baby, how is he doing this? Maybe he marches in place while he cuts us open in the OR.
Oh and Miss Period has decided to pay me a visit. Phew, because Scott and I aren't always as careful as we could be with the whole birth control thing. I am going to have to get serious about this and get an IUD, because really I've tried everything else and I am just so sick of messing around with my already whacked out hormones. Anyway it's just good to have her back. A loving shout out to my rosy red friend. You go girl, or more like, you stay girl.
Sophie, my Mother's French masseuse is coming over in about fifteen minutes so I'm kind of hustling here, (How the hell do you spell that? I'm definitely not doing that seventies dance craze thing, hustle as in rush), because I don't want her carrying tales of our animal squalor back to my Mom. I can just see her deftly spreading hot oil over my Mom's back, and Mom saying, "So did you see all those cats, what's she got now about twenty-six?" "Oh no no no nooooo Meesees Hyland! But of course zer were more like a hundred of zee leetle keeties. Zey were everywhere like how you say, comme les mouches sur shit."
Sophie is coming over to give Irma a massage because Mom had something else she had to do and they both thought it would be a good idea to send her over here. May non, I do not want zis, I don't like to triangulate into anything with ma mer. so as lovely as Sophie seems I have managed to put her off for years with a myriad of excuses. But Irma recently took a vacuum cleaner leg wrapped tumble down the stairs and can really use a massage so I went for it. The somehow Sophie in her cunningly attractive French way talked me into agreeing to let her give me one. Now Esther is working here and I can't leave her out so we're going to see if Sophie will let us split the two massages three ways and I'll pay her whatever extra she will want to make this seem fair. And this is where the hustle or hustle is coming in to play. Bleh or feh, your choice.
Oh I wanted to toss in a tidbit about my Mom's reaction to my latest weight loss figures. I'm starting to come down near her weight range and it's beginning to threaten her. I did not anticipate this, although Scott certainly would have. He's been telling me for years that she is like a jealous sibling, that she treats me this way, and looking back over my life I can see all the times when this was dead on the money. Poor Mom, how sad, I've always loved her, never wanted to steal any attention away from her, not from my Father, not from her friends or the world at large. She has always been her own glamorous, shining, Leo bee star, and my own largesse should never have seemed like any kind of takeaway to her, but I guess it has always felt that way to her, and it makes me sad, sad for both of us.
So last night when I called, all excited to tell, (Damnit here's Sophie, I'll have to come back and tell you more later, you have to greet people at the door here and break them in slowly, it's a lot to adjust to without at least a bit of help, especially with all of the shoulder riding cats who come flying up at you from everywhere,) Mom that I was still going down past ninety and had lost another pound she said, "Oh no, you'll be thinner than I am soon and I can't have that. I'm going to have to do something quick!" She sounded genuinely alarmed, panicked even. So I said, "Mom, don't worry, this isn't a competition and you look fine the way you are." And then she got flustered and fluttered about trying to cover her tracks and then startled me by saying something truthful, "Oh no, I shouldn't feel like I have to compete with you." Mothers and daughters, it's all so complex sometimes -- amazing.
Our two auctions are up and running, but we're going to add some beautiful beaded purses tonight or tomorrow night, and then more and more wonderful and fun things after that. Going through all of these boxes it really amazes me how much I have to sell. Cross your fingers for us please, I am the Goddess of Procrastinators. Hey, at least I've actually listed something though, that's a major accomplishment for me all on it's own.
We learned the name of the artist of the MGM storyboard piece"> you were all so kindly trying to help us decipher. I'll have to go back to see who was the closest, one or more of you might have gotten it, but I was way off, his name was Dukelski and he was indeed an artist who worked for MGM. A man name Paul just E-mailed me out of the blue and filled me in, he said he had two other pieces of his. I'm so grateful, it was fun owning this small piece of cinema history and now we have half of the mystery solved. All we have to do now is figure out what movie it was painted for.
Our gorgeous lamp has only a few hours to go and nine bids but they don't even come close to meeting the reserve. Oh well, poor pretty green lampy. You know what? I think it's meant to stay in the family anyway. Shhhhhh, don't tell Scott.
It's later now and we've all been massaged and pampered. I went in to be charming to the nice French lady mode so that kind of wiped out the destress factor of getting a massage. I have to know people for a while before I can calm down around them, even then sometimes I'm just so wound up I can't be at ease. Sometimes I wonder if this is because I was left alone for so much of my childhood, alone for great stretches of time, and then some scary authority figure would swoop in to criticize, control or abuse me. Oh that sounds so pathetic and self pitying, scratch all of that okay?
I'm about to install my new dream software so I can play with my dreams. I have my own Jungian interpretation plan for dealing with my dreams but it's fun running them through a sort of broader less personal but nevertheless interesting computer program. Working with dreams is always positive in that even the worst of dreams have something to teach us, well, at least that's what I think.
Por ejemplo, (or maybe I should say par exemple because it's been nothing but French, French, French for the last three hours), last night's dreams were all about trying to keep my car from being destroyed in some way. I almost drove us (Beau and myself) off a cliff and into the ocean, and was worried that Beau would drown. I needed to save him. Then later while I was trying to steal some possums, an all white cat, and a small hamster like creature from a bad animal shelter, another car flew up in the air and smashed my car, crushing it and breaking out all of the windows. Then I had to fight with the police and the insurance to get them to help us get our things out of the car and find a temporary place to stay.
If I analyze this dream on my own I would say that as the car I am here to protect Jacqui and Beau, to be a sort of mobile home to them, to shelter them, to take care of and store their things. To take them places, to keep them safe. My being destroyed means they have no home, no shelter, nowhere safe and they are left unprotected for the time being. They are stuck here and have no way to get where they need to go. Sooooo... I must be feeling like I need to move forward in my life, I need to travel, but I want to keep some of my things with me, keep some of my life the same, but it's hard to bring it all along with me, hard to protect it and prevent things from changing. Change makes me feel unsafe. I want to stick close to home, to the familiar where I feel safe.
There was also the loss of control factor. I feel I am not in control of my life, that things are moving too fast and might veer dangerously away from the direction I want them to move in. That my safety can be taken away at any moment. I am afraid. I am also afraid that I will lose Beau and I will lose my animals and they are my family, my comfort, my world.
Now I'll take some of these same symbols and run them through my program and I'll come back later and tell you what it says, weeeee.
And finally I wanted to share with you that last night I was very tempted by a new credit card that is burning a hole in my big comfy tee-shirt, so I went to Sephora and started adding pamper me toys to my cart. Since I can't eat any of the things that used to comfort me so much before, I wanted to buy sweet tasting and sweetly scented things to slather all over myself. I would add things, and then I would go look at the total of the cart. At first it was two hundred and I though, "Wow that's a lot but what the hell I deserve a little pampering and I can always pay this off later+, and then it was three hundred-and-seventy-five, and then four hundred, then five hundred, and then I just went all out and added everything I wanted, pretty much.
When I got all done and looked at the total and saw that it was NINE-HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY-SEVEN dollars, I just thought, this is so wrong, so I copied everything and transferred it to a file, told myself I could always buy some of these things at another time, if I really had to have them, and closed out of the window, phew. That was a close one.
Here's all the stuff I wanted to buy, and this doesn't even include some of the recommendations I got from all of you the other day that I planned on getting on my own off line. Sephora doesn't carry some of those brands so I was going to have to go to Longs to look for those.
Philosophy Kiss Me Red - .5 oz 398453 $10.00
Jean Paul Gaultier Fragile Shimmering Body Balm - .17 oz 697813 $30.00
Stila Lip Glaze - Grapefruit 510586 $24.00
Smashbox Lipstick - Curve 699488 $16.00
Smashbox Lipstick - Output 699496 $16.00
Frederic Fekkai Full Volume Mousse - 5 oz 647644 $18.50
BeneFit Dr. Feelgood - Dr. Feelgood 205997 $24.00
BeneFit Benetint Lip Balm 517847 $18.00
Rene Furterer Spray Gloss - 3.38 oz 662148 $18.00
Stila Bouquet du Jour Look Book – Creme Bouquet 702282 $40.00
Hard Candy Lip Velour - Crushed 693093 $12.50
Hard Candy Lip Velour - Touchy Feely 693127 $12.50
Hard Candy Glitter Shadow Pencil - Plush 502344 $15.00
Hard Candy Glitter Shadow Pencil - Cyber 39834 $18.00
Hard Candy Nail Polish - Liquid 535138 $9.00
Hard Candy Nail Polish - Mirage 580068 $9.00
Hard Candy Nail Polish - Cosmic 535013 $9.00
Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler 115139 $15.00 x3 $45.00
Shu Uemura Mascara Basic - Basic Black 01 115287 $27.00
BeneFit Dandelion 650226 $26.00
Sugar I Taste Like Sugar Mini Lip Gloss Set 655597 $25.00 x3 $75.00
Philosophy Orange Sherbet - 16 oz 674754 $16.00
Fresh Sugar Shea Butter - 3.5 oz 608588 $38.00
Fresh f21c Candles - Sugar - Citrus, Caramel and Tonka Bean 555888 $45.00
Fresh Sugar Face Polish 562082 $55.00
Fresh Rice Shampoo - 300 ml 618751 $24.00
Fresh Honey Face Scrub - 100 ml 562066 $48.00
Tocca Candle Collection - 9.1 oz Havana (Sugarcane & Rum) 532820 $32.00
Tocca Candle Collection - 9.1 oz Rodolfo (Tuberose) 376749 $32.00
Annick Goutal Grand Amour - 1.7 oz Eau de Parfum Spray 90738 $90.00
GoSmile Tooth Whitening On The Go System - 14 Day Supply - 14 Day Supply 645085 $75.00
If you changed any quantities or removed item, please press the recalculate button.
Don't feel too sorry for my gluttonous compulsive spending ass because I did buy this purse from Purple Skirt, Tracy Ulman's secret shopping site.
Anya Hindmarch's Karma Birds Tote