Finally Hitting My First Big Weight Loss Goal, 100 LBS Gone For Good! The Sharon Osbourne Shows That We Saw In Person Aired Yesterday and Today, Wanting to Show Nude Photos of Myself and Working Up the Courage, Admiring My Friend Ana, Up All Night With a Sick Kitten Who Almost Died, Knitting, and a Wild Baby Rat Escaped.
Here is my star model and we don't even have a name for him yet. I've resisted naming them as long as I can and am going to have to get on this immediately. We gave another one away today and I got so upset I cried.
Hello My Journal Darlings,
Well, I saw The Sharon Osbourne Show that we were in the audience for yesterday, but they reversed the order of the shows we saw, airing the second show first and the first one today. Weirder still they inserted a segment with Macy Gray with Sharon wearing the same clothes she wore for our show, but that wasn't taped on that day. At least not when we were there. I wonder when they did that.
Editing is such an exciting mysterious thing. I used to edit my own and other people's videos when I worked at Century Cable and ran things for our cable channel. It was a really exciting and super exhausting job, but I can tell you about that another time. I want to catch the show today and am taping it. I had a hard time seeing myself in the audience, plus they squashed the screen for the credits to promo the next show and they cut away when Sharon hugged me, not nice.
I looked so fat and awful to myself and thought I was looking so much better. It was a kind of upsetting reality check. I may have lost a lot of weight but I still have so far to go and I have got to take this much more seriously and get out there and exercise and lift weights. I'm such a procrastinator and unless I want to be a bone woman with a ton of wrinkled hanging flesh I had better do something and quick. My legs around the tops of my thighs are starting to look like wrinkled stockings when they slip down.
A terrible, (but here because I promised it), photo of the elusive but lovely Miss Zazu Pitts.
BTW, and this is important to me, I finally lost those last two pounds to make it an even one hundred pounds lost! Woohoo!!!! I had been waiting for them to come off for weeks -- doing everything to lose them, walking on the treadmill, increasing my protein, decreasing fats. Everyone kept calling me skinny and telling everyone else that I had lost a hundred pounds but I just couldn't accept this because the scale said ninety-eight pounds and I was just going to be a hard ass about this until I actually hit the one hundred pound lost goal and now that I have I am so happy to be able to honestly say this. It feels really good. One hundred pounds, that sounds like so much, but I still have so far to go.
I'd been stuck at this weight for three weeks I think. Every day that I got on the scale I would pray, which also sounds stupid, praying to God to make the numbers go down when there are so many more serious and important things to pray for. I don't know if I finally broke through a plateau that my body had hit because it had to take a break from losing so quickly, so that it could stabilize itself in some way, by taking my friend Karen's advice and increasing my protein, or if this is the eventual, major slowing down of the weight loss, and I'll never get anywhere near my goal weight of 125 LBS, ha ha, just kidding. I'll be happy with anything under two hundred.
I started at 323 and today I am 223. I went from wearing a size thirty something to a twenty. I remember how sad I was when I was an eighteen and had to go to Lane Bryant for the first time. I felt so huge and that was ages and ages ago. I don't remember if I've ever had the courage to share these numbers in this journal before. Maybe if I was feeling more secure and distracted it might have just slipped out in an unguarded moment, I don't remember.
In the early days of my Live Journaling, (Oh man Irma just came in and was singing this funny little song. She has the cutest voice in all the world and is always singing. I love her so much, and am so so lucky we found her! Here's the little song," Nadia me quiere, todos me odian, mejor me como un gusanito. Le corto la cabesa, le chupo lo de adentro. Ay que rico gusanito, mmmmm" It's kind of awful but it sounded really cute. It translates roughly to, "Nobody wants me, everyone hates me, it would be better if I ate a little worm. I'll cut off it's head and eat all it's insides. Wow how delicious is the little worm, mmmm,") I never mentioned my weight and then through the years little by little as I became braver I let it slip out and found freedom in letting go and being myself.
I used to be so careful and controlling with my public image for my career's sake. I always thought everything would somehow come back to haunt me and then in time I tossed it all up in the air and began to think, "Who cares, better to be my true self." My pal Ana had a lot to do with this by being so open and brave herself, by pushing boundaries, crossing frontiers and facing all the criticism and admiration that came her way. I admire her so much for being such a brave artist and a pioneer. She's been such a terrific muse for me, and I will always be grateful to her for this.
I've managed to pretty much bare a lot of myself here through my words and stories, and in small ways in the still photos I take and share with you. I've been very open and vulnerable and shared pretty much everything except for showing myself naked. Eventually I'll work up to braveness on a cam level, but I'm not there yet.
I might take some pictures of my scars for you at some point soon. I've been wanting to share more of my post surgery experience in order to help other people. I think I can brave showing myself naked in pieces and then I'll see where I can go from there. It's funny that I can be naked at a pubic, (Oh man, I tell you, I often make some of the funniest Freudian spelling mistakes here, and when they're this good, pubic as opposed to public for a nude beach, I just have to leave them in), beach in Hawaii, or at a club in Topanga Canyon, or at Desert Shadows, a resort hotel in Palm Springs, but anything more public and permanent than that, permanent in the way photography or video is and I won't do it.
It feels too close and threatening. As if the nuns down the street, or worse, my Mother or one of her friends would see this and judge me for it. I know I want to work on this because I am so pro-nudity, I cheer anyone else who can just let it all hang out, and yet I still can't get beyond this fear barrier. It seems so stupid and silly to me. These are our bodies, we all have them, we all look the same. I know this from going to nude beaches and resorts, fat, thin, whatever, people have scars, and cellulite and saggy places. it shouldn't matter, but I'll keep growing and work my way through this.
I want to find the courage to show nude before and after pictures of my weight loss surgery because I think they would be really helpful to people considering having, or who have just had this surgery, maybe even to people who had it a while ago. So far I haven't seen anyone who has done that yet and I did take nude befores so I just have to get over my ego and my fear of my Mother's harsh judgmental wrath and go there.
Oooooh gotta go tape and watch the show and drink my soy protein shake, although after listening to Coast to Coast AM last night I'm worried the soy in the milk and in the protein powder may be genetically modified, eeek...
These two black kitties were so cute, (the way they were sleeping on their backs with their paws up like that), that I had to take a picture to share with you. This is one of the bigger kittens.
This is his half brother Sammy who has a twin brother Swanky.
Well, that was fun. I am really loving this show. I love the cute little opening segment with Sharon waking up, trying on clothes and then getting waved off by Ozzie as she drives off in her cute Mini Metro. They are doing a terrific job editing it together and I can tell Sharon is finding her groove. They added a completely different beginning, obviously dressing her in the same clothes again, but taped much later. This one had more verve, punch and energy than the opening we saw. I'm gaining more respect for her producers and director.
In the opening of the show we saw taped she came out pushing Minnie in a baby stroller and it was so cute. I'm sorry to see they dumped it but she wasn't as strong in the original opening and this one was definitely an improvement, and more current because she referenced the Barbara Walters interview. She had much better energy, which is so important. She mentioned that she saw the film The Mexican and then made naughty jokes in Spanish about how she would like to taste Antonio Banderas' chorizo, (sausage in Spanish), and said this was going to be her new favorite word, and then she said something about someone's tattoo that I didn't understand and slapped her bum. The whole thing was pretty whoppingly risque for an eleven AM show on a non-cable channel and a hell of a lot of fun and very Osbourney. I'm not mindless of the fact that this is the same channel that shows Jerry Springer so there must be a lot of room to play with.
I liked Juliette Lewis' kind of innocence which I hadn't noticed as much at the taping. It's kind of sweet and refreshing, like when she said, "...now that I'm thirty. Wait, should I start lying about that?" she was being completely earnest and it was funny.
The Becky band segment was all cut up and pieced back together. It seemed like they used a voice over for part of the very beginning. Their first live take didn't work when we were there, some kind of technical glitch, they had to scrap it and retape, but they cut back to the first ending with Sharon, which was much better than the second. In this one she hugged and thanked everyone and they showed her asking Keanu about his taped together shoe and she made a joke about Minnie biting the lead guitarist.
I like this band, they make me want to have seen The Real World in Seattle because the lead singer was one of the housemates. Do you guys know if I can get a copy of that on tape somewhere? Do they sell them or could I buy a tape off someone? I have to say that I think Keanu is the coolest guy, so totally unaffected by his massive success and fame. I don't know why so many people I know don't like him and seem to resent his success. He seems like a really deep and loving man to me.
I also liked the segment with Sharon and Lance Bass in bed and in the shower. I'm not a huge lance bass fan, but I thought it was risque and cute and fun, and I loved when she tried to hook him up with Kelly by showing him a picture in a gorgeous silver frame and describing her as being "sweet, quiet, and very shy," something you would have to think was a joke, if you ever saw any episode of The Osbournes.
I'm definitely loving the show and I hope other people are liking it too. I haven't read any press so I don't know what the ratings are, or how it's doing. Like I've said again and again I wish her the best, it would make me so happy if this show took off.
I watched it with Irma and Esther because I took them to the actual tapings and it was fun. We all get along so well together and blab away in Spanish and laugh and laugh. Irma started telling us some really upsetting stories about her life in El Salvador during the war, and I'll share them with you, but not in the same post where I'm gossiping and talking about television and nudity. It's too important and heavy and this is running long enough as it is.
Here he is. The little baby kitten who almost died for the second time last night and the reason I couldn't get anything done all day today and am dreading tonight. Every time this happens it's like harkening back to the early days of rearing baby Beau for me. Sleep deprivation sucks.
This little man is costing us a lot in terms of sheer effort and stress. He had better pull through this so he can become just as special and beloved as Triple B, and maybe replace our lost little Baby cat, who we fought so long and so hard to keep alive.
I'm so exhausted. I had to revive and fight for one of our little black kittens all night last night. His mother is rejecting him and I found him cold and almost lifeless on the floor of the shower. I thought he was dead until I saw him move his eyes a bit. I was so mad at his Mom Ping, but I know it's a survival of the fittest natural thing, but I can't help but think she's being a lazy selfish bitch cat who won't fight for this little guy. I was up most of the night rubbing him and heating him up and feeding him syringes full of baby cat food and warm water. I put him on a cat bed with a heating pad underneath it and got Coco to come and sleep with him, then I'd come check on him and feed him and wipe his eyes every two hours. I'm dreading having a similar night tonight.
Here is a shot of my wonderful, beloved brown Burmese Coco who is so smart and sensitive. He kept the baby warm whenever I left the room. He's sniffing the camera here.
Oh man I am so hungry and I am craving enchiladas because someone mentioned them on the TV. It's not such a good weight loss plan to subsist on protein shakes all day and then have dinner at nine thirty at night, sigh. Oh well, always room for improvement.
I'm covered with mosquito bites from our marathon clean the garage session on Sunday. We went well into the night and the bugs just love me. I have at least twelve very itchy bites all over me. I hate them. I want all mosquitos to die and I know that's not very Buddhist of me.
I knit some more of my scarf today and am getting better at it. It feels good and is fun. I can't wait to get to that Zen like place where your hands just take over and you don't have to think so much. I'm so glad I learned, or am learning, how to do this. Next up is crochet, then I can use both to make hats like Ana. Hats and flowers for pins and for your hair, and purses. I want to make wildly colorful pom pom hats with dreads hanging out of the tops of them. I saw one at Fred Segal the other day and it was 125.00. I have got to find some way to make some money. I'm taking too long here to get going on eBay and my reserves were too high on my purses.
I bought a bigger aquarium with a half glass/half screen top for the wild rat mommy and her babies yesterday and then transferred them to it by myself. I felt pretty brave about this. I put socks on my hands and just dove in and did it without any problems. But then, stupidly, Irma and I wanted to pet them tonight, so we reached in and everything was fine, the Mama is nice and soft and doesn't try to bite us, but we just had to take one of the babies out to see it up close and it leapt from my hand and is now running freely in my library. We tried to find him or her, but it was a no go for tonight. It was so late and everyone was so tired, so we'll try to make a more serious effort tomorrow. I knew this was going to happen.
Okay well that was more than enough to ask anyone to read though. Love you guys and hope you're all snugly warm, cozy and happy tonight.
Big loving hugs from your often distracted friend,