Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Things Better With Beau, Thanks, Weight Loss Confusion, and Terrific Web Site Designer Wanted

Granny's Dresses, Things Are Better With Beau, Thanks, Weight Loss Confusion, My Born Again Wild Animal (Rat) Trapper, Good Sex With Scott, My Crazy Osbourne Obsession, and I've Listed Two Beaded Bags on Ebay.

I won this dress of my Grandmother's on eBay for a hundred dollars, yeay. This reminds me I have to call Mary and the lady from the Art Deco Society and arrange a lunch/get together to sew up this whole fashion show thing for next spring. I am really counting on this and would be terribly disappointed if it fell through one of the great big holes in my procrastination net.

Oh and thank you, thank you, thank you, for all of your support with Beau. Within minutes of my posting my long, tortured, Mom In Need post, we worked it out, and everything was fine again. He just needed a few hours of sleep and then he was fine again and we talked it out and he went back to saying, "I love you Mom." But I'm preparing myself for the coming teenage superstorm. Of course everything you were all so kind to write to me was well put, as true as can be, and so helpful and appreciated. Thank you so so much, from the bottom of my frightened mother of a new teenager's heart.

I went to see Thirteen, the very next day, and although the acting was terrific, and I love the idea of anyone making a movie outside the main-studio-stream, let alone the unique wonderfullness of an older woman befriending and co-writing a successful project with a young girl, I found it incredibly depressing and frightening. It left me feeling anxious and depressed, similar to the way I felt after seeing The Meaning of Life, Koyaanisqatsi: Life Out of Balance, and Brazil, but not as bad.

Even though I was already squeezing time out of a cramped schedule to fit just the movie in, (I had a birthday party to go to at seven, the movie got out at six-thirty, and I was supposed to go straight home to meet my Scott and relieve Esther of Beau-sitting duties), I went out on a mini-shopping binge, to cope with all of the feelings it stirred up.

I went to Lane Bryant because it looked like they had got some new clothes in, which just compounded my feelings of loss and estrangement because losing all of this weight and fitting into different sizes isn't exactly all roses. It brings up all kinds of feelings that I don't understand yet, and a sense of displacement and confusion. I just felt so helpless and little and lost by something as simple as not being able to understand sizes that I had figured out and sewn up years before. I found myself telling anyone who would listen about how confused I felt about being in this new smaller and droopier body, how much my back hurt, how I couldn't figure out what sizes to wear. Then after finding some clothes and standing in line for a bit, I just focused on being grateful, centering, and calming my frightened, little, (I worry this sounds so California woo-woo-ish), inner-self, who is feeling so lost and vulnerable in all of this change.

Afterwards and with the clock ticking on the time I was supposed to be hooking up with Scott I went to Macy's to get some blush. I went to the Chanel counter and there was this unbelievably gorgeous saleswoman -- Lucy Liu plus, plus -- and she talked me into letting her make me up. Something I haven't let anyone do since I was working and I can't even remember the last time I let a salesperson do it because I always feel so pressured to buy everything they've used on me. But in the end it was fine, I liked the way I looked and I did wind up buying about half of the products.

Then I jammed home, changed really quickly, grabbed Scott and my presents and headed over to my neighbor's house for a tostada bar and margarita birthday party. It was fun, and it was even more fun when, turned on by the liquor and the naughty party favors in the piñata, (chocolate flavored condoms -- didn't use them but they got me thinking along the right lines), we came home and made deliriously happy love. It was terrific, Scott, we, were terrific, and I know we can be even better. I just have to be able to make the leap from normal, every day, bog-me-down life, to super-intense sexual intimacy, and in a way Scott needs to work on this a bit too. We always have so much to do and so much that gets in the way.

BTW is there anyone out there with serious talent and taste who would be willing to work with me in collaborating on the design and maintenance for my own site with an embedded journal and some offshoot sites relating to my interests, like for example, my Grandmother's and Mother's dress designs and history, my animal rescue efforts, my weight loss surgery and the experience of being in this body -- gaining and losing all of this weight -- my Burning Man stories and photos, my travelogues, my Hawaii stories, ghost stories and photos, my eBay sales, mothering, home design, craft stuff, photography, poetry, bla bla bla, and my many and sundry collections? I will gladly pay for the help but I would need to do it in pieces through Paypal and I want to share credit for the site design, meaning you or whoever you recommend could take all the credit you like and link to it from your own site, but on my site I would want to have my own and your logo both. Does that make sense? I already own some domain names and am registered with warped. I'll buy Dreamweaver again, I think I just need some real hands on help because in all these years I just haven't been able to figure out how to do it myself, unless it was something pretty babyish and intuitive like, well, Live Journal, or Geocities or AOL's silly Hometown pages. I have so many images I want to share, so many different parts of myself I want to devote pages to, and don't know how to go about doing it.

One of the problems is that I have such a specific sense of visual style, I know what I like and don't like, but have a very basic understanding of HTML, and just can't seem to get myself going. I've approached various people through the years but whether because of my ADD, or a lack of connection, I just never got it done. I need to find someone who has a thicker skin to go with my thinner one, someone who is super creative and flexible, patient, kind, understanding, and who won't mind my telling them when I don't like the way something looks. I approached someone a few months ago who designed a seller's site, which I am also going to need, for an acquaintance of mine, a gal who was in the magazine with me, but he was just all business and his other sites were too dry and sporty looking. I'm looking for a collaborator coach mentor kind of deal. Anyway let me know if you have any ideas, or know anyone, and I'll come look at their work. This is so scary for me to put out there because what if one of you, one of my LJ pal's offers to do it, but our styles don't mesh? I worry so much about hurting people's feelings... You know the whole time I'm writing this I'm thinking Cydniey could help you, talk to Cyd, hmmmm...

My friend Mary kindly, (oh so kindly, you just don't know how much I needed this), sent me a link to this humane trapper for the rats and the possum and our escaped kitty Mina. His name is Randy and he is a devout born again Christian. he sounds nuts but seems really loving. His business is called Randy's Rescue Service and he says that the police and the Department of Fish and Game call him Randy Ventura, as in Ace Ventura, because he has such a special way with animals.

He was all over the map when I talked with him, just excitedly babbling on about God and animals. He kept getting cut off as he was using a pay phone and would have to periodically stop to feed it more quarters. He kept talking about his relationship with God and Jesus and how he's at the beach and how he goes to water when he's "feeling bummed out," and it was so hard to get him to focus, but we finally set a date to meet tonight at five, which he has now changed to six which works out better for me anyway.

I'm a little disappointed because he doesn't feel the same kind of love and respect for all living creatures as I do, and I worry he'll trot out some Bible quote about rats and pigeons, and other small, so-called "pests" not being on the same order as say a cow or something. He actually told me that he feels it's okay to kill them, hmmmm, but he said he'd still try to help me, if I can get him to sit still and slow down long enough to focus. Talk about ADD, this guy seems like the classic case compared to me, wow!

One funny thing that happened was when he kind of tried to secretly slip in a query about whether I had a boyfriend or not. It seemed sort of weird to me, the way he said it, so I straightened him out on this, told him that I do have a boyfriend, but that we don't live together. He seemed sad and kind of deflated over this and said, "Well, you just gotta understand, I keep waiting for God to put a woman in my path who loves animals as much as I do, and for a second there I was hoping you were the one."

I'm finishing my Patricia Kennealy Morrison book, Strange Days, and it's been so wild and fun and involving that I'm really going to miss it.

I had the usual mix of strange and involving dreams last night. In one series of dreams I dreamt that Beau and I were hanging out with Kelly and Jack Osbourne. I was driving and we took them to some kind of clothing store industry place, where there were a lot of people who were hanging out and helping them get ready for appearing on Sharon's show. It was so weird and real at the same time. They dressed us up as well and it looked like we were going to be on the show as well, but then someone else drove them over to the set and I was disappointed.

I think I'm just disappointed that I sent out such an incredibly expensive floral arrangement, and put so much effort and love into this letter and the collage, and just really put myself out there, and didn't get any kind of feedback in return. First off I'm sure this is my karma because Lord knows how many times people have tried to reach through to me and I've been off on a completely other planet and missed the communication when I would really have loved to have been there and been gracious and present, and secondly, this is prolly just the way it goes with fandom and approaching people who are super popular. I'm just not used to it since I've never done this before, yuck. I'm actually feeling a little depressed about it and I want to call and say, "Ummmm, did she ever get the flowers," but that would be too weird, and I really believe that in gift giving, if you are coming from the right place, if it really comes from the heart, you shouldn't expect anything in return.

In another dream Scott and I were about to sing together in some club but then he changed his mind and decided to do some other solo songs from his set list that didn't include me. I was hurt and angry so I got up and left the stage and then this upset him so much it threw off his whole performance and he had a kind of sad emotional melt down.

I proposed to Scott again in an IM just now. I just can't resist, and he said okay again. I always do this, but I would never marry him unless he was ready to live with my cats and my son and all of my myriad prolabeems, (That's how we say problems in my itty bitty family), and complications, and he would have to do the proposing in a super romantic and special way because I've never had that in my life before and he's had it twice, at least.

I finally figured out how to list these two vintage beaded bags on eBay using their stupid power thing, but I hate it and still don't know if I'm doing it right. Their cheaper basic selling tool thing was better.

Well, I'd better go and get changed to meet Mr. Help Me Catch and Relocate the Rats With the Help of Jesus, because I wouldn't want to welcome someone this religious in a skimpy black tee-shirt with a juicy red strawberry on the front. Maybe I should put on a cross ; )

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